The Ugliest Female Celebrity 2012

There’s a place where beautiful people live. Its centralized around a city in California. Who is there? The rich, and powerful. This is the place where the beautiful people congregate in their glory. Paid ridiculous amounts of money for their beauty and talent, these people are the aristocracy of modern times.

Normal people gather, wait, and pray for a mere glimpse of these Gods among humans. Together we help the fortunes of these far greater humans grow. Out of love, lust, admiration, or obsession. We can’t help it. Its our duty, its our obsession.

However, among all of these beautiful people there remains a select few who are by far and large.. far far uglier than the rest. That is of whom we speak today. The Ugliest Female Celebrity. This year here at the critic we added a twist: “A-List” Celebs. I made an exception here and there, because I make the rules. It’s good to be king.

Firstly we have to discuss business as always. For with my campaign promises, I must deliver the goods.

Page 37 reads as such:

Do not marry for love. Do not marry out of lust. No, I tell you that you must always remember that you should marry someone who is far larger and grotesque in size. You’re asking yourself why, and I’ll explain. The first defense in the case of a Zombie attack is of course, being able to flee the scene. Flee to safety and formulate a plan. If you’re wed to someone who is by and large much bigger than you, remember that they are like deploying counter measures. They’re too big to move quickly and this will give the undead an obvious target whilst you are able to flee to safety.

Love will not save you from an attacking zombie.. but a fat wife who can’t keep up? Works every time.

As with the previous two installments of this blog, once again the premise is unchanged. You name them. I narrow them. You vote. This is actually the one time a year I actually DON’T need a strong set of credentials. It is you who need them. Can you see clearly? Can you be an over opinionated fuck rag like me? Well then welcome to the critic group. You’re now qualified to vote. And vote you did. And report…I will do. I’m merely a conduit from which your opinions will flow.

If you need more credentials than that, you’re just being an asshole. But since you’re an asshole.. bitch please. This is my third Ugliest Celeb blog. I know what the fuck I’m doing. Happy now? You’re never happy.

Saying goodbye is never easy. It rips out your heart and soul and makes you cry a thousand tears. Yet after last years pure dominance I felt it was time to let this Queen of the Uglies get put into the history books.. we might see her again sometime, you never know. As for now, she will always be our 2011 Queen of all Ugly. Retired.

So too goes with our 2010 winner. Sometimes you have to retire the greats so new contenders can emerge. This one is like drilling a hole in my chest, but I felt that it was time we say goodbye to the Swank and remember that she is a girl, you know.. and that she is the ugliest of uglies.. or at least was in 2010 before being dethroned last year by Donatella Versace. Retired.

So now we have room for all sorts of new ugliness. How fucking great is that? Its so great that I’ve chosen to start of with the customary category:

Clearly some people are not very good at seeing who is ugly and who isn’t. That’s what I’m here for. I set boundaries and I remind you when you’re being fucking stupid. So if you nominated the following… sorry.. but you’re wrong.

What indeed were you thinking when you suggested Pamela Anderson? I don’t remember who the fuck you were, but I’m guessing wildly here and saying you’re a chick with no tits. Never will Pamela grace this list. Surely you must know this by now.

After the shocker of my Pam being nominated, someone else decided to be blind and nominate Victoria Beckham? I mean really. First off she was a spice girl. And I don’t mean the ugly dyke one Sporty Spice. No, this was Posh spice, and as any limey could tell you, she is 50'% of the most powerful star couple in all of the British Iles.. because she’s married to David Beckham who is a badass football soccer player. Not only that but he’s loved by every woman on earth. Seriously though, this chick is fuckin hot. Get real.

Ok look, this chick may be stupid as fuck, but ugly she is not. Yeah, lets face it, she’d probably make an awful vice president, but she’ll make a great White House aid. Which is why I intend to hire her after I’m elected. Fuckin A right. Say whatever you like about Sarah Palin, but she’s not ugly. And that’s fuckin gospel, bitches.

Kelly Osborne is someone we talk about every year. Yes, she was ugly. No she isn’t anymore. We have been over this before. She went through a transformation of epic proportions and it was the greatest thing in the world. That shit was better than fizzy lifting drink. So give the chick a break, she’s been looking pretty good lately. I’d hit it. Just sayin.

Finally we have Goldie. I thought this was a cruel addition to the list. I mean, she doesn’t look as good as she once did, but she’s still got it, even if she has not got the career to go with it. Her daughter does though, and I’d give a testicle to get on her. You would too. Maybe you’re saying, “Oh critic, I’m a girl” Fuck you. You’d grow a testicle just to give it so you could nail Kate Hudson. Well back on topic… apples don’t fall far from the tree there, friends.

You’re welcome.

 

 

And finally.. Kathy Griffin. Because I fucking said so. Fuck you if you don’t think she’s hot. Not only is she hot, but she’s also funny. I dig the hell out of her, and I’m sure she’s reading this right now trying to find out who just who the wizard behind this curtain is so she can hunt me down and take advantage of me. Kathy.. call me. Seriously.

As with every year there are some that were good, oh so good suggestions.. but they just couldn’t make the cut. As with every list ever written, there can only be ten in the top ten, and so some of you are just not good enough or in this case, ugly enough to make that cut. The following didn’t make the cut. But were they close? Oh yeah.

Molly Shannon. Sure she’s not pretty, but she always acts kinda retarded and that’s gotta make you smile. And making you smile is worth something right?

Plus my mom always said you shouldn’t make fun of the downs kid across the street. “Critic..” she would say, “Its not nice to make fun of retards.” its not nice, but it can be funny mom. SUPERSTAR!!!

Renee Zellwegger. Good old lemon face fell from grace this year. She didn’t make the top ten list and that’s a shame for her. If she were from China they’d kill her for dishonoring her family. From number ten to out of the list. I guess if she’s reading this she considers that a “good year” – but what does she know other than sucking on lemons. And about having a huge fucking head.

Rachel Dratch. Last year she made the honorable mention, but there’s just not enough oompff behind this chick to push her into the top ten. Plus she’s really not A-List quality. In fact, I couldn’t even really tell you who she is. Why is she even a celebrity? Maybe I’d not add her to the H.M. section here but people said her name like three or four times as a suggestion. Seriously? This chick is more of a nobody than me.. I mean.. fuck you.

Joan Cusak. Poor Joany, she’s really not very pretty and seems she has a hard time landing roles in movies without her brother staring in them first. And really, when was the last time HE was a major star? Its been a long time since the 80s.

Joan Rivers. Fuck man, this chick is not good looking. Not even doctors can help her. If this were a Top 11 list she would have made it. I won’t lie, she was a last minute scratch. But it had to happen. So congrats to Joan for making honorable mention. Better luck next time.

Rhea Pearlman. A fall from the top ten list for her as well. Poor midget. She’s still not good looking though. I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick dude. Seriously.

Plus she’s kinda old. But hey Danny Devito likes her and he’s hella funny on Always Sunny. So put that in your pipe and smoke, bitch.

Julia Roberts. Someday this horse headed ginger cunt will make the top ten. Never fear. As she gets older she gets more pompous and full of her own land sliding career. Fuck this chick, she sucks. She’s not very good, she’s not good looking and if you’re a woman and care about personalities- she’s as ugly as they come. Oh, but she wasn’t on the list last year, yet was an honorable mention in 2010. Welcome back, twat.

Maggie Gyllenhaal. Droopy the human. At first I was surprised to see her on last years list. Then she got a little bit of attention in the polling process which elevated her to number 7. I think this years departure from the top ten is directly related to how long its been since she was in a cool fucking movie like batman. Oh and she still looks like Steve Buscemi with tits.

I think that’s enough honorable mentions for this year. I must admit that last year it took me roughly 7 hours to compile this blog entry, where as this year I’m on a strict schedule. That is because but not directly related to too much xbox. I really drink a lot. what is a celebrity? where are my fucking pants? I work a lot. So, are you ready for the top ten? Good! Then lets muzzle fuck this bitch and get her done like a cock replacement surgery.

It is here that you find where all your hard voting went to work for the finality of this blog. Our yearly event is nearly complete. It is also right here that I get to reuse graphics. That makes me happy.

Tilda Swinton. She comes in at number ten this year down from number six last year. This year she didn’t create nearly the stir she did last year. In fact, no one had much to say about her at all. Barely did she make the list, and barely did she get any votes, thus proving that if she was not so goddamnably hideously ugly, she’d have exactly jack fucking shit going for her. Look, last year you bitched she was talented but this year no one had a kind thing to say about this carpet munching carrot top. I’ll tell you one thing that I’ve realized this year, is that she is not only ugly, but she’s so ugly she could pass for David Bowie. If you’re freaking out over the Labyrinth then calm the fuck down, I mean David Bowie THE REST OF THE FUCKIN TIME. Congrats to Tilda though, its not easy to make the list two years running. Maybe next year you’ll do something and everyone will remember you still exist.

Kristen Stewart. Could this come at a better time? Of fuck no it could not. Not only is the chick a dreadful actress, but the Twilight star has now moonlighted her porn star skills to a much older director. Ahh poor bad haired bad teethed Robbie Pattinson is heart broken, and the house which they once shared is now vacated of her. I fucking love it when shit like this is timed perfectly. Here we have the fact that somehow this ugly as sin bitch is a rising star in Hollywood and now she is thrown down into the gutter and the whole world suddenly thinks she’s trash for fucking around on her sweet boyfriend. Women are evil. What is between their legs will drive men batty, and that goes too, apparently for ugly, unhappy, unskilled actors. Lets hope she’s better in bed? Though I’d not give it a chance personally. If she fucked around once, she’ll do it again, and could have done it a lot. God only knows where her vagina has been. Perhaps she’s entering into the realm of the likes of Christina Aguil..whatever. Where she may be 30.. but her vagina is 60. Ahh poor girl. Maybe she just idolized Madonna or something.

Madonna. Maybe she wasn’t the original Hollywood whore, but she has been fucking a lot of guys ever since someone discovered her ability to sing. The bottom line is, who cares about what this chick has done with her career. What’s more impressive is WHO she has done. Which is a lot of fucking people. I’m honored to say I am one of 15 men in the world that Madonna hasn’t fucked yet. Though God only knows when this ugly ass bitch could come to my door. The odd thing? She was actually pretty once. Sorry for me, I wasn’t old enough in the 80’s to cash in on that. But now.. the Madonna we all see.. well, its pretty awful. And that’s why you voted her where you fuckin did.

Cher. Last year Cher missed the list. I was shocked. However, I am still not convinced Cher is a female. In fact, all these pictures you see of he/she/it/thing – its wearing a scarf. Fashionable? Perhaps.. but hiding an Adam’s Apple? Definitely. This chicks voice is deeper than mine. And I think she’s taller than me too, and that’s not easy, since it’s not like I am THAT shrimpy. Fuck you.

No this Cher person, is a man, I’m convinced of it. Regardless, we welcome her back to the list after last years hiatus. Fuck she’s ugly. What creeps me out even more is at one point in time this ugly girlmanthing was considered something of a sex symbol. What were you people TAKING in the 70’s and 80s? Christ, its like I was an adult at the wrong time. Now though, who loves her? Gay men only. Haha. This is your brain on drugs.

Courtney Love. Courtney love is a weird case. Not mentioned last year, but she was a mention in 2010 but she was let go on a technicality. She could be pretty once. This year, all bets are off bitch, because if you look.. Madonna was pretty once. It seems to be the common theme this year. She was pretty.. but then something happened and we got stuck with this makeup splattered cow with little to no talent. Love here is most noted as being the chick who killed was married to Kurt Cobain. Big fuckin news there. Look, the guy maybe saw her when she was pretty.. maybe.. but the truth is, he was shooting heroin all the fucking time. I don’t care if you loved Nirvana. They were junkies together and that’s why she ended up as Godawful ugly as she did. She could be pretty.. but she’s just fucking not.

Lady Gaga. This one came as a shock to me. She was an honorable mention our first year running but last year she skyfuckinrocketed to to the top of the fucking list. She didn’t stand a chance against her idol… Donatella.. but she did have a solid fucking command on a second place finish. This year we see a big fuckin drop as she slides to the 5th place marking… With her luck as little miss ugly, I think we can start calling her “The Bridesmaid” – because she’s never reached the true pinnacle of success on this forum.. and in the real world she’s about as awfully ugly as a person can get. What’s worse? This bitch acts as though she’s got some kind of special message that should be heard by the world. She makes statements like wearing a dress made out of meat. Can you imagine what her vagina smelled like after? Ho-lee fuck shit! Fuck this chick? No way, not for all her money. The fact that she feels the need to wear her own propaganda makes her not only ugly, but stupid. And furthermore, she’s just another lame ass celeb who thinks that their opinion is so goddamned important that we should all hear it. Dear Gaga.. shut the fuck up. And get some surgery. Seriously.

Nicki Minaj. After last years blog was published, a faithful contacted me and said “Nicki Minaj needs to be on the list next year.” To which I responded with: “Who?”

But she was nominated anyways and the votes speak for themselves as she passes up the Gaga on her first ever introduction on to the Ugliest Female Celeb list. I did a bit of research on this chick and guess what I found out? Not much. Basically she’s the black Lady Gaga. How original. Lets just be weird and show off our tits with awesome strange clothes..

The real truth, after I did some more research is this though.. Nicki Minaj… is Mrs. Potato Head. Its not a race thing, it’s a fact thing. Look at the picture and you’ll see what I’m talking about. And lets face the honest truth.. No one ever got a boner from looking at Mrs. Potato Head.

Tori Spelling. Last years absence gave Tori a bit of reprieve but I saw her back on tv hosting some worthless crafting show. Which means her career is on the up and up and so someone remembered her enough to nominate her once again, and then all of you went “OH YEAH!” Like you're Kool Aid or something. Tori is one of those ugly souls. No matter what she does.. she can’t get pretty. She made a career.. albeit a short one, on TV’s 90210 as.. you guessed it.. The Ugly Friend. She was the fucking grenade. If I was going to a bar to meet chicks with my buddies and we saw the group of chicks with the grenade.. ie.. Tori Spelling.. I’d sick my friend MCP on her. He’d probably grenade jump that shit and be a hero.

But not many other people would. No matter how hard Tori tries she’ll always be ugly. She’s the ugly duckling that grew up to be the ugly fucking swan.

Sandra Bernhardt. Finally someone moved UP on the list. She came in 3rd place last year, but apparently that David Letterman-esque tooth gap and huge mouth propelled her forward. But it wasn’t enough because she is just our first runners up. Poor ugly dyke. She was the one exception I made to the rule of A-Listers. Because lets face it.. she did like.. some time on Roseanne back in the 90s. And she was on an episode or two of Ally McBeal.. but she hasn’t really done anything to launch this amazing career that every person (even the uglies) who moves to LA tries to do. That’s alright Sandy. I let her on the list because I’m in charge and I can do that. Also because I can think of no one more appropriate to be on this list because she is as ugly as it gets. Fun fact. Her front teeth are so far apart you can actually drive a 1965 Cadillac through it. Truth.

I still stick by what I said about her last year: This chick looks like she climbed straight out of hell. That’s the only way you get to be that ugly. Her personality.. funny.. her voice.. nasty. She plays the same raunchy character in everything she does, but she always gets paid and she gets paid more than I do. So fuck this chick.. if you’re a chick.. because she won’t take the D fellas. Not that there’s a guy on the face of the earth that is THAT desperate. Not even the grenade jumpers.

Are you ready for number one? I’m so excited for this one.. its been a long time coming…

Sarah Jessica Parker. Thank fucking God. Seriously, in 2010 she was a front runner for the top, but she couldn’t beat out the Swanknasty. But that didn’t deter her.. No for sure we all thought she’d come back triumphantly last year and in 2011 make a solid contention for the crown of all which is horribly horribly ugly.

But she didn’t.

Do you know why? Its because all of you were too fucking lazy to nominate her. She was actually nominated.. after the nominating process was over. I was dumfounded, so in my haze of writing the blog last year.. she got herself on the Honorable Mention list.. and it was a disappointing finish indeed. This year though, you pass her the crown, the crown she deserves, because there is no greater horse faced big toothed odd voiced lanky ugly bitch in Hollyweird than SJP herself. What’s truly amazing is how much like a horse she really looks. In fact, without make up, people often times try to ride her. And not in a sexual way. Only Farris Bueller gets to do that. (You’d think that guy would have had better taste)

You could say that SJP was the horse to put your money on for this race. This is her Kentucky Derby, and she is on her way to the triple crown. Don’t feel bad for her though, because she has millions of dollars so she can lend herself out to studs anytime and produce lots of little other horses.

Admit it, you thought of a donkey show.

And so, by your voting, once again, your voices heard,  you crown Sarah Jessica Parker…

Make sure you take a sticker on your way out.

Disclaimer: If your say hey! I nominated someone who isn’t on this list! Well ask yourself something.. are they affiliated with a political candidate? Because if so, then you should know I can’t talk shit about those peoples wives. Its what my campaign manager told me to do. After I win the election, I’ll tell you all about uppity cunts that shall, for now, remain nameless. Until then.. you can speculate.