In my last blog everyone who read it pretty much gave me the same kind of feedback. I wasn’t too thrilled with it.. but because I believe that here the truth shall reign fuckin supreme.. I will share the feedback with you. It was like this:
- it was ok
- not your best
- I liked it alright
- A bit tame
- too tame
- not what your fans come to expect from you
That shit hurts. You know, I try to give you a nice biblical lesson and you just fucking shit on my chest without even asking permission.
I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m.. back. Fuck you, bitches. You think you can bring down this mother fuckin critic? I think not, twats! And so with this instilment of the critic, I will do my goddamned best to insult each and every last fucking one of you. Starting with..
ALL OF YOU
This weeks bible lesson comes from a new bible which if you don’t have, run out to amazon and buy it as soon as someone agrees to 
publish it. Since we’re dealing with anger issues today, we’re gonna relate this one to each and every one of you out there. Page 228 reads:
Your good looks won’t save you during the Zombie Apocalypse. Neither will your GQ style, nor how well you know how to use your vagina for manipulation.
That’s a fuckin fact. Moving on.
My credentials for the battle of the sexes? Well I’m the critic, this is my world and here we have a prime example of where my opinion is the only one that matters! Why you ask? Because I said so, bitch. Like it. Like every minute of it.
It would be out of character and probably shock all of you if I ended 
it like that, so I won’t. Because I’m cooler than that, you know it, damn it. I’m a man, I’ve an open mind and I’m very intuitive. Also, since I’m the Harbinger of Truth, this qualifies me greatly. Still don’t believe me? Well read on creepers. This rocket ship of doom has launched.
The battle of the sexes is simple. I’m going to make it so easy.. even a woman can understand it. We’re going to compare the advantages and disadvantages of the sexes and at the end we’re going to do do a brief tally and see who the winner is. Simple? Ok. Should we get started? Lets!
Camping is one of those activities which men typically accelerate at. We can get lost naturally, but normally find our way out. The reason? We can read a map. Women.. well you can’t. On TV women are always the ones who are like “Stop and ask for directions..” which was probably the right thing to do.. in the 1950’s. Modern times and the advent of GPS and TOMTOM means that no one really needs to read a map anymore. And no one needs to ask for directions. Therefore, the point to men 
for being able to read a map is null and void by the woman’s point for having the logic of asking for directions, and they are both cancelled out by the fact that no one has to do either anymore because GPS changed the world completely.
That said, sticking with the great out doors and what not: Pissing in the fucking wilderness is great. Just like the beasts, we get to go out into the wild and mark our territory. If you’re a man, that means you can piss on every rock, stick, branch, leaf, and patch of grass you want. If you’re a woman that means you get to piss on.. well, your leg.
The inability to piss whilst standing, is a major deterrent to being a female. You don’t have to try to deny it, bitches, we guys know its true. You pretend you like camping, but the simple matter is, every time you go, and you piss yourself, because inevitably you will because you CANNOT piss standing up, by default, you know that though man is a primal beast marking his territory, you on the other hand are nothing but an imbecilic creature who cannot even keep from defecating on yourself. Since soiling your own clothes is quite disgusting.. that’s a major loss of points for you. Advantage: Men
Driving. That’s a topic that we’ve covered at length before here on the critic. And what the conclusion was, is that despite the fact that most guys are dick whole cunt rag drivers, they are still far better drivers than women. Not only do women insist on driving whilst putting on make up, eating, texting, talking on the phone, curling 
their hair, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a cup of coffee, but they insist on doing it daily. Now I know what you bitches are saying, that’s not fair critic, you have used this material before. You’re right, I have.. and its unfair. So let me slam the door on your ideals here really quick with one easy questions:
Why is it that women cannot parallel park?
Fucking shit man, its not that hard. You can see guys who have the smallest dicks in the world and consequently drive these massive penile implant pick up trucks… that are bigger than your average 
trailer in a park in Texas. Or, as they call it in Texas: The good side of the tracks. But a woman in a fucking fiat, or a Mini Cooper cannot manage to park that thing on a street between two cars if she had the room of 5 fucking football fields. I’m sorry bitches, but your inability to drive may be null because of the fact that I’ve covered that material before, but the fact that what you do behind a steering wheel is not only dangerous but mentally retarded cannot be overlooked. Advantage: Men.
It is at this point that you women out there are thinking jesus tap dancing christ, the critic has nothing nice to say about us! Well here, I’ll give you something.
Tits.
They’re fucking amazing and no matter how big a guy can grow 
moobs.. its just not the fucking same. We love tits so much that we’d all punch each other into oblivion for a nice set of them. And as we all know, there is no nicer set of tits on this earth than those which are connected to the epidermis of Pamela Anderson.
It’s a pretty unfair advantage, women, that you have Pam on your side. Guys would kill to have a mascot like that. Sure we have guys like Brad Pitt, but really.. get fucking real. Somewhere out there there is a woman who says, “Brad.. he’s not attractive. At all.” Where as every time in the history of the world a man has uttered the phrase, “Pamela Anderson isn’t hot.” The earth actually opened up and swallowed that cocksucker 
whole. It’s a fucking fact that the earth will not allow any man on this planet to think Pamela Anderson isn’t hot. Therefore, once again I say, pretty unfair advantage, skanks.
Advantage: Women.
Now that you have that feather in your cap..
Let’s take a quick break. Is everyone feeling ok? Maybe the critic hasn’t been too mean yet? Or do you need a fuckin lollypop. Fuck you, I want a lollypop. Also, I’m going to look at more pictures of good old Pammy. Be right back.
….
So I’m back, did you miss me? I 
know you fuckin did. You’re dying to see how this blog is gonna wrap up. I know you well.. Well lets wrap it up nice and tight like, and make sure that we get no trophies outta this slut.
That time of the month. I had a boss once, his name was Ed. He was the dirtiest sonovabitch I’ve ever met, and he looked like Tim Curry. Anyways, he always said: “Never trust something that can bleed for a week and not die.” 
Sorry ladies, but he has a valid fucking point here. You may say it’s a natural thing and all women do it, which doesn’t help your cause. We men cannot fathom bleeding for a week. We’d be dead. It’s a fact. Now, you may be 
thinking this should give you the advantage on this one… WRONG! It does not. No, fuck that nonsensical bullshit. That’s like being a zombie. And what do we do with zombies? That’s right.. we fucking kill them. Advantage: Men.
Vacation.. Secrets.
Its no shock to think that whilst vacationing alone, you can always end up with a need to.. pleasure yourself. Now, I know what you’re thinking, man or woman you’re saying: Fuck that, I’d go find someone to straight up fuck.
No you wouldn’t you lying pieces of shit. Its not like its as easy as just going to the bar and saying SOMEONE WANNA FUCK!? Unless of course, you’re a female. And a slut. So lets change this to we’re vacationing alone.. in Africa. That’s right. The birthplace and hometown of AIDS. You’re not gonna go fuck someone. There. So 
anyways..
You need to give yourself a little pleasure. Its been a long trip perhaps. Well, for a guy, that’s easy, all we need is our trusty hand. Fuck yah, not only can it pen out a dissertation on world peace, it can also bring inner peace.
Women, on the other hand.. well in order to truly get the full sensation you 
require.. you have to bring.. a toy. Which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.. unless you think about going through customs and some TSA asshole having his grubby mits on your favorite vibemaster 10 billion? OR WORSE! What if after rifling
through your luggage with disregard, they end up leaving that vacation boyfriend near the top and by accident, whilst in a hotel lobby.. it happens to fall out. Oh lord, how would THAT make you feel? So really, the ability for self pleasurization .. cmon, you know where this is going.. Advantage: Men.
Vagina.
The sexual reproductive organ of females.. an the most sought after thing by any and every male on the earth. You might be saying, oh no, not gay men! That’s true, they turned to loving the cock.. because their efforts to get the vag left them distraught after repeated failures. The simple and absolute truth about the vagina is, it does not matter whom it belongs to, it is the worlds finest currency. It is more powerful than a nuclear warhead and stronger than the hulk.
Through their vaginas, women wield a power so great that no man can resist its temptation. It can turn the brain of any man to goo, and make us do things that normally we’d never do. It renders us as smart as cavemen.
The simple fact of the matter is, we men, are quite stupid. It’s a proven fact that boobs alone will sway the average man… for the rest of us there is the vagina to sway us. And women, knowing how to use their built in superpowers because they are the most evil of all creatures ever created on this earth, will show you not only their boobs, but their vagina at the same time, and then.. well lets face it boys… we’re putty in their evil fucking hands.
Advantage: Women.
So lets do a rough tally.. men can piss standing up, we can drive better AND park a car.. we don’t need toys to pleasure ourselves and we don’t unnaturally bleed for a week at a time without dying, thus giving us a solid score of 4.
Women have tits and va-jayjays. Thus giving them a score of 10,000,000,000.
Sorry fellas, we lost. Women will always win the battle of the sexes, because we will die for the tits, ass, pussy, long hair, pretty features, perfume, soft skin, and a gorgeous smile. It’s a simple fact of life. So live it up ladies.. and go boss your bitch man around for a bit to make yourselves feel better.
Bitches.
