The State of the Union

The title says it all. Today we look into my year end review, my state of the union address. Which union you ask? I could be talking about the dismal state that the world is in.. regardless of which country you reside in. But no, that would be political, but not political enough wouldn’t you say?

No, today we’re speaking of this union. Our union.  Yours and mine. Its thriving, though you may not know it. Well guess what motherfucker? I’m here to explain all of that shit to you.

Well of course I am qualified to talk about us. Why wouldn’t I fucking be? I listen to you, I hear you, I feel you. I love you. Its true, I can’t hide my emotions anymore! I must scream to the world that you are mine and I am mine, and what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine. I’m gonna take all that’s good from you and leave you a desolate lifeless shell bitch! We’re going to flourish together. You and me and me and you and since I am involved with all of that, I am obviously qualified to talk about it. Plus, I own your ass. I sell you all your bullshit lies you tell your friends. I’m sleeping with your sister. I need you as much as you need me.

But first, I’m gonna fucking bitch at you, so get ready.

Are you ready?  Well too bad, because I am, twat!

Here we are and we just passed another anniversary date. That’s right, here at the critic we’re celebrating our 2nd anniversary.  ONCE A FUCKING GAIN, you did not say congratulations, you did not say happy anniversary, you did not GET ME MY FUCKING CARD!! I’ve talked about this before. The importance of a card. It is vital. No one got me one. No one said a fucking thing. And you’ve broken my heart. Again. Just like last year. I’m going home to mothers.

So you know what? FUCK YOU. I got myself my own fucking card. I don’t need you anyways.

And its pretty. And it has roses.

Are you going? Damn right you are. I expected so much more.

Now that that’s done. That’s right hookers, the critic has officially turned two years old just a couple days ago. This is an amazing feat. Some of you are new to the critic, some of you have been here forever. And by forever, I mean before the critic.. when I blogged on gay ass myspace, or before that when I wrote about a daily journey into hell.. or even before that when I wrote a small, popular, yet very unpopular piece called “The Vato Bible” – yes, some of you have been here for a long time, and those of you are the ones who I love more than cheetos.

That’s a lie, I love cheetos most of all. But you’re a distant second place.

Moving on.

Since my run for the presidency is on, and in full swing, having won the nomination from the Truth Party, I figure it is high time I start preparing for the eventual need to give a State of the Union Address, and so I will start today, here, now, with you, and I will give my address, and it will usher us in to the new year. What a way to go out with a bang! Though I can think of another bang I’d rather have. Alas, I am a writer, and being a writer means you don’t know how to comb your hair or get a hair cut regularly. This sort of thing scares off the ladies, I’m afraid. Trust me. I know. To be a critic is to be alone. I carry a heavy weight, the world.. and all the truth that is in it depends on me. And so, I go it alone. Like Texas. NOW LETS FRY SOME MOTHERFUCKERS!

So as you pour into my reception hall, to listen to me tell you how wonderful and great of a job I’m doing, you might be thinking to yourself, fuck you critic, last year you published nearly twice as many blogs as you did this year. You would be right.. kinda.  In 2010 this site here saw the publication of 28 blogs This year.. well this would be #15. Fuck you, that’s more than one a month, and you try coming up with as much bullshit truth to talk about as I do. Its not easy. I even went through a period of writers block. Then I discovered village inn. Life was suddenly better. This year also marked the launch of our facebook site, which I do my utmost best to promote here, as I do with the facebook site in promoting this site. Do you see how both sides of our government are working together here? This bipartisanship has never before been seen in government before. But like the wind I work change together. You really want change in the government? Hire a guy who doesn’t give a flying fuck about them. That’ll turn heads. So here we are, working together as one, making some fucking magic happen. Like magic markers, like sniffing white out. This shit just got epic. How epic? On the sister site there are many of shorter blogs. Critiques, Critical Analysis’ and of course the bitching, moaning, insulting, and all out crudeness you have come to expect from the critic. That is just what I fucking do. And I do it well, and I do it to you, for you, and I’d do it with you but.. well I don’t know where you’ve been. I’m just lying here again, I’m desperate.. I’d hit it.

So the shorter blogs which you find on the critic facebook should make up for the slack we’ve seen here, since they total 27 of them. That’s a pretty fair balance. 

2011 saw a statistical rise in significance and importance.. and also recognition. On Facebook, they call you “fans” of a site, author, whatever. I don’t like to use that. No fucking way. I like to think of you as not my fan, but as my concubine. You’re my whore, I’m your john, and together we make sweet sweet love. And so, I do not refer to any of you as a fan, but I refer to you as a collective, and that collective I call:

Pretty fucking sweet huh? Yah, so now you all can tell your friends where you belong.  And how many of you are there? Its good to know there are strength in numbers. We’re currently reaching out to over 4,000 people a month, over 50 countries, and 6 continents. If that’s not fucking cool to you, you might want to wake the fuck up and slap the shit out of yourself. Because the truth is, you’re a part of this motherfuckers, you are what fuels me and keeps me writing even when it feels like I’m working too hard at it and not getting paid for it. Fuck it. I don’t give a fuck. Because you complete me.

Even if you didn’t get me a fucking card. (it’s a dick move, I’m just sayin)

So that’s motherfucking 2011. A good year for some, a bad year for others, and for the rest of us, just another fucking day in the life. Moving forward into 2012, you might be wondering what you can expect to see and year from the critic. So lets talk about it for a brief moment.  As with every year, you can expect a lot of truth. That’s what we produce in this factory of excellence. You can also count on having WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE. In case you’ve forgotten, 2012 is the year of the mother fucking apocalypse so with the pending zombie attacks, I will be here to arm you with the truth, and by doing so, with each installment of the critic you read, you will have a tip to help you survive the zombie apocalypse. I will bring that tip to you from a source of absolute power, my personal bible which I carry everywhere. At all times. Just you wait and see.

You can expect more pissed off rants, you can expect more reading about television and movies and other shit that you NEED TO KNOW to help you live. As a critic, this is what I have to do. Its in my blood. It would be in my soul if I had one. And if I had one YOU WOULD BE MY FUCKING SOULMATE!

Finally, lets ditch all this boring political sounding shit, and brush on a topic I’ve wanted to hit for a while.

PAMELA FUCKIN ANDERSON!!!!!!!!

No wait, that’s not what I meant when I said there was something I wanted to hit. Well it is.. but its not. Yet it fucking is. Oh yes it is. Canada’s greatest export.

No I meant the movies. They are entertaining and they are fantastic. I love going to the movies for many reasons. First off, I get to shell out a fuck load of a lot of money for something that will only cost me a dollar at home to see in three months. At the movies I can’t pause them to go have a smoke, take a piss or to walk my dogs.

The movies when you think about it, pretty much suck. If you’re at a movie you’re really interested in, inevitably there is someone who is talking when you don’t want them to. But if you’re like me and you watched way too much Mystery Science Theatre 3000, then you’re ready to laugh at anything that comes on the screen, and you want the rest of the people around you to appreciate it the same way you do. Yet they don’t. They tell you to hush.. shh.. or straight up shut the fuck up. Once I was at the movies with a fellow who was talking, and the guy behind us leaned forward and said: If you don’t shut your fucking mouth, I’m going to stab the shit out of you.

That’s right, people in the land locked hell hole are violent motherfuckers. And mostly hicks. So they’d prolly do it. Assholes. So, needless to say, the 4 of us stood up and offered him an old school ass whipping in front of his wife and kid. He shut up afterwards and didn’t have another thing to say. Strange that. Ahh well, yet I digress. So there are motherfuckers who talk to much, sometimes its you sometimes its someone else. There is always that asshole who DOESN’T TURN OFF HIS FUCKING PHONE. That guy deserves to be hung. I mean really, if you want to talk on the phone, stay home and transform yourself into a 13 year old girl. They love the phone just like you, you pedophile fuck rag.

There’s the horrible popcorn, the coke that cost you’re the same as last months rent, and my favorite:

The crying child.

I don’t have kids, but if I did, I wouldn’t take them to a rated R movie where there will likely be tits, ass, fucking, swearing, fucking swearing, and violence. This is how you teach young children to grow up and become serial killers. Yet people do this. Often. Regularly. And the worst part is not the fact that I know someday in the future I’ll have to defend myself from this maniac, but more so that at some point this kid is going to cry, scream, and make me want to bash their head in with a shovel. Seriously, if you own children, do the rest of us a fucking favor and don’t bring them to the goddamn movie theatre. I had to sell my kidney to come see this subpar piece of shit that I’m regretting and wishing I’d bought a prostitute instead, but you’ve just made it worse by bringing your fucking kid. And I fucking hate you for it.

So lesson learned, wait for redbox, netflix, or some bastard to put that pirated shit on the interweb. Thanks again, Al Gore!

So lets wrap this up, shall we? Once again with this piece I’ve demonstrated why I’m better suited for the task of the president. The State of the Union address normally happens sometime in January so the president has time to get with this personalized awesome writers so he can tell you what a wonderful fucking job he’s doing, even though if he were actually doing a wonderful fucking job we’d already know it and not need him to tell us WHY he is good at his job. Fuck you sir, we know you’re a piece of shit. Every last one of you, because you have to remind us that you did something impressive, that is direct proof that you haven’t done a damn thing right. That’s why as we blast off into the new year, an election year at that, the critic is rocketing into his world wide coverage and dominance, armed with a Legion of Truth and a fine case of indigestion and he will bring this motherfucker to the ground.

So enjoy your last few days of the last good year on earth. Starting January 1 we prepare for the Zombie invasion. And unlike all other presidential candidates, I am here for you, arming you with what you’ll need to survive: knowledge. Now lets go get our drink on, maybe if you get drunk enough I can take advantage of you and we can blow the last of this shit hole year to smithereens together!

Happy New Year, motherfuckers!

Ruined.

We all fucking know that the internet,  was first developed by Al Gore. Thank you, Mr. Gore.  As we all know though, the internet was invented for three things and three things only.

1. So assholes like me can push their opinions on people and make them believe it’s give them the light of truth.
2. Youtube. You know you watch it. Religiously, often. And you fucking love it you lushes.
3. Porn. Don’t try and convince me you don’t read it, watch it, look at it, enjoy it. I know differently.

But you, you asshole motherfuckers. You have ruined the internet. You know how you are, and you know what you did. Its not ok, and we’re not going to be putting up with it. Its not porn, its not opinions, and its not fucking you tube. Goddamn it, where do you think you’re getting off here making shit like this. Well its not ok, and I for one am not going to let you get away with it.

I know what is and what isn’t cute. I do, I swear it to you with all my fiber. You however, have this idea of what is cute, and you are wrong. Let us start from the beginning.

cute

/kyut/ [kyoot]

adjective, cut·er, cut·est.

1. attractive, especially in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.

2. appealing and delightful; charming: What a cute toy!

3. affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: The child has acquired some intolerably cute mannerisms.

4. mentally keen; clever; shrewd.

noun

5. the cutes, Informal . self-consciously cute mannerisms or appeal; affected coyness: The young actress has a bad case of the cutes.

Dictionary.com tells us that much. Now I know what you’re thinking; what dear critic, what does the man code dictionary say?

Well allow me to enlighten you.

Cute is a reference to a woman, generally. If she is cute she is:

1. Attractive

2. Not attractive enough to be considered “hot”

3. Definitely fuckable.

That’s man code. Obviously now you see that I have proven myself fully in command when it comes to the knowledge of what is cute and what isn’t. Thus now that my credentials are sound and I have proven myself a genius in said category, it is once again time to revert back to what we’re talking about here.

The internet, it was invented for freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of video, and freedom of pornography. Then you came along, you sick sad motherfucker, and you ruined it.

How you ask? Easily, you ruined it with pictures like this:

That’s not cute, its disgusting. People think kittens must be cute, because there are thousands of pictures of them floating around the web. Its like a fad that should have never been. Like Hammer Pants. Yah, you had some, I know you did. Don’t fucking lie to me. The thing about kittens is, though they are cute, when you write something on said picture and you make it sound like they are retarded, you have thus rendered the picture not cute. Furthermore, when you misspelled the words on said picture, purposely, you made it even worse. Basically, you’re saying cats talk like they are retards.

Cats are not retards, they are cunning instinctive killers that would rather claw out your fucking eyeballs than snuggle with you. The only reason they deal with humans at all is because you feed them, and that brings us to our next point. If cats were humans, they’d be obese. That’s right, most cats would be unattractive 400 lbs land monsters. You know its fucking true, and further more, they are all obviously inbred bastards since they can’t speak right to save their lives. They have no jobs, and are living off of welfare. Thank God the government will take care of us all!

I really hate these pictures. They’re fucking awful.  Recently, I posted a picture on Facebook that was a cat showing off his massive balls, someone got offended. OFFENDED! To me they said: Lets do this to you and then we’ll all laugh. Well fuck yes you would, my balls are tiny. You wouldn’t laugh, you’d be in awe, bitch! So basically, what I’ve discovered is, not only do you retards out there who make these awful fucking pictures think they are cute, but you adamantly defend them. Well fuck you very much. Sure you’re entitled to your opinion..even though its wrong. Not my fault. But seriously, why do cats have to speak like retards? I think that’s what makes the pictures even more fucking unbearable. Perhaps if the pictures were made in such a manner to make the cats look intelligent they might be better. Lets face the truth together now, we’ll take a walk down the path of enlightenment. I fucking hate cats. Look, the fact is they’re kinda worthless. They don’t even look happy to see you. I have 2 dogs, both of them who are lazy as fuck. They won’t get a job, even though its up to me alone to knock out the rent every month which I find to be terribly unfair. But whatever, at least when I get home after a day at the office they are happy to see me. Scratch that, maybe they’re not happy to see me… but they fucking pretend REALLY well to be happy to see me, and it has me convinced so who fucking cares? I’m happier when they lie to me anyways, just like women. Women are very good at lying to me, why? Because its easier than the truth. Well I’m good with that too. So my lying asshole lazy unemployed dogs pretend to be excited to see me. So what? So I give them more food and water and don’t put their asses out on the street is what, cock sucker! Cats don’t do that shit. You’re probably saying, my cat does. I’m sure. Everyone has this amazing feline companion that makes their entire world complete. That’s why cats have such a good reputation, right? Now I’ll admit it. There are exceptions to the every rule.. but they are exceptions, not standards.

So, I’ve devised a fail safe system to end all retarded kitty cat pictures on the internet. BEHOLD!!!! THE POWER!!!!

Will it blend guy would be cumming in his fucking pants if he saw this shit, you know its fucking true. And if you don’t know who he is… wake the fuck up and get out of your cave. Fuck, man.

www.willitblend.com

 

I’m sure PETA will be up my ass for this, but I don’t fucking care. They are goat lovers anyways. And I mean goat lovers in the sense of literally, they fuck goats. The need that shit. Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ad.

That was a good joke, fuck you. So fuck you cute cat loving PETA ass fuckers. Know what else I have for you, PETA? You murder shit just like the rest of us. And you ingest that shit just like the rest of us too, so fuckin a man, get out of my goddamned fucking sandbox!

As with every other blog I’ve written, I think this shit out thoroughly and let it never be said that I don’t try and cover all my bases. So, with this one, I tried to make my own cute animal pictures. I’m not sure how it went, but I didn’t just do it with cats, oh fucking no, I used all kinds of animals. Wanna see? Of course you do, you need it. You need it bad. And I’m here to give it to you, I’m gonna give it to you good.

For my first attempt I tried an obscure animal you don’t see get a lot of publicity. Anteaters.

I’m not exactly sure what anteaters do.. other than eat ants. But I know that ants are annoying as fuck, and therefore they should be eaten. I’ve tried it before, its ok, its at least as good as ramen. Notice the correct spelling and what not. He also doesn’t speak in pluralsisis’s.

For my second attempt, I tried a canine, but so I don’t seem racist or anything, I didn’t use my own canines. I showed off some ethnic love too, by picking one from Africa. I thought it was great.. reviews showed it was not well received. Ahh well. I used some slang in there, but to avoid racism, I didn’t make him speak in plurals.

 

Since that didn’t seem to work too well, apparently the picture wasn’t cute. Maybe, I thought, maybe only felines are cute. So I picked a feline as you can see here, on attempt number 3. I couldn’t find one playing with string or anything, so I figured I’d just make it as honest as I could. Again, didn’t have that “cute” factor that everyone seems to be going for these days.

This experimenting took its toll on me. I was having no success. Obviously I was distraught. I was downtrodden, and I was also depressed. And so, with a great deal of reluctance, I decided finally I would try to make cute cat pictures with real, lovable, every day house hold kitties. Again though, I could not make them speak like retards, because that just seems wrong.

The first one, I know what you’re thinking.. Oh my God critic! That cat is so fucking cute! Riiigghhtt? Yah, you see, kittens can never be cute because they grow up into cats. So no matter how “cute” you think they are, the premonition of knowing how they will eventually turn out keeps them from ever being cute. Fact.

And so, it is with these failed attempts at being “cute” that I formed my opinion, and brought us to this point. So here is my plea: STOP FUCKING PUTTING “CUTE” KITTY PICTURES ON THE INTERNET!

or I’ll blend your cat. no shit man, it’ll happen.