Vampire Hunter

Vampires have become one of my favorite topics to talk about. Are they real? Of course they are. That’s why there's so many stories about them. Hunting them is also very real, and that’ll be where we find the main focus of this blog. The hunting of very real and SCARY vampires. But we’ll get to that later.

First, I have to tell you. To all the people out there who absolutely would DIE for their Apple computer, I have to make something of an apology.

It occurs to me, that I spend a lot of time ripping on Apple products in my blogs. For this I think I should apologize.

However, I’m not going to.

I stand by the truths which I bring you here, and today I have another revelation about Apple products. Its not so much the product I hate so much.. its the users.

The more I think about it, one of the only things I hate more than then Apple products, is the apple fanbois. Every time I find myself in traffic behind a car with one of those apple stickers on the ass end, I want to ram them. There’s something about the pretentiousness of owning an apple that makes all the retards who support their products so heavily that they are willing to put a sticker on their car that says: “I’m a dick who owns an apple!” Why on earth would you want to put that sticker on your car? First off, I myself refuse to put any sticker on my car. It seems like that would merely deface the awesomeness of my jeep. So much do I hate the addition of stickers that I do not even put a sweet ass Jolly Roger on my Jeep. Why do I need to advertise the fact that I am really a Pirate? I don’t. I let my actions speak louder than words. And so, as an apple owner, you must realize that there is no action you can take to show off your awesomeness, and so you feel the need to put a sticker on your car.

The simple fact is, almost everyone has an ipod, or iphone. Therefore almost everyone is an apple owner. However, for those of us who reluctantly own these over priced products, we’re far more awesome than you, sticker-man, for we do not advertise for that corporation.

I’ve taken my hate to new levels though. Oh yes! This is how my act of piracy shows awesomeness. When I see a car parked with the Apple logo, I try and give them a reminder as to why Piracy is greater than Apples! In the picture here, you can see what I did to the last asshole I saw who advertised his pretentious Fanboi-ism. Owned by Pirates, bitch!

So, in conclusion, its not the product, its the price tag.. and not just the price tag.. Its the sticker loving cockbags who advertise for you. Beware Apple Sticker Show-ers. You could be next.

Before we get to hunting the undead there’s a couple more things that piss me off I wanna talk about first. You see, I went on vacation, and I had time to think. When I think, I discover anger. Its dangerous, which is why I normally just try not to think. Also, I find myself with headaches after too much thinking.

Las Vegas. 

I’ve been there. I’ve even written once about my last trip to Vegas. Upon thinking about Las Vegas, I realized.. I should learn to play Craps. I have no idea how you play this game, but, like you, I see this on the TV, on movies. Its a wonderful event. There’s some guy, he’s looking pimp, and he has beautiful people surrounding him. He’s winning. Big time. He turns to the girl next to him, “Blow my dice, big tits!” Normally, a woman would be offended at such a comment.

Not at a craps table. Smiling like she had just won the Ms. America crown, she blows on his dice and he tosses.. and…

YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! WINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWINWIN!!!!!

I was walking down the street not 3 days ago when I saw this gorgeous woman. I wanted to tell her how amazing she looked. Hell, maybe the Critic would get a date! So I tried to think of a great way to tell her. Then it came to my mind. The Craps table! YES! So, I walked up to her, I smiled, like I was Sean Connory, and I said:

“Hey, Big Tits, blow my dice!”

She slapped me.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But the truth this, I have the luck that most people do when they go to Vegas. Which is to say: none. I go like everyone else, and I smoke 16 packs of cigarettes a day, which I buy from the casino at 10$ a pack, and I play the slots, and I drink for free. But the alcohol does not help my brain. It makes me think that, yes, I am a winner. I am not a winner. The slots are really laughing at you the entire time, you just don’t realize it.

This is why I need to learn to play Craps.

But as I said, I’ve been to Vegas. I’m sure you have too. And the truth is, Vegas is not like the excitement you see on TV and in the movies. There are no beautiful people standing around a hot shooter at the craps table. The real Vegas is much more different, because the beautiful young people are too POOR to blow all their money at the Craps table. They’re by the pool until fuckin Cris Angel has his show come on. Or the Blue Man Group. Or, they’ve already spent all their money on hookers, because no sex is like professional sex. Trust me, I know.

The real Vegas is much different, yes.. It is a bunch of old people sitting around playing video poker and penny slots, chain smoking and eyeballing an entire row of machines. If you try to touch one of their machines, they will likely chop your arm off with a machete. How they snuck a machete into a casino, I don’t know. My guess is that security knows they’re old and only protecting their slots, and will not openly attack people unless provoked. Also, when they have to get up to pee, since their depends is full at the moment, they put a pad lock on the machines. This is not fair or fun. Therefore, the real Vegas…. well it kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

Except for the prostitutes.

Moving on I have one more subject to tackle before we get into the art, finesse, and necessity that is: Vampire Hunting.

I know, I’m taking forever to get to it, know why? CUZ I CAN! I find that most of the things I do in life is for that reason. Its a beautiful way to live. Trust me on this one.

Bluray!

Bluray is awesome. The picture is great, the sound is amazing, and it takes DVD and bends it over a table and rapes it mercilessly all the while cackling evilly into the night! If you do not own a bluray player, you probably should, because if you don’t own one, you just straight suck right? Right. But the benefit of owning a bluray player will bring you to my next point of FUCK OFF!

Because I own a bluray player, I have since bought.. OMG! can you believe this next one… I have bought… BLURAY DISCS! Now, as an owner of said lovelies, I have found one thing about them that pisses me off to no end. It is this:

Every Bluray disc starts with the same advertisement.

“Here.. we…go!” BLURAY OMGOMGOMG ITS SO AWESOME IT’LL EAT YOUR VEGGIES FOR YOU! THE ENTIRE STATE OF NEW JERSEY LOVES BLURAY! YOUR MOM LOVES BLURAY! IF YOU DON’T OWN BLURAY YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL! PRESIDENT OBAMA HATES YOUR NON BLURAY OWNING SILLY SORRY ASS! ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN DVD! HOW MUCH BETTER? DVD SUCKS AND BLURAY DOEEESSNNN’TTT!! SO GET BLURAY TODAYTODAYTODAY!!

Only this advertisement takes about 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Also, you cannot skip through it. If you do not fast forward, you are forced to watch it. This really pisses me off, because.. motherfuckers.. I ALREADY OWN THE PRODUCT! You fucking win ok!? Leave me the fuck alone and stop advertising! Your advertising worked already now SHUT THE FUCK UP! Its the most retarded redundant ad ever in the history of the world, times two. plus infinity. pi.

I can’t fucking stand it, and neither should you. We should not be subjected to bluray advertising.. on a bluray..which I’m watching on my bluray player. Seriously this makes me want to do one thing and one thing only. Burn down the building where this ad was thought up, made, and mass produced.

What I’ve done here is show fine examples of answers to the most popular question I seem to get: Where do you think this shit up?

I don’t think it up, its real life. And the answers are truth. The truth is not some kind of creative thought up ploy to prove a point. The truth is the truth. Simple dimple, bitches.

Now lets talk about vampires and shit woop! are you ready? I’m so ready I can’t hardly hold it! I didn’t hold it! I just peed myself. Thanks a lot for getting me excited. Jerks.

My credentials on vampires. Hmm. Well, I have shown you all that I can read books, especially with my references to the Twilight series of books, and my critique of their poor literary performances. I’ve shown my ability to spot the undead in the form of Zombies, and I have gone to great measures to prepare you all for the undead attack. The simple fact is, the mindless droves of Zombies which will be attacking any day now, cannot be the only undead creature out there, so if you truly wish to survive, you must let your survival instincts take control and force you to read, to learn, and eventually combat against all forms of undead. I myself have slain many vampires, as I follow in the footsteps of the greatness of my predecessors.

Before we get to hunting vampires, I’d like to talk about the realness of vampires.

Vampires are real blood sucking creatures from the black lagoon of the world that are waiting in nearly every shadow to kill you, drink your blood, and take your wallet! That’s right, they are cleptos who steal. What proof of this do I have? Well..

Vampires *can* hold a job. They are very good at doing a job, especially since they have eons to perfect a skill at any job. The problem of aging comes into play. How do you retire at 65 when you still look 20, and you’re really 437 yrs old? You can’t. But it takes money to survive in the world anymore, and therefore, they steal your wallet or purse, because every kill is not only dinner, but pay day. Not a bad gig. 

Can vampires walk in the sun? Most traditional stories say no, but many say yes. The truth is yes, they can. But they are in a devastatingly weak state by doing so. The sun hurts like fuck and so they have to wear sunglasses. This is a point I understand all too well, as I cannot stand the sunlight either, and therefore always wear sunglasses. Even at night. That’s right Corey Hart, you’re not the only one.

Sorry!

 

Anyways, so Vampires are evil, they are creepy crawly and YES they are all ages *in looks* and all over the place. EVEN they can be teenagers, much to my anti-twilight dismay. But, when they are teenage looking, they do not live in places where its cloudy and go to high school over and over again. Take for instance the Lost Boys, which was based on a true story. They didn’t go to school.. FUCK NO! They did what they wanted to, all the time, and what teenager EVER wants to go to school? NONE OF THEM!

Some vampires are weaker than others. Some are goddamn awesome powers of evil incarnate that you wouldn’t want to be near. I mean, anyone can take out a weak vampire, all it takes is the proper weaponry which we’ll get into later. But there are some vampires that take a real hunter to to bring down. These guys know how to avoid being seen, detected, and ultimately, defeated. It takes a true hunter, and possibly an undead hunter to bring them down. These are the kinds of vampires you have to be especially careful of folks.

Be careful when you see a vampire in general, yes, but be more careful when you see one who looks innocent, but has that air about them that says: I could kick your ass at tetris.

Finally though, before we move on to the hunters, remember: Not all vampires are bad. Some of them could be your best friend. So like with thugs, don’t assume they’re all out to kill you, some of them just wanna party, have a good time, and be friendly. And there’s nothing wrong with that. 

I just got through all of that without ripping on Twilight too bad. Are you impressed? Well I’m not. Neither are Apple Fanbois. If there’s one thing we’ve come to expect from me its cookies. If there are two, then it is cookies AND Twilight Hate. And when there is no Twilight Hate, it is replaced with Apple Hate. Sometimes you get both, and then its BIG MONEY NO WHAMMIE!

So, for all you who love Apple. This ones for you. 

Do vampires sparkle? I mean really? Do they?

NO! VAMPIRES DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT!

Weak ones burn in the sunlight, strong ones are weak in it. Its fact. There are lots of things that sparkle in the sunlight though. Like Jewelry. Diamonds. A clean pretty car. The ocean sparkles in the bright sun too. 

And here is another thing for you: Faggots covered in glitter sparkle in the sunlight. Notice the resemblance between this fag covered in glitter and Edward? THEY BOTH SPARKLE!

Conclusion: Only inanimate objects and faggots covered in glitter sparkle the sun. Fact.

Hunters

There have been many great hunters before me. Many! Its time to pay them a bit of homage, yes? Lets do it then!

Buffy

She was not only a fierce and awesome slayer of vampires, but she was also sexy as fuck while she did it. So important was her slaying that a movie and TV show was made honoring her works. There are no real photos of Buffy out there, but it is said that Sarah Michelle Geller was cast in the show because she was “An exact twin” says one source.

Van Helsing

He was not only a professor of medicine, but also a notorious vampire hunter. Truth be told, he did not kill many vampires. Only a handful, and the most IMPORTANT of all vampires: Count Dracula.

Someone had to kill that ageless bastard who was terrorizing Transylvania, and Arthur Van Helsing was just the right man for the job.

Blade

This guy was/is half vampire himself. This helps him a great deal, because to defeat the greatest of immortal enemies, being half immortal doesn’t hurt your chances for victory, does it? He is a badass of epic proportions, which is why the role in the documentary about him was played by Wesley Snipes. They needed a black badass, and there’s no black badass quite as badasstastic as Wesley Snipes. He’s so fucking tough he said FUCK YOU AMERICA! And didn’t pay taxes. Now he’s a bitch to a bigger black badass. Poor Snipes.

Abraham Lincoln

Wait what? I bet your confused now! That’s right, our darling 16th president, who freed the slaves and won the civil war single handedly was one of the most deadly hunters of vampires the world has ever seen. And there is information to back it, a book written, finally, the true untold story of our beloved president. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I’ve read it, and now I’m going to tell you about it. Its important stuff, so its good for you to know.

This educational tutorial into the truth of one of the most pivotal presidents in American history is a must read. It’s a fairly easy read and it’s relatively short.  Here’s why it took me a while: I researched and cross referenced everything while I read this book, so in addition to the book, I read three times as much in history, to get the story, and the author who took most of this book directly from the diary of Abe Lincoln, also filled in the rest of the information for the reader with fact. I’ve done all the researching, and seriously, he didn’t make up the events that happened. Its impressive. Needless to say, I was shocked.

The story tells of of Abe’s life, starting as a young lad, his distaste for taking life, and his sorrow at seeing slaves being taken to auction. But it was when Abe’s dear mother was killed by a vampire, because of his fathers careless unpaid debts, that our hero took it upon himself, to rid the United States of America of all vampires. He was going to need some help though, and throughout his life, he found help when he needed it.

As you can see from the cover photograph of this book, which is an actual photo of Abe, he was very fond of his foresting axe. He didn’t use a plethora of weapons to assist him in his annihilation of vampires, but he did use useful weapons. And his axe was one.  In truth, it was his weapon of choice. This is why you see Abe wearing a long coat in nearly every photograph of him, for he never left home without his trust companion. Also, what you didn’t see hidden in that long coat of his were one of the most important of vampire hunting weapons. Stakes. As we all know, a stake through the heart is almost a guaranteed kill of a vampire. But, Abe was thorough, and he would also chop of the head. This made him a great man. This untold story is not embellished with all kinds of flowery writing. Its straight forwards and direct. When he killed, he did it quickly, it was not some goddamned 5 hour epic battle. It was stake, chop, leave and go home.  The  book has many captivating pictures of Abe in various stages of his life, and in many of them you can see just how close vampire assassins were to Abe at all times. This book is a must read for vampire lovers, and history buffs, and ANY American who wants to know more about history of their country. Go get it. NOW! 

I am not usually a fan of nonfiction, but this book is a rare exception. It has all the elements of truth to make it a masterpiece even if it is all straight fact. My grade is thus an easy A+

Throughout this book you will also read about the techniques used by Abe in his quest to conquer evil, and take them to heart, for there are too many to write here, and I don’t want to ruin the story for you. Be sure to put it at the top of your reading list, because the war against the undead is never over, and only the strong, and prepared will survive.