The Kim Kardashian Relief Fund

Today I had a desire, one desire only, and that brought me to where I am, looking like the starving writer that I am, because though the truth is important, its also cheap. Like your mom.

That desire was simple, but it was wonderful. Pie. I needed pie like you need the sauce. Really fucking bad. So here I came, to VI. Village Inn. I recently met someone who did not know what Village Inn is. I was in shock, I was sullen, I was down mothafuckin trodden. And then the spark of life and truth and everything I stand for hit me, and I introduced said person to VI. And yes, there was pie. So for those of you out there who have never heard of Village Inn, let me first say: where have you been your whole life? Living under a rock? Now for you who haven't heard of it before you should know its kind of like Denny’s.  But better. With a SHIT LOAD of pie. So now you know. I came here for pie and a hot cock cocoa. Life would be better if I could smoke here, but the land locked hell hole state government and the fruity fuck ass lickers who live here decided that cigarette smoke is bad for them and they didn’t want to smell it while they ate and therefore they voted and banned it. The power of stupid people with opinions oppressing the smarter people of the world who just want to be left alone with their cigarettes and smokers cough is amazing. Moving on.

As you may have learned if you pay attention to anything in the media, the poor sad Kim Kardashian recently filed for divorce. This was because she was married to a dickwad who didn’t appreciate her for what she is: A bitch probably rich hot chick with herpes I’d guess a TV show and a fat ass millions of dollars in the bank, a fat ass beautiful smile, sex tape pretty hair, and a luscious posterior. She is this pirates primo booty beauty, and so, after reading about lots fall out around her 72 day marriage and how unpopular she is becoming, it is left to me, the critic, to bring her relief, and therefore I have created this relief fund for my love, Kim Kardashian.

This should be good. Really fucking good. You’re asking yourself what possible credentials could I possibly have that would make me qualified to write about her and what would bring her relief? Easy. I’ve been stalking her for 6 years. The last time I broke into her house I even wore a whipped cream banana hammock, regrettably the guards tackled me and called the police. Also I know what women want. No, not really, that’s a straight up lie. It’s a proven fact that not even women know what women want, which is what makes that movie with Mel Gibson so infuriating. Ever notice how Mel was normal until he made that movie and then he became the jew and woman hating fuck rag he is today? All after making the movie WHAT WOMEN WANT. You see the fact is, if you try to know what women truly want, you will in fact lose your mind like Mel Gibson. That info can be found on Web MD.com I think.

Regardless, the real truth is, I don’t know what women want, and I’m so poor with them I can’t even keep a girl interested in me for more than a very short time. This includes but its not limited to my exwife. Oh well, fuck em. I’m pretty ok with me anyways, and that’s what makes my credentials sound. I’m male, and I’m an opinionated one. This is my house motherfucker and I’m fucking king of this castle. If you don’t like it, build your own goddamn castle, but just remember, if you do, I’m going to siege it. And steal your gold… and booty. Because everything can take a pirate twist and don’t you fucking forget it pal!

Now what the fuck am I talking about? I’m talking about the hottie Kim Kardashian. Move over Pam Anderson, there’s a new sheriff in town and she isn’t a Canadian Import like Canada Dry.

Look guys, being rich isn’t easy. You wouldn’t know because you’re poor as fuck. Being so hot that the melting of the polar ice caps is blamed on you openly in the media… How could you know what that’s like? That’s pressure and stress that no normal person could ever live up to. Fortunately for Kim she is super human and bred with the strongest of hot bitch genes. And they are big jeans, because she has an enormous huge wide ass. Did you see? Genes and jeans.. play on words. Ok fuck you it was a bad joke. Kiss my ass. No wait, don’t go, I love you. Please don’t leave me alone. I’m afraid of the dark.

Are we ok? Are you sure? Ok. Good.

Anyways what were we talking about? Ahh yes, the stress of being awesome. You see, I feel for Kimmy because I understand what that pressure is like, being awesome myself. Granted I may not be attractive or cut like Thor or anything, but I am popular beyond all my wildest dreams. Which isn’t that impressive because usually I dream of Cheetos. Whatever.

The Kim Kardashian Relief Fund was created as a way to help Kim know that she’s not alone, nor does she ever have to be alone again. Because here Kim, here I am. For you and only you. Fact: I am not rich unless you consider personality. In which case, I am still not rich. I am, however a know it all fuck, but if you want to always be right, that’s ok, because you can afford to buy me my Lotus Elise I’ve been craving for the last 7 seconds since I just thought it up.

Why would Kim choose a fucker like the critic? Easy. She married a guy who was half black half white, which seems to be a good mix breed of things, hell I’m not a racist, go for it and get down. But the truth his, he is a basketball player, I say player because he is not a star. This fucker is not Jordan. He’s not even the cheap imitation of Jordan: Kobe.  No sir, he’s a mediocre professional athlete which means he’s stronger and more athletic than I’ll ever be. But athletes don’t ever work out. Especially ones in the NBA which is on strike. That’s right, the real reason why their marriage failed? HE IS A FUCKING BUM! If you’re not working, how can you afford to do all the great things that Kim likes to do. Like feed her enormous ass. And go to the beach. You can’t. Dear jerk who stole the love of my life for 72 days: Get a fucking job. Asshole. Hell I’m glad he fucked up, that makes Kim more readily available for me. Ha! The Critic is not black or half black. All of her previous relationships have been with black stars. This is nothing against the color thing, its just that she doesn’t realize her preference is really for a skinny white guy with no athletic abilities. Oh and I can’t rap either.

But we do make quite the handsome couple, there can never be any denying that. As you can see from the pictures here, the couple dates we did go on made me so happy, I was all smiles. She was all hotness, like normal, and all huge ass, but I’m down with that. Feed the posterior.

I do have some things going for me that those other cock suckers didn’t though. First off, I have half a brain that can fathom something other than any particular sport. I also think about sex and drinking. Those fuckers have no idea. I may not be able to rap, but that’s just like being a poet. Face the facts, good poets are women, or gay, or E.A. Poe. And that guy was morbid and used to fuck dead bodies, so whatever, maybe I don’t want to be a poet. You see these things are not against me, they’re working for me, because Kim, you need to try something new, something that will be everlasting! Which in case you were wondering how long everlasting is, its like.. more than 72 days, at least. Prolly around a year or so. I’m ok with a year.

But I know something those pro sports stars don’t- the definition of happiness. Happiness is having a shit load of money, your own TV show, awesome cars, money in the bank. I have all those things. I would like all of those things, and for that I’d make a really shitty pool boy, but I am pretty good arm candy, don’t you think? Also remember what life is like without the critic. Unbearable. It’s a proven fact that can be cross referenced with FOX News that previous to meeting me, Kimmy was a depressed, sad rich girl with an awesome house and everything anyone could ever want. But after she me, the critic, she became infused with the truth and the truth can bring on lots of happiness. It can also cause clinical depression and lead to suicide, but who cares about that shit?

The fact of the matter is, without me, there is no happy Kim Kardashian, but with me, she is the bubbly happy girl that other girls envy. She is the same girl who poses for Playboy and makes all the guys drool, and makes a calendar every year that we all buy with our saved up allowances. (Thanks mom!)

So now, lets look back at why the critic is the perfect mate for Kim.

• Like Kim, he sucks at relationships
• Like Kim, he is divorced
• Like Kim he is awesome
• He is rich
• He is cut like Thor
• He has a great personality
• He is a smart ass
• He has no ass and she has an over abundance of it
• He has ambition

Oh that’s right motherfuckers, I’m not done with this shit yet. I’m going to twist it now, are you ready? Buckle your seat belts and hold on to your sombreros its time to get crazy.

I’ve got more ambition than most people, and I know how to use that for my future. As you all know by now, our Army of truth seeking assholes grows every day, and with that, it fuels my election campaign. That’s right Kim, you may have a nice house now, but wait till you see my future house. It looks a little something like this:

She interested now.

You all know I launched my official campaign for president of the US of motha fuckin A last year in October. It was there I showed you my experience as a politician, motivator and leader. But there’s more to do, because 2012 is upon us, and its time to defeat our opponents in a 300-esque manner that will make them scream and cry for their mama’s, suck their thumbs and disappear into obscurity where they fucking belong.

Well to give you an update just over a year later, the campaign is going strong, and we’re gaining steam every day. One of the biggest and most exciting things is our new ad campaign. Last year we went by my first name, cr1ck3e- thus capturing the hearts and minds of you, the younger crowd. But some of you are saying, wait! I am not part of this young crowd! I am part of the older crowd, well now, for you, to capture your hearts and minds and wallets we’ve decided to go with a more professional look at the campaign and use my birth name: the critic.

Also, last year we did a lot to slam on our rivals, you may remember.. His name is Satan? right, well Vote for me because my opponent is the devil? If that’s not a good enough reason than nothing is. Except for maybe.. this:

That’s right folks, you have questions, and fuck it, so do I! I want to know the same shit that you do. Fortunately for me, I will become president and will get that book, “The President’s Book” or whatever it was called. I know you saw National Treasure 2. It was alright. I’m not a huge Nick Cage fan, but whatever. I’m going to get that and in it are the answers to your mind so craves. And guess what? It is my oath to you that when I find out, you will find out. Can you see it now? From the White House, with my loving doll Kim on my shoulder, I will announce to the world exactly who it was that killed JFK.

Kim will be as shocked as you. I won’t look so shocked, because I will have read it already and have to keep my composure for the country. Or maybe you’re like my friend, the mcp.. I know what he wants to know, and I know I want to know too. And I know you do too. And if its not in the President’s Book, I’ll just fly Air Force 1 out there, with video cameras and Kim, and we’ll find out together..

Its just that simple friends. You want answers, I want votes. Lets work together now for a change. How many other presidential candidates can you say will do that? The answer is fucking zero. Not just ZERO, FUCKIN ZERO, BITCH!

That’s why I am here, as a beacon of truth and light, and hope for you, your friends, family, and even your easy mom.

The one thing that will surely launch me straight to the White House is the help of Kim Kardashian. She is essential to this process because she is popular, sexy as fuck, and has a huge ass. She is America’s Sweetheart. The world is unhappy with her now, because she is unhappy. So write letters, find her on facebook, follow her twitter world wide and send her the message: The Critic is the man for you, Kim! HE is your relief fund, and only through him will you find true and eternal happiness. Forever and ever. At least one year of it.

And if that doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to apologize big time to Pam Anderson, she’s prolly pissed at me, but good news is, she’s a really fun chick and has a heart of gold and understands just how I have to wrangle the media to my command with Kim’s help, to launch me to a successful political career. Brilliant no? The first guy to use a celebrity status to launch his campaign since.. One of the most popular Presidents of all time.. Ronald Regan. THE ACTOR! So please please please, remind Kimmy to find the critic on facebook, point her here, and tell her all you can that she is destined for great things with yours truly. And never forget to remind everyone you know, 4 more years of corrupt politicians, or 4 years of real honesty and truth. Besides, could you see Kim as the first lady? Fuck that’d be awesome. And we’d have limos like she’s accustomed to, I’d have salary forever, and secret service, and thus would not be like that bum basketball player she married the last time. It’s a match made in heaven. And that is what you call some serious fucking relief.

Halloween

The name says it all bitches. No secret subliminal messages as to what this entry is about. Before we get into that bullshit, lets talk about something. If you’re a facebook reader, then you know what I’m about to say.

If you’re not. Hi, I’m The Critic.

As you know, I took the month of September off. Its not because I wanted to, or needed to, or whatever. Well ok, that’s a lie, I pretty much do whatever I like all the time so who am I kidding? I could give all kinds of reasons and excuses but what it comes down to is really:

That’s right, writers block. I’ve found the more bullshit I write, the less bullshit I have to write about. So ideas bitches. That’s your homework assignment. Get ideas and give them to me, you can send them here, you can send them directly to Facebook. Just fucking send them or I’ll send a Cyclops to your house to eat your babies. Count on it.

Halloween, it’s a fun time for all, but what was it originally and how did it evolve into what we find today? Lets dig deep and strap in fuckers, its time to roll.

I have celebrated Halloween my whole entire life. All 6 years of it. That’s including the time before AND after the coma. I’ve celebrated it in multiple different states as well as countries. I know how to drink, and eat candy. I also know how to dress myself, though I learned that only recently. Being an expert now on this subject, lets get to the real shit this fucking blog has to educate you before Halloween so you know how to properly enjoy it to its fullest potential.

Let’s talk about what the never wrong Wikipedia has to say about Halloween:

Historian Nicholas Rogers, exploring the origins of Halloween notes that while “some folklorists have detected its origins in the Roman feast of Pomona, the goddess of fruits and seeds, or in the festival of the dead  called Parentalia, it is more typically linked to the Celtic festival of Samhain, whose original spelling was Samuin.  The name of the festival historically kept by the Gaels and celts in the British Isles which is derived from Old Irish and means roughly “summers end”

What the fuck does all that mean? It means that there is not one explanation as to where this night of dressing up has come from, or more so that it comes from many different cultures, but what these learned scholars fail to realize is all of their ideas are probably right, and that it all stems back to the harvest time. Hence the pumpkin. But who really gives a shit? At some point we decided, as a race, globally, to stop being such ignorant superstitious bastards, and that this holiday would become a celebration of something more fun that being worried about ghosts goblins and harvesting shit.

I wonder who the first guy to say “Hey fuck this bullshit, lets dress up as dead things and eat candy!!” was. “And we’ll ask our neighbors for candy, and we’ll use a clever phrase… trick.. or treat. Which means, my friends, if they don’t give us candy… we’ll… BURN DOWN THEIR FUCKIN HOUSE!” *crickets* “WHO IS WITH ME!?” ….. a few moments pass and then the resounding cheer roars through the crowd, thus Halloween was born. How do I know it went down like that? Time travel is a hobby of mine. So fuck off.

You think its for your kids, and sure it is.. but its also for the big kids out there, it was STARTED for us big kids. Only we don’t like just candy, and we don’t wanna see masks and witches. We wanna see masks, goblins and the like for the guys. But Halloween was invented by man, and by MAN I mean MAN, MAN! Male. Have you noticed, now that you’re a growed up, that every woman's costume is some version of hoe? You’re welcome fellas. That’s right, Halloween is the one night a year where a girl can dress like a slut and other girls won’t say shit to her. Why? Because it’s the spirit of the season motha fucka!

Halloween was invented now, for one more reason to add to the list:

That’s right. It’s a sexist time of year that we all celebrate. You guys out there get eye candy that you love and need. You ladies get  to dress like your inner slut desires every day. It’s a win win situation.

Now you might be saying, wait a second critic, just hold one one minute. You’re full of shit, this is totally wrong.

You think? Well then prepare to meet the truth bitch!

You know me. You’ve been around for long enough and read enough of my ramblings to know that there is only one true way to survive the future and that is to become a pirate. Here you see on your left, a real pirate. He looks the part, sword, guns, jewelry. BOOTY!

But this Halloween look for the local bicycle to dress as a pirate and you’re gonna see a very different kind of booty, one that if you’re a guy or Ellen you’ll find much more better. Real booty, female booty. Git some.

Does this look like a pirate to you? No, its called slut clothes with a pirate hat. Guess what? I’m ok with that, but here you have the first step in the lesson of all Halloween is for is for the ladies of the earth to dress hoe like and slutty. It’s a wonderful holiday. Still disagreeing? I have more examples, don’t worry.

Another traditional Halloween costume that hits the world every year, never fail, is a witch. What is a witch? She’s a magic wielding badass who can curse your family and make your turn into a toad. She can also make you sleep for centuries. She can poison you, she can steal your soul.  She can ride a broom, lucky bitch. I’m not talking Harry Potter shit here folks, I’m talking real grotesque hags. And why are they such hags? Because dark magic is evil and it takes the life force which you possess to wield it with efficiency. And that’s what witches are after, real ultimate power.

But for Halloween you won’t see a haggish looking chick dressed like this holding a poison apple, oh fuck no, why the fuck would she do that? First off, the apple has no alcoholic value to it, secondly, your average chick does not want to look ugly, even when in costume.

Even as a witch you can look like a hoe, thus further proof that I am right.

But you want more proof, of course, because you’re a greedy little bitch, and that’s ok, because I am infused with the truth, and I’m a know it all son of a bitch. You say to me, Critic, witches aren’t  real! (which is bullshit) and Pirates aren’t real (which is bullshit, I am one) How about real things in this world! Ha, ok you twat rocket, I can play your game..

Cops are real motherfuckers who write me tickets all the time in their on going quest to restrict my freedoms and keep me quiet. It doesn’t work of course, because I’ll still keep breaking their laws which I don’t agree with and they can go take a flying fucking leap off of a building. DO YOU HEAR ME!? But they’re very real, and very scary, most of the time are over weight and the biggest assholes you’ve ever met.

And ladies, this year if you want to dress up like a cop, you can do that too, and as you can see here… you too will look like a hoe while doing it. I’m ok with it, and most of you seem like you are too, so why hide the fact that you’re not? Why keep up this game of smoke and mirrors, we all know the truth. At least I do, and I’m in the process of educating everyone. This holiday is for you. Show off the goods you slutty cop you. What? You need more? One more and then I’m done with you.

Bunny Rabbits are real. Not like that asshole bugs bunny, I mean real fuckers, the hippity hoppity all over the fucking place – especially into the front end of my car. How can you make a bunny sexy? Give me a fucking break, we’re men, and we make the rules, we know how to make anything sexy.

So this Halloween when you’re out getting your “trick or treat” on, or as I call it, “Gimme your candy or I’ll torch this shack!” – remember when you look upon a bunny walking down the street and know that yes, even this innocent costume was designed to make the wearer look like a whore. Its ok, we all do it, and you might appreciate it.. but really.. bunnies are not cute. Thank God for the male imagination.

Its ok that you dress like a whore on Halloween. Hell, I like it. I wish we had Halloween more times a year. Look ladies, the fact is, you can use Halloween as an excuse to bring out your inner hoe if you like, or you can go the more logical route. Let it fly ALL the time. Ever wonder why sluts seem so happy? Because they’re popular. Popularity makes one happy. That’s why most men suffer from clinical depression. We don’t have awesome features like boobs to flaunt all over town. We can’t use our sexuality at work to get promoted. Fact. You think it doesn’t happen still? Gimme a fucking break. It not only happens every day, but its something that men in power look for. Hell that’s why they GET INTO POWER! Happy Birthday Bill Clinton, I’m talking about you. JFK where ever you are, same. Hillary Clinton, you too (yes I know you like the muff)

So Happy Halloween my friends. Guys find your lame ass boring costumes, and ladies, which version of whore will you be this year? Make it a good one, and remember to keep those costumes- they double down for good role playing in the bedroom. Nurses, tigers, every thing in this world you can think of that’s your Halloween costume is made cut and tailored two sizes too small so you can hoe it out, if only for this one night a year. Or just dress up like a slut for Halloween. Fuckin A that works too! When I become president, we’re gonna have more than one Halloween, and it will be a National Holiday. How’s that for reason to vote for me? 2012 bitches, we’re almost there.

The Scariest Place on Earth

There is one place that we all know. We’ve been there. We’ve seen it. And we fear it. This place is so Goddamned terrifying not even Chuck Norris would want to go to it. It fucking gets worse though, because its fucking everywhere. This is not only uncool, terrifying, and depressing, but it’s down right grotesque. Brace yourself bitches, we’re about to travel into the world of horror for todays lesson in truth. I will be your guide, but remember, you must lead if they get me! Grab a lantern, motherfuckers, this shit is gonna be dark.

I’m a skinny little bitch with no muscle mass to speak of what so ever. This means, I’m afraid of most things. Being afraid of a lot of things has empowered me to do a lot. Such as, be qualified to rate the scariest things on earth, AND not only that, but to identify correctly which places are scariest, and thus bring you the truth about the scariest fucking place on the face of this fucking planet. I won’t tell you what the scariest place about other planets are just yet, mainly because the government keeps trying to find me and keep me quiet about that bullshit. Don’t worry, when my subterranean bunker in Antarctica is complete, I will broadcast to you truths which are unimaginable, and it will blow your little fucking brains. Till then, we’ll just deal with the shit you can handle. Crendentials? They’re fuckin sound as a Goddman rock. And if you don’t agree, I’ll fucking throw that rock at your mother fuckin skull, bitch!

There, now that we’ve settled that little dispute.. I love you. For real. No I’m not lying. NO I don’t have another blog I’m seeing. Its all you baby. Promise. Swear. Now gimme that sweet sweet nectar.

As far as scary places go, theres a few you should know about before we get to the scariest. This may come as a shock to you, because you’ll soon realize just how terrifying this place is after I talk about these other quite terrifying places.

Starbucks. This place is where the devil cums and his semen is sold. When you go there, you don’t realize that the Devil’s cum is also a byproduct similar to cocaine. Its addictive, its craved, and its sold as an ungodly high amount that has no nutritional value what so ever, even if it’s a double whip low fat chai grande mocha lacha chatta caramello frappie yappie bitchie … with fucking sprinkles.  So hey, fuck you starbucks, not all of us want to drink Devil Semen! Those of us who see you for what you really are, a false idol following cow worshiping heathen devil pagan store of satanic ritualistic orgasmic liquid goodness, we, the chosen few will deny you! RENOUNCE YOU! FUCK YOU IN YOUR FACE STARBUCKS!!!!

Old Navy. This place fucking scares the shit out of me. Its easy to avoid though.. much like starbucks, you just fucking plain don’t go there. Ever. In the history of the world. x2. +infinity. pi.

Here’s the deal with this place. I’ve seen the commercials.. people are shiney, bubbley, happy, and wearing headsets. They are so fucking enthusiastic to work at old navy that I just want to shoot myself in the face with a nail gun. But it gets worse. I went there. ONCE. ONE FUCKING TIME WAS ALL IT TOOK!

All it took for me to realize that the fucktards who work in this store are exactly like they are in the commercials. I swear, this guy walks up to me and he has this grin, which looks like some hot blonde supermodel just fucked his brains out in the back room. Which you know didn’t really happen.. because he is obviously a faggot. Whatever, I digress. He tosses some shit over his shoulder while saying “Hey Timmy, will you take this to the back for me!” *toss* Timmy responds, while on the move, and with a fucking headset like his spent too much time on XBox live, “Sure thing Bobby!” As he catches it, winks at me and says, “Hi, welcome to Old Navy!” I promptly left. No one should be that happy. Ever. So fuck your fucked up commercials Old Navy, and fuck your real life stores! You won’t get the hard earned money that I might someday make. Ha! Whose laughing now, cunt!

Now you’re probably thinking, “holy shit, the critic has done it again! I must avoid these places!! but what could POSSIBLY be worse?!” Oh, shall I keep you in suspense but for a moment longer. Remember, the dangers of these fucking places are astronomical, but what you’re about to see its pure evil incarnate on the face of the planet. Beware, for you’re about to find out..

I am not 100% sure you can handle it, but I have to tell you, because you have to be warned. The scariest place in the entire world.. is….

 

Public Restrooms.

That’s right babies, you heard it here and you heard it right! Public fuckin restrooms are the scariest places on the face of the entire planet. Like a plague they cover the earth in their collective filth. Each one is nastier than the last. You’ve been there, you know it, and now that the truth is coldly staring you in the face, you’re starting to get scared. But we’re just getting started, this slippery slope of unspeakable madness may push you to the brink, so put your dinner away. Why?

Because this shit ain’t pretty.

Firstly I should cover that I’m writing this from a mans perspective. I have never been in a ladies room. Hell I don’t ever want to go in one ever. The Men’s room is far terrifying enough for me, I don’t need to find out what the other side has to deal with, so you can keep your dark secrets ladies, please don’t tell me, I really really don’t want to fucking know.

But if you think you have it bad, then lets start with our first order of business which you should understand. Urinals. They’re heinous and freaky. They also pose one of the greatest threats to a man when he enters a public bathroom.

For all you chicks who have no idea what I’m talking about, I of course will provide visuals of this terror made structure. You see we have these targets we get to piss on, which is nothing new for us.. but they are there in mass. Multiple units where multiple men can piss all at the same time. There are rarely dividers separating them, which makes the pisser have to decide WHAT TO DO! How does one survive this experience? Its not easy boys, but I’m gonna fucking tell you how, just now, so you know. Restroom related deaths are on the rise, its time you take action and not be a victim.

When pissing, the biggest danger is the person next to you, and the threat they carry just by breathing the same stench infested air you are. There are several types of people you can see here. This poses the question of: Should you notice? Does it make you a fag if you look around? The answer is: it could. Yes. The fact is, you can’t, no matter how badly you want to, look at the guy pissing next to you and say: Wassup? Despite the several interesting characters you will see there.

There's this guy, who looks worried. Like he’s scared to talk to you, and he should be. Just like you, he knows he is in a terror filled environment, and thus this is making it hard for him to piss. Ignore this fellow, you don’t want to end up like him one day, and karma is more of a bitch than the last girl I slow danced with. Can you imagine? You’re in the worst place imaginable to do something you’d rather do on a tree on the side of the road, yet you can’t piss because of the sheer terror that is coursing through every fiber of your body just because you never know who is standing next to you.

Because the guy standing next to you is the really pissed off guy. He’s so angry for no fucking reason other than he’s a major cock sucker. He looks like he would kill you if you turned your head to look at him. Why? Because he is also homophobic. He’s so terrified that if you don’t keep your eyes to yourself, he’ll physically turn his entire body, possibly mid stream, to fucking punch you in your fucking face. OH YES HE WILL! So you don’t talk to him, because you cant. You could die.

Finally for the urinal danger zone we have the guy who looks relatively happy to be there. He’s not scared of anyone, hell he looks like he is even more skinnier of a bitch than I am, and he’s half grinning like he knows a secret that you don’t. He does know a secret: there’s something awesome happening in his head now that you can never understand. So you can’t talk to him or look at him for fear of the fact that he’ll not only kick your ass and piss on you, but he might actually start giggling, pull out a machete and chop you to pieces while singing Jesus Loves Me. Fuck this guy, be most careful of him.. he’s not right in the head.

So lets break it down.

If you stare at your dick = you’re probably playing with yourself and will get your ass kicked.

If you’re staring at another mans dick = you’re gay and will get your ass killed.

If you strike up a conversation = you’re gay and will get your ass killed.

If you stare at the wall = you’re obviously terrified to be there and will get your ass kicked.

THE SOLUTION

Look the fact is, the pussy who is scared to piss is going to get his ass beat, so you don’t want to be him. The angry dickhead is too much of a dickhead for even ME to be, plus you have to have muscle to back up that kind of attitude, so if you’re like me you can’t pull it off, and will end up getting your ass kicked. Therefore the solution is clear: you must be the psycho! That may seem harder than you think. Firstly, you have to be confident and strong. You don’t have to be a physically huge guy, but you have to scare the fuck out of that guy. How the fuck does he know if you’ve got a machete hidden in your coat? Makes sense, doesn’t it. Here’s what I do, and its worked for me, as I’ve not been killed in a public pisshouse yet.

I march up to the urinal, unzip and then I say “Wooaaaahh!! This little pink hockey puck thing is freezing!!” Then I slap my hand against the wall, and looking up as if to thank God and then back down at my junk I say: “Oh my GOD! I have such a huge fucking DICK! FUCK! This thing is like 12 inches fucking LIMP!” Then I’ll look at the asshole next to me, who is visibly scared and say: “Dude check out how fucking BIG my dick is! Holy FUUUCCKKK!!”

This scares the piss out of even the “I Can’t Piss!” guy next to you. It shows them that the real danger in the public restroom is YOU! Be the aggressor and you WILL survive.

Speaking of the Urinal *cakes* – They smell awful. Horrible. They’re supposed to be there to make the bathroom smell BETTER right? MYTH! They make them smell worse. You know it, I know it, and the American People know it!

Pissing in a urinal would be so much better, far more enjoyable, AND SAFE! If all restrooms looked like this:

But they don’t. Fact.

So now that we’ve covered the first reason that Public Restrooms are not only scary, but dangerous, and thus the danger makes the scary.. its time we move on to our NUMBER 2 reason. Yah, I went there. Pretty shitty of me huh? The filth and bad jokes just drop out of my head and make a splash with you all. Ok I’ll stop.

FUCK YOU I WILL NOT! I WARNED YOU IT WOULD BE GROSS SHIITY HORRIBLE!

Now we know the dangers of urinals, but the stalls are just as dangerous. And more disgusting than the urinals. Plus side is they don’t have the awful smelling “cakes” in them. Down side, someone just sat there and you don’t know him or where he has been.. but what he did was certainly illegal in the lower 48.

When preparing for battle, it is important to KNOW YOUR FOE. The stalls prevent that. You don’t know who is on the other side, but you know that whatever he ate last night you NEVER eat it in your entire life. It could be the asshole, the psycho, or the I can’t peepee guy. Or it could be worse! It could be a terrorist, or it could be Darth Vader. Darth in the stall next to you is the worst possible scenario of all time. First off he’s a heavy loud breather. That alone makes you self conscious. But as we all well know, once you sit down to do your business in a public restroom, right when it becomes too late, you notice something. This:

All you can really think of is: fuck. So like a dumbass you have to ask the guy in the stall next to you. Worse, he’s touching what you need. Does that creep anyone out just a little? It fucking SHOULD!

What I try to do is pretend I’m not really there when someone asks me. Or that I’m deaf. “Excuse me, sir.. can you pass me some TP?” *crickets*

Works great until Darth Vader is in the stall next to you. He’s got the force remember, and the loud mouth breathing, and he doesn’t speak normally, he speaks with authority! When he says give him TP you’d better fucking do it, or you’ll end up choked by an invisible hand around your neck. “Give me your TP.. it is your.. DESTINY!”

The worst part is, in these last couple pictures you’ve seen pictures of random thrones. This is not what a throne in a public bathroom usually looks like, is it? No, its certainly not. You open the stall door, and its obviously in an act of full desperation. And you see this:

Its fucking true and you fucking know it. But you can’t hold it anymore. Its now or a level of embarrassment that you cannot live with. In a recent poll, 9.67 out of 10 guys said they’d rather shoot themselves in the face than have to admit they shit themselves no matter what the scenario is. So you brave the stall, because after all they have that dispenser that holds the toilet seat covers.

Which are NEVER FUCKING THERE! And when you really gotta go, you don’t  have time to lay out TP to sit on. Worse, if you don have time, there’s not enough TP to spare to sit on. You have to take your chances with whatever they guy before you may have left on there.

Then you get to look around and try to enjoy your time there. Well since you didn’t bring the paper with you, you might as well read all the shit that people actually take the time to write on the stalls. Or the pictures. Ladies, do you get this too? Do you know what guys actually take the time to draw? Shit like this:

No joke. Who fucking does that? Who the fuck was so bored that he decided to draw a picture of a cock on the side of a stall? I don’t know his real name, but it was the asshole who is ready to kill you because he thinks you looked at his dick. I’m 100% sure of it!  Really gets quite ridiculous as to what people do to bathrooms, vulgarity, racial hatred. All the kinds of shit that I find truly entertaining because it reminds me just how stupid the rest of the world is compared to me. I’m not saying that to glorify myself, I’m saying that to put down all you fuck rag idiots who enjoy writing on a wall that DOESN’T FUCKING BELONG TO YOU. So hey, fuck you dick wad. Maybe you deserve the fucking psycho guy to chop you up with his machete. Fucks sake man.

Know what you never see as bathroom graffiti? Something totally awesome.. like this:

Seeing this would make my day. Hell it might even make my entire week.

This is brilliant graffiti, and its also a critique which since that’s kind of my thing, I support this graffiti-er. Good job man, that fucking just plain kicks ass.

The plain and simple fact of the matter is, public bathrooms are gross, nasty, and horrible. They are the scariest place on earth without a doubt. You could end up meeting anyone there, even Darth Vader, and all of them you wished you’d never met. You get to read all kinds of bullshit people write, and you get to look at pictures of cocks that people seem to like to draw. You could be killed. You’ll more than likely get your ass kicked.

The easy solution is to just avoid them at all fucking costs. Use a tree, use a bush, use whatever you can, but stay away from these houses of disease and infestation. On the plus side, I hear the good people at Apple are making a new shitty product to try and clean up the public restroom experience.

Yah you can have fun with that.. shit.

What about bums? They like to sleep there and take showers in the sinks! You could be mugged, mobbed or attacked by them. Look, if there are one group of people I do not trust in this world, it would be gypsies. If there is a second though, its bums. Bums will fucking kill your for your wallet so they can take your cash and go buy another pack of cigarettes, it’s a fucking fact.

Oh, and other terrible things happen in public bathrooms. Remember George Michael who is famous and rich as fuck, got busted by the 5-0 in a public restroom ass slamming another guy. So unless you want to watch that too, its safer to avoid them.

So, in conclusion, bitches, I advise you avoid public bathrooms at all costs. Imminent death awaits you there, I will take my chances pissing in public. I’d rather be arrested for pissing on a bank than be anally raped by George Michael, or have a bum steal my wallet. Or have the angry asshole attack me. Or the psycho. I’ve given you some tips on how to survive the Public Restroom Onslaught that awaits you on every street corner, but your safest bet is to just not have to go. One or 2, they’re not safe for you. Be careful going in public though, in the continual effort to suppress my freedoms, the man has put up signs all over warning people of me and my  behavioral traits. Assholes.