Tracing the Worlds Problems.

Today we trace all the worlds problems. Racisim, hatred, murder, rape.. oh, it can all be traced to one place too. That's right! No, that place is not Arkansas. That place is none other than your teleivision set. You see, all these things which you know to be bad, you learned as a kid. You saw them right in front of your eyes and you had no idea. You were being brainwashed. BUT! There is good news! Ohho, yes there is. And what is the good news? I shall tell you, and it is this:

If you have not done any or all of the following:

1. Rape
   
2. Murder
   
3. Violence towards others
   
4. Become a sacrastic asshat who is generally mean to others

Congratulations! You're one of the lucky few who have escaped the mind warping, and you recognize these things as being "bad" - and so, I salute you, saviors of mankind! Now, for the rest of us who are impure, immoral, and generally speaking.. fun.. Wouldn't you like to know where you learned all this? Of course you would, let me tell you.

Thats right, bitches. Looney Tunes. Thanks to the kind people at the WB, we're screwed up from childhood, and theres a lot we need to cover, but before we do:

Now you're thinking: Ok cr1ck3e, we get it.. you were a dj, you made badass mix tapes. You watch movies and don't psychoanalize them like a douchebag, but what can possibly make you an expert on the subject here? Well, the answer is clear. As a child I watched these cartoons, just like many of you did, only I saw in them, the subliminal messages. I kept a journal, a diary if you will. I also received many beatings from bullies because I had a diary. That doesn't matter. What matters is, I saw these death sentences written by the false idol following, cow worshiping, heathen devil pagans, also known as The WB. And Because of my prophet like clear vision, I'm going to bring you to salvation, and you will thank me for it. Let's go!

Now, where should I start? Ahh yes, we'll start with one that I personally am quite familiar with. This one, if there are 7 deadly sins, is not as deadly as assault with a deadly weapon. This one is the generally being an asshole that no one likes, to this we thank one guy.. you guessed it.

Bugs Bunny
That's right kids, this iconic bastard has taught you bad habbits from day one. First off, he is always playing with his food. Do you remember how many times mom smacked the hell outta you for that? It's bullshit that he gets away with it his whole life! Furthermore, he chews with his mouth open, oftentimes spitting food everywhere. Now, all that said, lets face the facts, if you could get away with it, you'd do it too. Don't deny it.

This guy is one of the biggest jerks int he history of the world. He laughs in the face of adversity, he has no regard for anyone but himself. He is a world class asshole. This also makes him awesome.

This titan of teleision is also where males lost all ability to have any chance at ever having a sense of direction. He's always lost, and he always blames it on New Mexico. Now, I don't know about you, but I've been to New Mexico. It sucks, I'd blame it too. Now that you've seen how this iconic figure has screwed us from the early stages of our lives, lets move on to:

Speedy Gonzalez

Alright. You now see where racism was invented. It was this little mouse that made us thing from a far too early age, that we must hate minorities. If you're already a minority, then this cartoon taught you to hate OTHER minorities. Its a statistical fact. But its not your fault, and now that you're seeing the signs, you can learn to live in harmony, ebony and ivory. Speedy Gonzalez was a fucking thief. Thats not cool. There's nothing worse than having some bastard steal your shit. Like your cheese. Cheese rules, so it's understandable that someone might want to steal it, but if he wasn't a lazy bastard, he'd just get a job like the rest of us and buy his own Goddamned cheese. But nonono, he has to steal, which makes us think that they're all out to steal stuff from us. A lot of what you hear in the media today talks about hispanics "stealing" jobs. Well Chuckles, like it or not, but much like speedy, these workers will work faster than you, and they'll do it for free. Or for cheese. So thank you WB, you taught us how to hate. Moving on.

Porky Pig

That's right, this bumbling baffoon is really a criminal mastermind. You laugh at the blebleblebleblebley-That's All Folks!! But its just a cover for how dangerous this motherfucker really is. Ok first off, this guy has taught the youth of America that obesity is acceptable. Its not acceptable you fat tub of lard. You know, I went to a fine establishment earlier this year. Disney World. They have these things you can rent at DW- its a motorized scooter for fat people. These people do not need a scooter. They need exercise. I'm sorry, I don't mean to bash on the unskinny bopbop, but it's not happening. Ever. I think someday I'll start my own scooter business. Scooters for obesity. And when you order your $800 scooter (plus shipping and handling, of course) I will ship you a scooter that will transform you and your entire life.. Because instead of a scooter for your fat ass, I'm going to send you a treadmill. That's me giving back. Trying to make the world a better place. Now, besides the fact that Porky is a fat slob, theres one thing that really bothers me about him and that is his sexual immorality and impurity. Its obvious. This bastard has no pants. Fuck him.

Wish I could run around without pants...

Pepe Le Pew

Or as I like to call him: The French Rapist. Seriously, this guy is whacked out of his mind. This is why men have no skills ladies. This is why we think of nothing but sex. Its WB's fault. It's Pepe's fault. Look, that damn cat wanted nothing more than to get away, but he would always take the pussy! This picture here illustrates it perfectly. You can see his undying passion, love, and desire. And you can see her fear, her desperate calls for help, her NO! (no means no, goddamn it!) Trying, with all her might and everything she is, to get away, and he will not let go. He's also a potty mouth, always calling her "mah pewssseehh" That bastard! Who the hell does he think he is! He is the reason men don't respect women! Well, him and Hillary Swank. Fuck her and the ugly pony she rode in on. Not even Pepe would get on that ass.

I'm going to bombard you with this next one. Violence. Its the WB's fault too. All violence stems from Loony Tunes. Lets take and indepth look at violence, shall we?

Lets start with the Fudd. This guy spends every damn show trying to KILL Bugs Bunny. Now, I admit, Bugs is an asshole, but kids listen to me when I tell you this, because it's very important. Someone being an asshole IS NOT A GOOD REASON TO KILL THEM! Now, if they try and cockblock you on a hot chick, gun em down. Seriously. So you have Fudd, who by all practical means, is as big of a cocksmack as the Bunny, he's also gotta creepy laugh. "huhuhuhuhuhuhhuh" -- that's not right. As if we need the youth of the planet getting any creepier than they are. And if you don't think the youth of the world is creepy, I challenge that opinion with fact: Emo.

Gotcha on that one, huh? So anyways, this jerk is hunting the other jerk who always out smarts out gun toating (texan) hero. Idunno though, maybe if he just killed him, there'd be no more reason to have to listen to either one of these assholes.

Up next, the classic tale of I'm Gonna Kill Yo Ass!! brought to you through Wiley Coyote and that damnable Road Runner. First off, its no wonder this dog wants to kill the bird. His scrawny as hell, I mean this dog is skinnier than me, and that's scary. Secondly, this bird is also a dickwad. Always sticking his tongue out and stuff, thats just straight rude. So this poor hungry bastard tried an unlimited amount of things to kill this bird, all of which is brought and bought by a wicked line of credit through the ACME store. Ultimatly, he fails repeatedly and has to spend another day hungry, but that didn't stop him from exceeding any normal amount of violence needed to kill one damn bird. Here's what I wanna know though, how come he keeps ordering all this shit from ACME- rockets, anvils, pianos, etc.. why instead does he not just order a pizza? Not many brains on that one. Idiot.

Our final example of violence in Loony Tunes is the age old game of cat and mouse. Litterally. Here you have Tom and Jerry. These two bastards want nothing more than to kill each other into next century. Tom (the cat) tries everything he can to kill this damn mouse, and I don't blame him. First off, Jerry is an asshole. He's always picking on Tom, stealing stuff, taking his food, and all in all, ruining his life. Secondly, hes a filthy plague carrying rat. KILL THAT BASTARD. Seriously, I really hate mice, they are not cute, cuddley and awesome. They are filthy disgusting creatures, and I honestly believe the world would be a better place without them. So needless to say, I was always cheering for Tom, that poor bastard. They did everything though, guns, as you see in the picture, bombs, bats.. These two are the ORIGINAL Weapons of Mass Destruction. After watching just half of an episode of this show, you know your mom always had to come pry you off of your brother. You'd see him and you'd punch him so hard he fell, then you ground and pounded his ass into minced meat.. blood pouring out of his eyes, ears and mouth.. you really kicked his ass. Now if you'd paid attention to the cartoon, you would exploded him with dynomite or something. Thus this cartoon explians why crime is always on the rise.

Now you understand, and you can resist your urges that were brought on to you by Saturday Morning Mindcontrol. Out of the wilderness we've come to society, and I've open your eyes. Now theres one thing I want to leave you with so you understand. It won't take anytime to show you. Look, its like this. As I said, rats are evil. If you've been payting attention, you'll notice that WB loves rodents. Speedy = Rat; Jerry = Rat; Bugs = Rat with a poofy tail.

This is how evil Warner Bros. really is. Safeguard your lives. And if you're thinking that rats aren't evil, this last piece of education will shock you. I see things truthfully, you're blinded by your false preceptions. In the case of rats, here is is:

Thank you.

Boondock Saints 2 Review

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The Top 5 Greatest Rock Songs. Of All Time.

As you can see, the title says everything. Of all time. That's an amazing feat. Most bands can't even claim they had the best song for a week. In order to give you this list, I took many steps in preparing it. First off, I thought it up. Secondly, I thought some more on it. Then, I debated with a few of my personalities, of which I'm proud to say, I won. Those bastards never had a chance in beating me anyways though we thought we sure did didn't we? Oh yes. Back to business.


What makes a great rock song? First off, there is no rapping in it. That is the most key important element to a fantastical rock song: No rap. I'm sorry Eminem. Through this educational tutorial, I will teach you what else you want to look for, so lets get started.


Now, you may be thinking, who is this fellow, and why does he think he has the right to tell me what the best rock songs of all time are? So lets get this out of the way.








As a child, and even young adult, I made many, many mix tapes. Now you're telling yourself, "Hey so did I!" But let me tell you this: My mix tapes didn't suck. Don't say that, no, you know they did.. agree.. Agree now.. Thank you. Now that we agree that your mix tapes sucked and mine were totally excellent, much like a ham and cheese sandwich, we can move on. As an older, but still young adult, I started to burn CD's. I've been burning CD's since about 1999. Yes I still do it. No, I don't know why. I also have a neat gadget which, I'm sure someday will catch on and become mainstream. This gadget is called an "ipod" - Don't ask me to explain to you what it is, its too hard to do. But someday, you'll hear about them, and you'll lift your eyes to the heaven's, your arms will reach upward with glory, tears will stream down your cheeks and you will scream; "YES! Thank you cr1ck3e! You told me one day I would understand, I DO UNDERSTAND NOW! You are a prophet!" And I, having never heard you, will continue to watch some mindless show on television. Next, we have my stint as a radio disc jockey. Oh yes, I do have real credentials, how do you like that? As part of the greatest on air show of all time, "The Great White Shaft and Crickey Show" -- I found myself immersed in the world of music. So much furtherly deeply immersed.ed.ly.. than the average person will ever become, this is where I honed my skill from amature to professional status. Since being fired for encouraging people to open their car doors and hit the drunk people walking, I have created a music library that will rival anyone's on this earth. It is small but mighty. 15 gigs is all, but 15 mighty ass gigs, nonetheless. Finally, I am a redblooded American, and that gives me the God given right to impose my will and opinion on you no matter what you say or do, or if your like it or not. Translation: I'm right.. If you disagree, someone will show up at your house and shove a pineapple up your ass. Seriously. No, its not going to be me. That's just gross.


Now, lets talk turkey.




Number 5.


To be in the top 5 is an honor. Its like all those fake lying celebs always say, "It's and Honor to be considered!" Well, this is different. First off, its no bullshit, and secondly, you're in the top fuckin five. So, I say to you, the number 5 best rock song of all time: Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood.



That's right, this song just straight kicks ass. Now, I love this band too, but this is by far not my most favorite song by them, therefore illustrating to you, the reader, that I am not bias. Rock music talks abouts many things over the years. War, sex, drugs, rock'n'roll, women, violence, being a badass, love (awww), social angst, hate for the government, etc. You get the idea. This song definitely idolizes what rock is about. This is one of those songs when it comes on the radio, if you don't crank the volume to ear shattering decibels, you're not only an idiot, but you also suck. Dr. Feelgood should be listened to so loudly that your ears are bleeding to Vince's singing. And, if you don't feel good after hearing Dr. Feelgood, you might want to get checked. You prolly have something, and lets hope its not contagious.














Number 4.

Now that we've discussed the Drugs portion of the rocknroll, we now explore a more packaged deal. This one talks a bit about drugs, but it also talks about violence, and, well, everything else that's wonderful in the world. Rock just loves you like that. This song comes from the Guns n Roses collection, and it is: Welcome to the Jungle.


That's right, no matter how big of a douche bag Axel Rose really is, you cannot deny the ultimate badassness of this song. There's screaming, there's violence, and int he music video, Axel has big hair. There's moaning, (thats sex), Money, and shanananananananananananeeeez. This song is total domination from start to finish, and Slash is an miracle worker when it comes to the guitar. So, thank you Axel, for this song, thank you Slash. We'll not talk about Chinese Democracy or any Velvet Revolver. Today, you are a star again boys, live it up.













Number 3.


Here we are. The hump song of the list. This song delves deeper into the violence, but it will also teach you a history lesson, and if you pay attention, you'll cry. Your heart will die listening to the lyrics, but the pumping of the drums and that badass guitar solo will shock your heart so damn hard it will start beating again and then you can raise your fist in the air, proudly salute with the devil horns, and give it up for Iron Maiden and their song: Run to the Hills

From the first kicks on the drum by Nicko McBrain, to Dave Murray's screaming guitar solo, and Bruce Dickinson's just straight screaming, this song is a kick to your teeth that makes you stand up, bleeding from the face, and say thank you! This song when it comes on the radio, if you don't crank it, and you don't scream every word along with it, check your pulse, because you're probably dead.









Number 2.

We're getting close, but we're not quite there yet, so don't abandon me. I'd be nothing without you. I'm sorry. I love you, please stay.



Wait.


Number two is a song that when you hear it, and when you really listen to it, you die on the inside because of how sad and fucked up it really is. Now, lets talk about the amazing thing about this song: It came from an album that was blasted with success. Every song on the album was fucking awesome, and it launched a band, a city, and a culture. So, our number 2 all time greatest rock song comes from Seattle's own: Pearl Jam. The song: Alive.


I'll tell you what makes you die on the inside with this song, its the fact that this album was just SO GOOD and every thing Pearl Jam ever did after it sucked such heinous ball sacks its not even funny. It's an anomaly, an enigma, and its incredible. Eddie Vedder's crooning is glorious, Stone Gossard's guitar work is brilliant, and Mike McCreedey's solo is one of the most epic guitar solo's of all time. The Drum work is good too, but lets face it, Pearl Jam has changed drummers more times than I've changed my underwear. And that's a lot. Seattle and the grunge scene launched on the legs of a few bands, and this was one of them. Pearl Jam is still alive, but they've never been as great as they were the moment they laid down this track.









Number 1.



Here we are at the finish line and we've covered a lot of great music. 4 songs, actually which isn't that much, and there's so many band I'd like to thank for making this list possible. Well, 5 really. Perhaps we'll explore the next 5, to round out the top 10. That's for another day. Now, lest we forget to mention them, it is time for our number one greatest rock song of all time. I will say this though, that it took me the better part of 3 weeks to decide. I'm glad I've picked who I did. They aren't my favorite band. This is not my favorite song of theirs, but it stands alone atop of the mountain, it is peerless in its brilliance and glory. The song is will take you away from the world, it is Stairway to Heaven, and it is by none other than Led Zeppelin.



The song starts over very slowly, makes you think of a pretty spring day or some such nonsense. Little do you know the badassness that will follow. But this sets it up as the greatest song, and I will tell you why. Robert Plant croons to the slow melody. He says words that rhyme and really mean freaking nothing, no matter what you say. Ask anyone in the band, they'll say: "We have no clue, we were high."


That doesn't matter.


This was the number 1 requested song of the 1970's on FM Radio. (As per the never wrong Wikipedia) (thats right, I wiki shit too, I wanted to give you a really awesome factoid that'd blow your mind) (you're welcome)


After some time into the song, you'll hear Jimmy Page rip one of, if not the greatest guitar solo of all time. This solo was so good that you aren't even allowed to imitate it in stores on a guitar. Its true, I saw it in Wayne's World. Then after the solo, its more upbeat, its faster, and Plant lets it go and screams his skinny ass off. Goddamn this is such a great song. So lets check it over again. Screaming, guitar wailing, crooning, slow playing, beautiful band synchronization. Finally, the biggest cue to it all is this: There's a section if you play it backwards the song talks about Satan. We all know the lord of the underworld has his hands in rock musics ability to corrupt the youth of the world. Seriously, play it backwards, in fact, you don't even have to bust out your dad's old record player to do it, Albino Blacksheep has done the work for you:



http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/stairway



The band denied it but whatever. So, apparently, Jimmy Page's fingers wrote the song, not his brain, and the words leapt to Plant to write the lyrics to it, its was musical genius, it is talent in its purest form, and it is the


BEST ROCK SONG OF ALL TIME.


Thank you.