Fashion.

Fashion. It’s one of those things that eludes most straight men. We don’t get it, we don’t understand.. and for good reason. Unless you are a woman or a gay man, there’s no way you could ever truly understand fashion.

So, ladies, this blog is for you. This is to help you understand how we think, and what we do and do not understand. School is in session, bitch, now sit down and shut up, it’s time to strap on another edition of the truth.

I’m a straight man, and I do not understand fashion at all. There are some things that I do understand and we’ll get to that. But for now, lets just say the fact that I don’t know means I do know and that gives me the power to control you and your life! talk about this subject with absolute certainty.

Good enough? You’re probably saying no, but I don’t fucking care. We’ve talked about this before, this is my show, I’m allowed to run it how I want. So fuck off.

Now, let’s begin.

Fashion is fucking stupid. That’s as plain and straight as anyone can put it. You have all these designers who make all this random weird shit, and then they put on a show that people actually go to, models make money at, and lots of cocaine is snorted at it. I mean really, that’s how models stay so thin. Coke diets work awesome. Not that I’d know.

Anyways, people, especially celebrities go to these fashion shows, these events of extreme oddness, and they watch and they see just what the new trends in the world are. What they must have and why this designer is so good that they have to design a dress that costs thousands of dollars. It’s really an exercise in pointlessness. Most of the time.

Let’s be truthful here, a straight man will never complain about that Victoria’s Secret show they air on TV where scantily clad women strut across our screens. Never. EVER! The only bitch we have about it, is if we have a girlfriend who won’t let us watch it. Bitches, they just don’t understand.

But really, even some of the shit those models wear is weird too. But who cares. Here’s the odd thing: fashion shows pertain to men as well. There are these ‘designers’ who make fashion for men as well. Clearly though, not straight men. No, a straight man would never be caught dead in some shit like this.

Fuck, this guy looks like he’s trying extremely hard to be the faggot GI JOE. Private Parts or something like that.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

But he’s not GI JOE. No, he is no real American hero, hell he’s probably not even American. A straight man thinks like this.

Hey look, jeans! *sniff* Not bad! A little wrinkled but not bad! Where’s a fucking shirt?

Then you insert any shirt of any color that is clean enough and in decent enough shape and THAT is fucking fashionable. And why do we all dress like that? You ladies are probably thinking its because we don’t give a shit about fashion. You would be right, but there’s something even bigger that you’re missing with that.. its not JUST that we don’t give two fucks about stupid over priced fashion, it’s that AND the fact that.. if it works for Tommy Lee, it could potentially work for US too. And we’re all just trying to nail Pamela Anderson.

Shoes.

Fucking shoes. Fuck shoes. I’ll tell you what, I don’t get the obsession with shoes at fucking ALL. I have like 4 pairs of shoes, which include my flippyfloppies. That’s pretty high for a straight guy, but really, who needs MORE than that? I’ve my 10 year old Dr. Marten’s. Hiking boots, work boots, gym shoes and flippyfloppies. THAT’S ALL ANYONE COULD EVER NEED! But not women.

Women want 45 fucking pairs of shoes for no fucking reason. They will buy shoes and say, OMG aren’t these SOOOOO cute?! And then, they will never wear them. Ever. That, my dears is just another reason why men say women have no

1. common sense
2. brains
3. fiscal responsibility

Its not our fault we think that. Its yours. You do it to yourselves. And its pretty obvious why. You’ll overpay for designer clothes which, as we’ve discussed, are just weird. You’ll over pay for 10x more shoes than you’ll ever wear in a single lifetime. All the while we own like 6 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans, and 4 pairs of shoes. And all that money you waste on things that don’t even matter.

But.

Sometimes you get it right. That’s right, you do get it right sometimes and before we close out this adventure in fashion, we’ll explore how you do get it right.

Going Braless.

Yeah, that’s called getting it fucking right. Most guys can’t even take off a bra. To make matters worse, once you’re drunk it gets much more difficult to take the bra off. And the simple fact is, a man may tell you, Oh I don’t care about boobs, I’m into personality (lie) I just want a girl who can make me laugh (lie) I’m into legs (truth, but still a lie) I’m an ass man (truth, but still a lie)

Why still a lie? Because all straight men want boobs. We fucking love tits. There is no way around it. Tits are fucking great. The fact that you torture your tits by keeping them in a bra 99% of the time is a tragedy. But some girls.. some go braless. And those women are heroes in the world, and we thank them every time we see them.

The Seatbelt Effect.

The seatbelt effect can be done with a seatbelt or more commonly with a purse strap. We love this shit. You wear it in such a way where it not only separates but accentuates the tits. This simple move drives straight men crazy. It’s a fantastical way to accessorize yourself, and there have been riots over the proper display of this. Do it, and do it often.

This can take an average looking woman and make her attractive. So ladies, if you’re a plain Jane, and looking to turn heads.. this is your best option after showing up naked. Clearly, we prefer naked, but if you MUST wear clothes, then this is the only way to accessorize. We don’t give a flying fuck about your shoes. Whether you’re color matched, or what jewelry you’re wearing. We’re primordial beasts that don’t give two fucks about how expensive your top was. Or how cute it is. But if you have that boobstrap.. watch out.

 

This.

This is what you call “Winter Accessories Done Right”

Yoga Pants.

Ahh, finally we reach what I like to call the greatest invention in the history of man kind. Sure you can say cars are great, jets.. going to the moon. Entertainment like movies, television, etc. All of these things are amazing inventions, its true. What is also true is that they all pale in comparison to the invention of yoga pants.

Yoga pants are so great that it has been speculated that they were the inspired works of God. Its true. There’s a debate amongst scholars about this. Not about the fact that they were the inspired work of God, but rather about WHICH God ordained that this should happen.

The Jews claim it, for obviously, Yoga pants make a shit ton of money. The Christian’s claim it because they think they are the only ones who can be sexy. The Muslims claim its blasphemy. Only a husbands right to see.

The argument is heated, and there are no clear victors to it at this time, but trust me when I say, that I’ll keep my eye on yoga pants and the debate following them.

Yoga pants are so sexy that there are some that were recently pulled from the shelves for being too risqué. I’m not exactly sure how that is even possible.

Simple fact of the matter is, yoga pants can make any ass look good 98.14% of the time. That’s a pretty large window of success, ladies.

So ladies, do you have a hot date coming up and you’re really thinking about how you can dress to impress? Lets take what we’ve learned here today and apply it to your fashion sense and see what we can come up with.

For a top, clearly you want to show off the boobs, because as we said, all men love boobs, and none of them care how much your top cost or what tag is on it. The point is, wear it with out a bra.

Now, though women swear up and down they don’t like to be seen as sex objects.. the truth is… that’s a blatant fucking lie. Everyone, men AND women, want to be seen as sexy. That’s why you wear more than a burlap sack. That’s why you get your hair and nails did. Don’t fucking lie to me, I know the fucking truth. Make sure you wear some yoga pants too. They don’t have to be white, but so long as they’re on, you’ll be a hit.

And there’s good news, I’ve been told by women that yoga pants are just damn comfortable. Comfort and sexy? Now you’re thinking like a man.

Finally, make sure you wear that purse with the strap in between the boobs. Yes, the boobstrap will add that extra POW! that you’re looking for. You don’t need fancy earrings or necklaces. You don’t need gold or diamonds. All you need is that purse placed right, no bra, and some yoga pants and you’ll win every time. You don’t necessarily have to plan to go out and have sex like a whore, and you don’t have to feel like you’re dressed like one. Think of it as you’re dressed like a goddess, and admit for once that you like the fucking attention. Dress the part and you’ll get it, because in the end.. we like giving that attention, and we’re all just looking for our own Pamela Anderson.