Holidaze

The holidays. A time where people celebrate many different things. A time where you start with talking about why you’re thankful and ending with a hangover, and broke. Its this magical time of year that we are now experiencing, so with great reason, I feel we should explore some avenue of truth about the holidays.

Before we jump in, should I explain why I am experienced enough to talk about this subject matter? Well since I do it every time, could I really give you a holiday treat and not do it? Why yes I could, but that’d be like an episode of Southpark without a dead Kenny. And that’s simply not right, and it will not do.

  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Goddamn it, I’m American. This means I’ve spent my entire life doing the dance of happy holidays. Furthermore, I’m an adept study in the arts of faking happy family time! This makes me an expert on all holidays! Hooray! Now that we have the business out of the way, we can get to the real meat of this porn star.

Thanksgiving

A wonderful American holiday where we celebrate the fact that some crazy folk in funny hats raised their collective middle fingers to the king of  England and got the fuck outta dodge. THEN made it to the shores of what is now YankeeTown, MA. And then SURVIVED! But they didn’t do it all on their own, oh no! They got some injuns to help them live and so they invited them over for a FEAST! Then once the feast was over, they gave them the present of small pox, war, and annihilation of their indigenous lifestyles! Thus, America and the American Way was BORN! By fire and fury and we just kicked the shit outta your non white asses, bitch!

Today Thanksgiving is much different. We get together with relatives, even crazy uncle Larry, and we pretend to like each other, and we let the wine floowww! This is the perfect American Holiday. First off, we’re all mostly liars, and we’ve spent all year honing our abilities to fool other people, so this gives us the perfect opportunity to put our skills to the test. Secondly, American’s are mostly grotesquely overweight, and this is a feast of epic proportions. There’s turkey, dressing, gravy and every other assorted dinner meal combined including giblets, and we eat enough  to support a small army.. on our own. This plays to the obesity that’s inside all of us. America: Land of the Beautiful.

Then we get to the month of December, and this brings on a slew of Holidays, and the fun really begins.

I should note here, now, that I am skipping Christmas this year, and the reasons are because of, but not limited to:

1. None of your Goddamned business.

So I thought I would celebrate Kwanzaa instead! Turns out that’s an African American Holiday, and because not only am I not black, but I could also be called Clorox for I am one of the whitest people on the planet. I had hoped to get a sick ass tan on my last vacation and change my name to Jamal and come back to the land locked hell hole and no one would recognize me. I failed. But I digress.

Kwanzaa

I did a bit of reading, and as it turns out, I think that Kwanzaa is actually the biggest rip off of all the holidays that take place. First off, its after Christmas, so its not like Hanukah or something where you celebrate it INSTEAD of Christmas. Oh no, you get this in addition to Christmas, which on its own I guess could be considered cool. But its a rip off. First, you have to be black to get to participate, which I don’t know about you, but that seems kinda racist to me. Secondly, you light up some sweet ass candles on a thing that kinda looks like a menorah.  You then celebrate being black and you give presents.  So, final analysis: Racist rip off of Hanukah. 

Since I am not qualified to celebrate Kwanzaa, I next turned my attention to that of the Muslim Faith.

Ramadan

Ramadan is a month long celebration for holiness. You fast from food all day, and I also read, you fast from sexual activity. This sounds like a shit load of fun doesn’t it!? You get to use some decorations. From what I’ve found the best decorations are some sweet ass lanterns. Basically, you get to spend a shit load of time praying to God to be a better person and/or Muslim.

In the end, I’m not sure that becoming a better person through prayer is such a bad thing, actually. I’m sorry, fellow American’s, it seems that Muslims aren’t as evil as the media tries to make them out. Look at them in a realistic light. Its like Texans. They aren’t ALL bad. Just because you see that dip shit redneck driving around a POS Chevy  pulling an Airstream trailer that looks older than the dinosaurs, that doesn’t mean they are all like that. No! Its true! Remember, a lot of the girls gone wild videos are shot IN Texas! Why? Because those crazy ass hicks know how to party is why! So too are Muslims, you see, not all want to destroy America! No! Some are American’s! And SOME just want to drive a cab and take you where you need to go! That’s service! And that’s the kind of go get em American attitude we need in this bitch! But back to the holiday. Ramadan is refrain from eating, drinking, fucking and over all happiness. Pray because you suck and need God. You can be any color to do it, and can be from any country to enjoy it. But in the end, its a lot of work for only spiritual reward, and why that is not necessarily a bad thing, it is also not a fun thing either. Nor is it enjoyable.

 

 

So, that’s two. At least with this one I’m allowed to participate in. Albeit it does not sound much fun. So, moving on, lets try out another.

Hanukah

“Hanukah is. The festival of Lights. Instead of one day of presents, we have 8 crazy nights!”

So we have Hanukah, the Jewish Holiday that takes place during the month of December. The never wrong Wikipedia describes Hanukah as:

Hanukkah (Hebrew: חֲנֻכָּה‎, Tiberian: Ḥănukkāh, nowadays usually spelled חנוכה pronounced [χanuˈka] in Modern Hebrew, also romanized as Chanukah or Chanuka), also known as the Festival of Lights is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt of the 2nd century BCE.

So what does this mean to someone looking for a holiday to celebrate this whole new holiday year? It means you first convert to Judaism. No biggie there. THEN you get to get a sweet ass tiny hat. its like a secret handshake that’s not a secret nor a handshake, but only the Jews get to sport them. That makes them rad. And special. So you get to light a candle every night AND get a present. This is a pretty sweet deal. The bad news is, employers, unless a Jew owned company, will not give you the entire holiday off. That’s a real bitch and a half, especially if you don’t want to work on a holiday. Anti-Semitic fuck rags! So, the good news is, you can, just like Madonna, convert to becoming a Jew at any time, and thus become a Hanukah celebrating wild shit! This is a plus. You get to fuck with fire, always a plus. And its the real deal, not the rip off Kwanzaa candles. Call it a big W.

Christmas

Christians celebrate this holiday in the true sense of it, and that is the birth of the savior of the Christian faith. Even though most historians agree that this was not the actual time of year of Jesus’ birth, this is when its celebrated. Most think this was a move by the sweet ass Catholic church in an attempt to over shadow popular winter solstice celebrations by heathen devil pagans. I say attempt, but I should note, it was not merely an attempt but a success. Go Pope!

But what does that translate to today for the everyday Joe. You see, the amazing thing about Christmas is it is celebrated world wide, and not just by Christians. This is where the holiday can be disturbing if you really think about it.  We celebrate with an old fat bastard named Santa climbing down our chimney and leaving presents for all of us. This has nothing to do with Jesus’ birthday. But to the average guy, who really gives a damn right? We just want lots of great shit!

So this over weight icon of American obesity fits down the chimney. This doesn’t bother you? You see him at the mall and you go tell him what you want to get from him. Only you have to sit on his lap to do so. This doesn’t bother you?  How does he get around the world in one night to give all the presents away? Magic. Duh. Always when there is an unexplainable phenomenon, the answer is magic. Where does he get all his toys?

Why Santa has himself some helpers. The idea of Santa’s helper has been immortalized by Victoria’s Secret ever since she decided she wanted to HAVE a secret! For that, the men and lesbians of this world say THANK YOU VICTORIA! AND THANK YOU SECRETS! But the truth is, every guy fantasizes about getting this for Christmas. None of us get it. Why? Because it’s a sweet novelty, but not a reality. But we can dream right?

No, this is not what Santa’s helper or Mrs. Claus looks like. No, no, no, Santa uses elves. Here’s another anomaly to the earth. Santa’s elves looks strangely like the Keebler Elves, however, this is nothing as to what Elves look or act like in every other piece of literature that has ever been written. Where did the idea of these little, midget, hardworking, good doing elves come from? No one knows. Not even Santa.

Every other story ever written about elves describes them as self centered snobs. They’re also pretty as fuck, and generally as tall as, if not taller than a human man. That’s pretty fucking tall if you think about it, because like, Shaq.. he’s fucking really tall. I doubt however, that Elves are taller than Shaq. No one is taller than Shaq.  Elves are also vain. They could spend all day doing nothing but admiring themselves in a mirror. And why not? They’re the prettiest creatures ever created. And they don’t bake cookies or may toys. They are quite good with swords, bows, and magic though, and there is definitely something to be said for that.

So, from vain self centered magical tall, pretty pricks.. to midgets with an affinity for making toys who all are enslaved by a fat man, like they are from China or something. This doesn’t bother you at all?

How does one prepare for Christmas? Well if you’re me, you’re thinking about this guy climbing down your chimney, which is a bad case of breaking and entering. Whether he steals or leaves something, he doesn’t have MY permission to get in my house. And so I’ve taken precautionary measures to keep my home safe.

Fire. I light a fire in the fireplace. I’d like to see that fat fuck drop down on the roaring blaze I plan to set to keep his ass from doing a little bit of B and E on this merriest of days. But he’s magic, right? So that means fire might not stop him. So I have a nice little thing I like to call my Christmas WMD’s.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. cr1ck3e does not abide intruders. No sir.

I’m not Scrooging it up, or Grinching my way through the holidays, I’m just saying, I can’t see reason to spend all my money on people when I know in the end, I’m gonna be pissed because I end up with a bunch of crap I didn’t ask for. Then I gotta figure out where to put said presents, and try and figure out when I’m going to give them away as birthday presents to someone else. This is a dangerous process. Once I regifted something that totally sucked.. and I gave it to the person who gave it to me in the first place. Needless to say, that person and I are no longer acquaintances.

One more thing. Why do we get a Christmas tree? What does a lit up tree have to do with anything? Back in the day, they say, since there was no electricity, they put candles on the trees. Does anyone else see this as a disaster waiting to happen?  No, probably not. This is why so many homes burn down at Christmas time. How’s that for some Yule tide cheer!

The skinny is though, that you get presents. You can worship God, Jesus, or St. Nick. You can see elves, you could get a Santa’s Helper outfit for your loved one. You don’t have to be any religion to participate, and you WILL get the day off from work.

Now just for fun, in an epic battle of awesomeness of Holidays, which Holiday is king? Since Ramadan and Kwanzaa both got the dreaded FAIL icon, they are automatically disqualified. Sorry. That leaves us with Christmas verses Hanukah. Hanukah uses a Menorah, or sweet ass candle holder. And FIRE! Christmas uses a tree. This is an easy with for Hanukah as in a battle of fire verses a tree, a tree NEVER wins. 

Its a straight up fact of life. And the proof is in the pixels, boys and girls. You can see it here. So the advantage goes to Hanukah there. But you never get Hanukah as a paid vacation day. Advantage Christmas. There are also 8 days of Hanukah, not one of them a paid holiday. –8 to Hanukah. You get a present a day for Hanukah, but if you have a generous family, you get a shit load of presents for Christmas. Advantage Christmas! You have to be a Jew to celebrate Hanukah, where as with Christmas, you can be anyone. Even black. (sorry Kwanzaa) Advantage Christmas.

So if I did my math right, Christmas wins by sheer numbers. But, you can still burn down a Christmas tree with a Menorah. And that’s pretty damn snazzy.

New Years

Now that you’re flat broke from buying a bunch of shit for people you do not necessarily like, its time to drink you woes away and usher in the new year. Everyone does this by drinking. Its kind of a weird thought. Here we are thinking, ok this year sucked, next year HAS to be better, RIGHT?! Yet we start the new year the same EVERY YEAR, and its not the best way. With a hangover. How is that kicking off the year with a bang? On a high note, perhaps? 

Maybe a better idea would to not be trashed on the first day of the year. Its my experience that a hangover is not a great day, no matter what day of the year it is. Then again, it is new years after all, and you probably have the day off already. Might as well drink your life away on the last night of the year, and the first morning of the new year. Besides, who really gives a fuck anyways, ya? So then, put your woes to rest, forget that you spent too much at Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah, or Ramadan, and have a good time!

Its the most wonderful time of the year. It even has its own theme songs. So enjoy it if you must, but again, I myself am ignoring this year. Say what you will, but I won’t change my mind. I can however, be persuaded like most people, and there are a couple things I hope to find under my.. um, well I don’t have a tree.. but I do have a chair in my living room. Don’t try climbing down my chimney though, or you’ll be sorry.

The Man.

Greetings my loves, I know its been a fortnight, but I hope you’ve all gotten a good amount of rest and are prepared for the coming month. The holidays are no longer right around the corner, but what IS right around the corner, is an upcoming blog about the holidays. It’ll be fun, adventurous, and carefree. Just like lesbians in college! Hooray! But that’s not for today. Today we’ll discuss, as the topic says, THE MAN. Are you ready for another ocular orgasm? We’d better get started then!

The following is an excerpt from my book. I’ve decided to give you another free dosage of it here today because I’m a super swell guy. Also, I already had the graphic made up. You see the good thing about having a graphic made, is it caters to my laziness, which as you all well know by now, is profound. Hell, I’ve mastered lazy to an art form.

So, that was a nice transitional paragraph to take us to my next point. What is THE MAN. The never wrong Wikipedia defines the man as: “A slang phrase that refers to the government, leaders of large corporations, and other authority figures in general. In addition to its derogatory sense it has also been used as a term of respect and praise.”

I don’t consider the government to be the man. Not today. Why? Because I already did a political blog, and that would just be a repeat. Repeats are not fun. And they’re not a very good time either.

No today, we’re talking about the praise all, awesomeness that is is a fellow that we all know as: THE MAN. Are you the man? Maybe. Maybe not. I honestly don’t know. But chances are likely you are not the man, but you could BE the man, through careful study and guidance of the truth that lies here within.

 

You’re asking yourself, how does cr1ck3e know so much about who is the man and why?  Well the answer to that question is simple: I am The Man. I know, it sounds cocky, but when have I ever mislead you through straight cockiness? That’s right! NEVER! And will today be any different? Nah, I’m sure I can find some great reasons to back me up on this. Besides, this is my blog and I can do what I like. Its like being an evil dictator of a country that has no citizens. In summary: Its fantastic!

Now lets dig in! Who is this man and how can I be like or become him! This is not an easy path to take, friends.. You may start into this maze and never find your way to the center. Some guys are BORN The Man. Some become them, so there is hope for you, even if you’re a sniveling mail boy in a big office building.

Confidence. This is a trait every guy you’ve ever called The Man has. He’s not even a great looking guy, that’s right! We’re not talking about Brad Pitt here, we’re talking about the average guy you know, we’ll call him Chuck. He’s not attractive. He drives a Ford Fiesta, but he has a banging hot chick or three, and every time you see him, you can help but think: What does this tool have? Confidence my friends. It its essential to becoming the man. So, next time you see that fine beauty you wish to conquer, rather than think, “She’s way to pretty for me..” You think instead: “SHE WILL BE MINE!” – Yah, its a little creepy, that’s why you just think it. Don’t think out loud where she can hear you.

Muscles. As you can see from the picture above, muscles are not an essential key to becoming The Man. They don’t hurt, sure, unless you’re so dedicated to getting them that you decide to start juicing. Remember boys, Roids shrink your balls. Muscle isn’t worth having tiny nuts for. No matter how big your muscles are, she won’t thank you for a tiny set of testies.  The most important muscles on your body are the ones that you keep in your pants, remember that. That and your tongue. Sometimes your brain. But mainly the ones in your pants, because you gotta use em else you’ll never be The Man.

A Car. Its true, while you may see your good buddy Chuck get all kinds of action jackson and drive a love bug, the truth is, that is the nicest damn bug you’ve ever seen. Its not impressive, but its clean and its functional. Then he pulls the, “this thing is saving mother earth. I believe in PEWP” card and they are putty in his hands. So while the make and model don’t really matter too much, first thing that does matter is you have one. In a recent poll, 12 out of 10 women say they won’t have sex with a schmo with no ride. This makes that ten speed you got suck. Unless you’re Lance Armstrong, its time to give up the pedal power, and get into something you can pick them up in. No girl wants to pick YOU up for a date, and they don’t want to ride the bus either. This poll excluded New York City, because only arabs and rich fucks have cars there. We’re talking the real world, not NYC. Just thought I’d make that clear. Even Amish chicks put out for wheels. Yes, they are pulled by horses, but a  back seat is a back seat, or if you’re Amish, its called a roll in the hay. 

Hair. Its true! Bald guys get play too. You do not have to have awesome anime-esque hair, or be like Eddietard from Twilight. Oh no, bald guys can be The Man too. This is the greatest thing about the world for bald people. Every notice bald guys normally have awesome beards? Its almost unfair isn’t it? Here I am, with a great head of hair, but if my life depended upon me growing a beard, I’d be dead. The good news is, I can grow hair, because lets face it, I’d look weird bald.

Passion. This is not the same thing as gay feelings. Passion is not a sign of being a sissy lala, its the sign of being The Man. Women look for it, they crave it in their men, and if you don’t have it, you won’t ever be the man. But what is Passion? Dictionary.com defines passion as:

1. Any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire
3. strong sexual desire; lust
4. the object of such a fondness or desire
5. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling
6. VIOLENT ANGER! ROOAARRR!!!!
7. I put in the roar for awesomeness effects

Ok mates, so what’s this mean to you and how does it make you the man?  You can be passionate in the bedroom, yes, this is a plus and will make you The Man. But you need passion in life as well. Take for instance, if you want to put passion into something both enjoyable and useful, do as I do: Jeeps.  You’re welcome. Oh and Football doesn’t really count since girls don’t get how its awesome.

Now, I think before we go any further, I should give you fine example of The Man throughout history. This will help you curve your subpar personality and refine it into that of something greater than you could ever have thought up on your own! Ready for it?! Lets get going!

James Bond

James Bond is The Man. No matter the scenario or adversity he faces, he always finds a way to conquer those opposed to him, and he does it with a cool rugged sense. He likes to drink and he womanizes. Though it is clear that 007 truly loves each and every one of those women in his own way.

He doesn’t drink fruity girl drinks, he drinks martinis. This is pure elegance. He doesn’t talk about his feelings, because the only feeling he really has is determination. He is very passionate about whatever mission he is on, and he is passionate in the bed room. He has great hair, though originally he was a bald man in a toupee. There have been many to portray bond throughout the ages.  All of which were suave and debonair in  a way that very few men could ever become. He’s always dressed to kill and he has the confidence of 15 guys combined. He’s also always got a sweet ass car. He usually trashes it, but he gets a new one next movie. A little known fact is, yours truly was James Bond in one movie. It was one of those weird ones that didn’t have Connory, Moore, or Brosnan. I only played the role once though, as they said I was “Just too damn scary good” for the role, and so I opted out of more movies, so the franchise would continue as “James Bond” and not “cr1ck3e: secret agent” – it was for the betterment of the franchise. I’ve turned down starring in roles about my own spy life, because movies just can’t capture the awesomeness that it was.

George Washington

The original American Badass. The Man. George Washington was actually the first American THE MAN ever in the history of the world. I know, I was there. This guy was so determined, confident and passionate about killing limeys that it was only a matter of time before they tuck tailed and ran away back to England. Notice on his boat crossing the frozen Delaware how fearless he is in the face of old man winter and mother England.   This was after my time as pirate back in the day, so as an able ships captain, you’ll notice me right behind Old G, as I called him. He got to look heroic, I screamed “ROW YOU PANSY BITCHES!!!” Someone has to command the work. This was a good learning experience for me though, to learn to become an American Badass from a guy who had wooden teeth. He was also a soldier, so a little known fact about him is: He could cuss like a motherfucker. Its actually his fault I have such a foul mouth.

Julius Caesar

Another one of my gigs throughout history was hanging around him, I didn’t have to do too much, because he was always taking charge and glory. This helped me learn from one of the greats. He was confident and passionate about conquering the entire globe. No one could stop him, except his bullshit coward friends. I was out of the senate that day, the ides of March. I had matters to attend to in the bedroom with a wonderful Egyptian serving girl. When hanging out with the Emperor you get the scraps, but I was just a lad at the time and I was pleased to just hang and learn. Everyone has to have a mentor at some point, and for me, I feel blessed that I got to learn from one of the worlds true greats. The Man.

The Most Interesting Man in the World

Seriously, this guy is like James Bond times a trazillion. When James grows up, he wants to be this guy. Women want him, men want to be him. Do you know his name? No you don’t. Why? Because you’re not privileged enough. If he told it to you, you’d probably cry eternal tears because his name is music to the ears of even wild savages. He is.. the Most Interesting Man in the World. Need I say more? 

Now you have the keys to becoming The Man. You now know that a good set of hair is not necessary, but is a plus, and you can fake it with a wig. You know that you need to casually be able to drink and be suave about it. You need your car to not necessarily be a posh ride, but be nice regardless of whatever it is. Be passionate, be confident, and you will be The Man. Then your buddy Bill will be like, man, I wish I was more like cr1ck3e. And you can smile on the inside knowing that these steps were not difficult to follow, and that they are so primal and basic that its ridiculous and you never thought they’d work. But they do. Once you’ve become the man, you should have a painting done of you. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about every guy I’ve known in history that I thought, “Wow! This guy is THE MAN!” Its that there is an awesome painting of them. That is why, before attacking Napoleon’s ships with my good friend, Lord Nelson, I had one done up of me. In case I died, I wanted people to check it out in a museum in London and be like, “HE WAS THE MAN!” So, I had it painted. Full dress uniform. Don’t have a uniform of your own? Go get one! Fake it till you make it chumps. And remember…

Stay thirsty my friends.