The Ugliest Female Celebrity 2013

It’s that time of year again, bitches. Time where the critic puts you to the test to decide who is the ugliest female celebrity. You decide, you pick em. You vote em, I blog em. It’s a lovely thing where you give to me and I give it back like we are consenting adults in a fantastic orgy of awesomeness. So lets get down to business.

This isn’t my first rodeo, and its not yours either. We’ve been running this gambit since 2010 and it just keeps getting better. Some of the faces you know, some you’ve seen before. None, however, have ever won. Every year after every winner we crown, we then retire them. Why? Because it would be no contest for Hillary Swank. Year after year, that chick just continues to prove how heinously ugly she is. So since we’ve done this before, we know our credentials are sound.

Every year I try and change things up a bit. Because, well, lets face it… if we didn’t, things would just get fucking dull and boring. And if there is one thing we do not abide by here at the critic, its dull and boring. So this year’s voting was done in a new way. Rather than poll everyone I could on the The Critic's Facebook Page – This year I only asked a select few. These are the die hard loyal fans of the critic. I know, you’re saying right now, “But critic, I am a die hard loyal fan!” And that may be true, but these fans have done more than you. They’ve engaged me over and over again in intercourse conversation- and therefore I chose them as our voters. I like to call them:

Like a fine wine, these motherfuckers have meticulously picked apart our agonizing list of uglies to help bring you the truth in their own fashion. How is that like a fine wine? Well, its not. But to look at that many ugly girls it takes a lot of alcohol and a fine wine can help you get through the agonizing selection process. It’s a stretch, I know, so fuck you, that’s why.

Before we get any further, Let’s rehash the past a little bit and say goodbye to the former queens of the past, shall we?

2010 Winner:

Hillary Swank

The chick who is so ugly she successfully convinced the world she was really a boy in a movie. And an ugly boy at that. She’d win every year if she were still in the race, so this retired Queen sits atop her throne with hideous elegance.

2011 Winner:

Donatella Versace

A celebrity in her own mind, but a queen bee of ugly in the minds of everyone else. This fashionista proved that designer clothes do not make someone better as she overwhelmingly defeated the competition to the top of our list.

2012 Winner:

Sarah Jessica Parker

Her rise to the top was a turbulant one. From a high showing to not making the list the following year due to late entry, this Queen of the Ponies finally made her reign known to the world when she finally topped our list last year. Her four legged centaur like Queenship comes to an end, and we bid her the fuck farewell this year. Saying goodbye isn’t always easy, but in this case it certainly is.

Before we continue to the list, I’d like to address the fact that I do in fact realize that if you’re like me, you know that this list is a month late. Typically we launch this list every July. Why July? Because I fucking said so. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. This year we’re running late because, as I stated in my last blog, everything is a month behind since I moved out of my tree house and into a yurt. Once shit gets behind, it just gets behind. Deal with it bitches. I still give you the goods.

And now, lets not delay the hideous awfulness anymore. It’s officially time for:

In a world where every magazine, news station, and idiot celebrates the awesome beauty of the ladies of Hollywood, we’re here to tear that shit down. Sorry bitches, but we all can’t praise you for no particularly good reason.

Miley Cyrus

That’s right, I finally gave in. This chick has been mentioned every year and every year I tell you.. not on my fucking watch! I’ve defended her relentlessly, but NO MORE! Eventually you just have to give the people what they want and that’s what I’ve done this year.

There are a couple reasons she made the list though, which I think are noteworthy. Firstly, she’s fucking retarded. So if you want to base this shit off of “ugly on the inside” – here you go. This ones for you. Also, I find it ironic that this year she was named the sexiest girl alive by Maxim.

Dear Maxim,

You got it wrong.

-critic.

Yeah, firstly, how did they get it wrong? Well lets look at her mouth. She might look good with a dick in it, but seeing as how you’ll never know.. all we can say is.. the bitch has too many teeth. Her mouth looks like its straight out of criters.

Secondly, she’s not the curviest girl in the world, and therefore with her hair cut she looks like another ugly female celebrity: Justin Beiber. They both must have planned this godforsaken haircut after watching VH1’s where are they now, because both of these idiots adopted their style from another idiot long before their time. Vanilla Ice. Yeah, the style died out like 20 years ago for a reason, kids. Let it stay dead.

Amanda Bynes

This one really is for you fucks who say, “Beauty comes from within” and all that bullshit. Let me tell you something about that, my mom always used to say “beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone” And that’s the real truth. But this chick used to be pretty, and seeing as how this year we’re only using somewhat “relevant” celebs, this year she fits the bill. You have a successful pretty girl who in her prime of her career pulls a Charlie Sheen and goes off the fucking deep end. Chick’s got issues, its true. She’s fucked up. But the ugly within part is true too. Saying shit on twitter like “I’m only friends with hot people” – Good news bitch, we’ll be friends someday when you descend into hell where you’ll burn for eternity. The same hell which I will inherit once I die. Because as we all know, Satan is just waiting for me to show up so he can retire.

Furthermore, bitch, you’re not that hot anymore. The drugs, the donuts, man, you let your shit go. And it’s a goddamned shame. Because she was hot at one point in time, and she just .. isn’t anymore. Poor bitch, your ugliness straight from the bone came out and took over your skin. Welcome to the list, whore.

Susan Sarandon

This isn’t the first time poor Suzy has made the list. 2 years ago she made the list as an honorable mention. As we discussed then, she’s always looked 65 even when she was 25. But for a twenty five year old, she looked like a damn find sixty five year old. I’ve noticed something about this pinko commie cunt, and that’s the older she gets, the bigger her tits get. Unfortunately, the more gravity has taken effect on them. Sorry, Suze, but the reality is, you’re too fucking old to dress like Britney Spears. You never quite had the best of goods, but you really don’t have them now.

I fear the day that this senior citizen decides to do a full frontal scene just to make us all want to burn our retinas out. On that day, I may have to take a rusty spoon and dig out my own eyeballs.

There’s nothing worse than an ugly chick who acts like she's hot. EXCEPT an OLD ugly chick who acts like she's young and hot. Awful. Simply awful. And I’m a tit man too.

I couldn’t do it, not even for the money.

Kristen Stewart

Kristen is a continual visitor of this list. Thus proving that she hasn’t done anything to change her hideous looks. I myself would vote her the ugliest celebrity out there, but my vote doesn’t rule this blog. This one time a year I don’t get to play dictator. I was watching HBO not long ago and the movie “Snow White and the Huntsman” came on. I saw this movie in the theatre. It was…ok. Just ok. If you cut about 2 hours out of it, then its better. Those two hours of worthless in the middle, yeah, those are good for a nap. But the one thing that really bothers me about this movie is I’m watching Charlize Theron repeatedly say “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all” and the mirror says,

SNOW WHITE, BITCH!

Who is played by Kristen Stewart. And every time I hear that, I think, NOPE! NOOOOOOPPPPPEEEE!!! First off, lets say you disagree with me and you’re like, ‘oh critic, K-Stew isn’t ugly!’ ok, lets say for just a minute that you’re right and I’m wrong and that she is in fact pretty. (for the record, I am not wrong, you are, she’s ugly) But for fun, in this make believe world where she is pretty, SHE STILL IS NOT AS PRETTY AS CHARLIZE THERON. No way, no how. Even the scene where Charlize is dying (coincidentally I am crying) She is STILL prettier than Kristen Stewart.

Not to mention the bitch can’t act. Seriously, I’ve seen pieces of cardboard that have more personality than her. I saw on youporn’s celebrity section that had some movie where Kristen showed her tits. I don’t remember the movie, go to Mr.Skins.  - she shows her tits, and I looked, I won’t lie. Bad news though. Even with a shirt off.. she’s still not attractive. You have to be seriously ugly as a woman to not make this guy here pop wood when he sees your tits. Shit, a light breeze can make me pop wood.

She’s that bad.

Madonna

This bitch is not only ugly, but she makes me angry. This is a chick who was once upon a time, a pretty woman. And a whore. But a pretty whore.

I FUCKING LOVE PRETTY WHORES

They’re like the bread and butter of my sex life. Easy girls who are pretty are the best. The very best in the world. Madonna was the perfect example. Pretty. Successful. Whore. Fortunately for me, I never had sex with Madonna, and I wouldn’t now, of that you can be sure. Her vagina is so used and worn out, I’d fall in. God knows what you’d find down there too.

Its so far stretched out and massive that it actually has its own zip code. It did have its own area code till the guy that fell in finally died of old age.

Because lets face it, not only has she gotten hideous, but Madonna has gotten OLD. Jesus, she has gotten old. She’s not as old as some things. Like for instance: dirt. Dirt is older than Madonna. Fire. Fire is also older than Madonna. But the pyramids are actually 6 years younger than her. Her vagina is actually older than fire, but not dirt.

Man, it just makes me so mad that this bitch didn’t take care of her shit and she got ugly. Its like adding insult to injury. How ugly is she? Well, anymore she looks like Skeletor is trying on a skin suit. That pretty much sums it up.

Toni Collette

Poor Toni. As you can see here, this chick like every other one on the list thus far, can have a good picture taken of her. Have you noticed a trend here? Yeah, we’re showing you the magic of airbrush versus the reality of ugly. Pretty rad huh? Yeah, I fucking said rad. Let that one soak in.

Toni could have been a pretty girl if not for her dog face. The reality is she’s the kind of girl who looks ‘Ok’ at best when her make up is professionally done. Did you see her TV show? The United States of Tara? It was ok. In this show, she played someone with multiple personality disorder. This is where the cooky entertainment came from. One of the characters was a guy named buck. Basically she wore no makeup when she was Buck. This is the proof that you need.

This chick is really ugly enough to be a dude. No, not some pretty dood like Prince or Jude Law when he had hair. No, she was not just a dude but an UGLY dewd. Poor bitch. She is a helluvan actress, I gotta give it to her. But sometimes talent can’t out weigh looks. And her looks are deplorable on an epic level. Woof-woof, Toni. Love you, but I wouldn’t touch you if you were my only option for pussy.

Lady Gaga

Here’s a bitch who gets noticed every year. From honorable mention all the way up to second place, but our constant bridesmaid has not had the stock to jump to the top of the list. However, her stock did rise a little bit this year as she has moved up one slot from fifth place to fourth. This chick just can’t catch a break. Know what it is about her? She’s like a female version of KISS.

She can be best described as weird. Just simply weird.

But you know what really annoys the piss out of me about this chick? She’s really not all that ugly, per say. She’s ugly because she does it to her fucking self. She tries to make herself ugly. I should applaud her for this. And I do. However, the viewers, the readers, and the critic’s private reserve has continually disagreed with this sentiment and she continues to be called ugly. But why is she ugly? Because she does it to herself.

There’s no other explanation. This is a chick who tries to be ugly. Like a modern day Courtney Love or something. Except Courtney did it with drugs. And it was the 90s. Shit was weirder in the 90s.

Gaga, its not the 90s. And no one finds your shit attractive. You know you have it in you to be continually airbrushed, fucking DO IT. It worked for Britney Spears, it can work for you. Seriously girl. Try. Just try. Nothing is more ugly than a woman who doesn’t even try. So ladies, if you’re not trying with your guy or with the guy you’re trying to make yours… get a fucking clue.

Oprah

Oprah is a rare exception on our list this year. She’s been an honorable mention before and I’ve avoided saying too much about her because she has more money than the rest of the world combined (sorry Bill Gates) and under advisement from my lawyer, I’ve avoided her like like the plague. BUT NO MORE!

Goddamn this is one ugly bitch! And she not only owns 13987423498723 houses, and a tv network, but now she has the number one movie in America too. That’s right, this ugly lady from the abyss continues her quest of world domination by breaking into cinema. Note to self, don’t watch that movie. Ever. In the history of the world. Times infinity. Pi.

Here’s the crazy thing about her though, most of the ladies on this list have looked good in their lives AT LEAST once. Not the big O. Not even with the help of all the airbrushing and photoshopping in the world can this lady look good. In fact, with airbrushing you not only see just how ugly she is, but you see the true evil that courses through out her entire being. That’s all I’m gonna say about her.

I wouldn’t fuck her with Kicking People in the Taco's dick.

Nicki Minaj

Up 2 spots form number 4 last year, Nicki continues to make her climb. She fell short this year by two points. What points you ask? Of the people polled, I gave them the list and they numbered them 1-10. Then after all of the Reserve voted, I added each number for each lady thing and took the scores GOLF RULES. So lets mock this, Oprah may have gotten 2 2’s 5 8’s and 1 1, but her tally was the third lowest. Therefore she came in third, and Nicki has come in second. That’s right bitches, I used some science and MATH to do this blog. You should be impressed that I put this much effort out there for you. Send brownies. But Nicki is another entry much like Lady Gaga. She purposely TRIES to look like shit. I mean, seriously, I find it hard to believe that she would try to be as ugly as she is, but she does. What’s worse is, underneath all that bad make up, awful clothes, and shitty hair.. there’s really a truly ugly girl. At least Gaga has a minor, very minor semblance of a decent looking human under all the weirdness. Not Nicki. What’s under it all?

Mrs. Potato Head.

Seriously. I suppose the gimmick of making ones self uglier works when you are truly naturally ugly kinda works.  Because everyone assumes there’s really a human being under all the nastiness. But with Nicki, there really isn’t. Though she may try to look pretty with photoshop and airbrush, there’s really no helping her.

If you like her music, you could say the one saving grace is the fact that no one makes music videos anymore so you never have to actually SEE her. But that’s a stretch. Even her voice sounds ugly if you ask me.

 

 

Whoopi Goldberg

Shocked? Well you shouldn’t be. Is she a celebrity? Fuck yeah. Loved her ass on Star Trek, and Captain Planet when I was a kid, but even then there was no hiding how hideous this chick really is. Her standup was great back in the day. Truly great. But now what does she do? The View.

FUCK THAT SHOW

Have you seen it? Of course you have. Basically its just old ugly bitches sitting around discussing their personal opinions like most celebrities do. Only, they preach that shit to you. They preach it like it’s the gospel of the Lord and you’d better listen, you’d better agree. Why? Because if you don’t you’re a false idol following, cow worshiping, heath devil pagan.

God forbid you should have a fucking opinion in your head that matters. No, Whoopi is as bad as they come. She’s never been attractive, but her ugly insides show true on the view as she pecker slaps you repeatedly with her worthless opinion.

Man Code #4932671B: Only give a shit about a woman’s opinion if A. She’s your source of getting laid. 2. She’s hot.

Whoopi is neither. So her ugly ass can take her over inflated View of herself and shove it up Barbara Walters ass.

You earned this Whoopi. As much from your attitude as your looks.

The people have spoken.

football.

Fuckin football, man. I love football. We all love football. If you don’t love football then you’re un-American. If you’re un-American then you probably love football anyways because every other country loves football too, just a different kind of football. In the USA we call it: soccer. No one really knows why. I mean, football makes better sense as a name for soccer than soccer does, and seeing as how there are only 2 players on an American Football team… that actually use their feet on the ball.. well, it doesn’t make a shitload of sense to call it football.

But we do, because we’re American’s and we can do whatever the fuck we want. Why? Other countries in the world say, “that’s because American’s think they own the world.” – They would be right. We do own the fucking world, so we get to do whatever the fuck we want. ‘Merica. Fuck yeah.

Anyways, I just wanted to sound all patriotic and shit since the fourth of July just went down and all that bullshit. Now lets get to the news.

I’m about a month behind on shit lately. I know, I’ve not been around and all that shit. Normally I’d just tell you to deal with that shit and go on. Since normally, I miss shit and get behind because I’m lazy, bored, and doing a whole lot of nothing.

This time has been a little different. I actually moved. And I’m going to write about that experience later, but for now.. Lets just talk about something I enjoy. Football.

I try and read about football every day. When I say I try to, I actually I mean that I do. I read something about football every fucking day. Even right now when shit is not happening in football. Summertime is that sport deprived time of year where all you have to entertain yourself is Baseball. And those guys aren’t really athletes.

And baseball sucks huge elephant scrotum.

Every year I make a prediction on football. At least one. Since there’s been nothing going on this year, I’ll make a few. Read this shit closely. If you bet on this shit happening and it does.. You’ll be fucking rich.

My track record is pretty sound too. In all the years I’ve been watching football.. I’ve gotten one SuperBowl prediction from preseason correct. I almost had last years. So I’m due. Lets get on with it, shall we?

The important thing to understand about my predictions is that I am completely not biased. Just because I am a fanatical Dolphins fan and the rest of you can kiss my ass fan of a particular worlds greatest time in the history of any sports team 72 fins bitch, only undefeated team in history so suck that dick! doesn’t mean I’m going to let that cloud my judgment.

Lets start off with the biggest news in the NFL except for teams being frightened out of their fucking shorts about having to play the fish which would be the Aaron Hernandez fiasco.

I figured this shit out already. I can’t believe no one else has made this connection but me.. So spread the news. Hernandez went to college at the University of Florida. It was there that he formed a close bond with a certain..Timmy Tebow. Not only did they become close pals, but they won a national title together. Hernandez was one of Tebow’s favorite targets. This bond was a deep friendship, and they shared a common interest. Love of football..and love of…the Boondock Saints. That’s right, motherfuckers, Tebow and Herny became obsessed with the saints. So much that they swore an oath (before God of course) that someday, when the time was right…

And that time is now, bitches! Tebow has been spreading the word and good faith of God for the past couple years. Hell, he’s become as famous for that as he has for being a quarterback! So the PR.. that shit was set up brilliantly. Then, he gets picked up by whom? None other than the New England Patriots.. who his good buddy Aaron plays for.. And not only that.. but this is a team in Boston, folks. The stars had lined up. Timmy The God Warrior Tebow and Aaron the Muscle Hernandez together at last… and in Beantown. Fate had come to pass… Only problem is.. Aaron got busted. But that’s ok, because assume Aaron doesn’t get set free, Timmy will probably smuggle him out of jail.. dressed like a priest or something.

You can’t stop the saints, fuckers.

This news of Hernandez and his gang related ways, especially the tattoos, well that leads to problems for some players.. such as Colin Kapernick. Tattooed players get segregated. Dark times for the NFL approach.

People will begin to wonder if there is a connection between Colin and Aaron. Hell, they almost could be twins. This scares a lot of teams into losing to the 49ers this year. Out of fear that they’ll get capped, players lay down and take it from the niners. Scary times.

Speaking of the 49ers.. they do quite well this season, but they’re not as much of a surprise as last year and ultimately lose out to the Seahawks in the playoffs.

Speaking of the Seahawks, they’re going to have a great year! They’re going to make it all the way to the Superbowl this year. No bullshit. They’ll come out and stomp most of their opponents with relative ease, cruise to a 13-3 record and head all the way to the big game. But will they win it? Wait and see…

But before we go to the other side, the AFC, lets talk about a couple more interesting stories which you’ll wanna know.

The Lions improve this year and go 8-8. Reggie Bush is having another great year when suddenly (but not surprisingly) he gets hurt. So bad in fact, that his career looks over. The injury is… his legs get ripped off. Three years from now he makes a glorious come back as the first player to play… with bionic legs. He will suffers from “break downs” on his legs though.

Dallas. Ooohh Dallas. Despite a minor incident where the team bus gets lost in the woods and you have to forfeit a couple games.. you’re able to bounce back pretty well from the Tony Romo scandal. That’s right. The scandal that rocked the nation. This isn’t a Hernandez like crime though. This is a crime of.. passion.

That’s right. Its been a long time since Jessica Simpson was hot.. and even longer since Tony homo Romo dated her. Since then his tastes have gone.. well, downhill. Just like Jessica Simpson. Tony is involved in a major scandal with a bit of goat love. That’s right. He fucks a goat. But he is lucky because that shit is legal in Texas! So Tony gets off… over, and over and over again.

The Vikings will win ten games this season. Christian Ponder will throw one pass all year.. it will be an interception. Adrian Peterson will rush for 3,846 yards. Thus crushing the previous record and Eric Dickerson will bow down before him.

 

The Carolina Panthers will not have a great season, but Cam Newton will. The will improve on last season though and end up 8-8. Cam Newton will throw for 10,000 yards. He will also catch 9,827.2 of those yards himself. He will rush of 1,469 yards and account for every touchdown the team earns all season. The coach will be fired, and Cam will get said coaches salary added on top of his.

The Saints will return to their winning ways this year. They’ll shock and awe opponents with lots of points, but a shoddy defense will lead to an early exit in the playoffs. Good news though. They’ll knock off Atlanta in the first round of the playoffs, thus proving that Atlanta, whilst good during the regular season.. sucks in the playoffs. Fuck Atlanta.

Fuck them in their goat ass the way Tony Romo likes it.

Ultimately though the Saints will lose to the Seahawks in the playoffs. Maybe next year. Drew Brees will have some Jimmy John’s and life will go on the way that it’s supposed to.

Now its time for the AFC. The Bills will beat the Jets this year.. Twice! But no one else. Mark Sanchez will be laughed out of New York City, and Rex Ryan will beg a better team to take him on as a defensive coordinator. Poor Rex.. he’s just not that good. As for the Jets.. they’re worse. No one can save them. Not even Geno. Its going to be a rough couple years. Fuck the Jets. And the Bills. Fuck them both with a rusty fucking spoon.

The Titans still suck. Sorry. Indianapolis will miss Manning this year. Last year was a Cinderella season if ever I saw one. Sure goddamn Andrew Luck is fucking great, but the rest of the team just isn’t. This was the same problem that Poor Peyton had all those years. He had to make the magic happen. The magic will sputter this year because people will have their number.

Baltimore, though valiant, will not be spurred to greatness by a retiring Ray Lewis this year. So they’ll be just.. OK. Not great, just ok. They’ll make the playoffs and wash out early.

The Steelers suck. Ben Rothisburger will manage to miraculously go another year without raping a girl in a bathroom of a club, but no one on the team is really sure how. They’ve lost a lot of steps over the years and this year will be no different. 8-8 for those cocksuckers. One guarantee is… the critic will wipe his ass on one of those retarded yellow towels.

The Oakland Raiders will go 0-16. That’s a given, anyone could predict that shit. Oakland sucks ass. And they will for a very, very long time to come.

The Browns will go 1-15. Guess who they beat? Yup, you nailed it. Oakland.

Poor Hollywohio. That place is so fucking false its not even funny. You’d think they could do something right, but with a name like the Cleveland Steamers, how could they ever be anything more than shit?

In the wake of the Aaron Hernandez scandal, Gronk always being injured and Wes Welker going to Denver, the Patriots are in real trouble. Or so they thought. The real trouble will come with they play Miami and Cameron Wake rips off Tom Brady’s arms and beats him with them. It will be gruesome but glorious. Miami wins 72-3 in that game

The Patriots will not be completely down and out from that point. Without their star Tommy boy, things will really fall apart for them. Firstly, Giselle will publically beg Ryan Tannehill for a threesome with he and his hot wife.

They decline because Lauren Tannehill is hotter and Ryan doesn’t want to lower his standards. Poor Gisele is all alone with an armless Tommy.

But, never  fear, Patriot fans! Your Savior arrives! That’s right, Timmy Tebow now in town leads the Patriots to a wildcard birth! People in Boston won’t stop Tebowing.

In an act of Devine Retribution, Tebow leads the Patriots to a 41-35 Overtime victory in the playoffs.. over the Broncos. People in Denver fume. Sadly, though, the Patriots run ends at the hands of the 15-1 Dolphins. The Dolphins one loss comes at the hands of the fucking Houston Texans, whom they have never beat. Fuck you Houston. I’m pretty sure Kubiak got video of the entire Phins teams Vinegar Strokes.

You might be asking what Vinegar Strokes are. Allow me to enlighten you.

Fucking Vinegar strokes. Luckily for the Dolphins, Andy Dalton goes down midseason and Boomer comes out of retirement to lead the Bengals to the playoffs where they beat the goddamned Houston Texans before falling to the Phins who gloriously run to the SuperBowl where they smash the fuck out of the Seattle Seahawks, winning 49-7.

And there you have it. The most likely of events to happen in this upcoming NFL season. It’s totally legit.. and thank God training camp starts in like a week. Fuck.