football.

Fuckin football, man. I love football. We all love football. If you don’t love football then you’re un-American. If you’re un-American then you probably love football anyways because every other country loves football too, just a different kind of football. In the USA we call it: soccer. No one really knows why. I mean, football makes better sense as a name for soccer than soccer does, and seeing as how there are only 2 players on an American Football team… that actually use their feet on the ball.. well, it doesn’t make a shitload of sense to call it football.

But we do, because we’re American’s and we can do whatever the fuck we want. Why? Other countries in the world say, “that’s because American’s think they own the world.” – They would be right. We do own the fucking world, so we get to do whatever the fuck we want. ‘Merica. Fuck yeah.

Anyways, I just wanted to sound all patriotic and shit since the fourth of July just went down and all that bullshit. Now lets get to the news.

I’m about a month behind on shit lately. I know, I’ve not been around and all that shit. Normally I’d just tell you to deal with that shit and go on. Since normally, I miss shit and get behind because I’m lazy, bored, and doing a whole lot of nothing.

This time has been a little different. I actually moved. And I’m going to write about that experience later, but for now.. Lets just talk about something I enjoy. Football.

I try and read about football every day. When I say I try to, I actually I mean that I do. I read something about football every fucking day. Even right now when shit is not happening in football. Summertime is that sport deprived time of year where all you have to entertain yourself is Baseball. And those guys aren’t really athletes.

And baseball sucks huge elephant scrotum.

Every year I make a prediction on football. At least one. Since there’s been nothing going on this year, I’ll make a few. Read this shit closely. If you bet on this shit happening and it does.. You’ll be fucking rich.

My track record is pretty sound too. In all the years I’ve been watching football.. I’ve gotten one SuperBowl prediction from preseason correct. I almost had last years. So I’m due. Lets get on with it, shall we?

The important thing to understand about my predictions is that I am completely not biased. Just because I am a fanatical Dolphins fan and the rest of you can kiss my ass fan of a particular worlds greatest time in the history of any sports team 72 fins bitch, only undefeated team in history so suck that dick! doesn’t mean I’m going to let that cloud my judgment.

Lets start off with the biggest news in the NFL except for teams being frightened out of their fucking shorts about having to play the fish which would be the Aaron Hernandez fiasco.

I figured this shit out already. I can’t believe no one else has made this connection but me.. So spread the news. Hernandez went to college at the University of Florida. It was there that he formed a close bond with a certain..Timmy Tebow. Not only did they become close pals, but they won a national title together. Hernandez was one of Tebow’s favorite targets. This bond was a deep friendship, and they shared a common interest. Love of football..and love of…the Boondock Saints. That’s right, motherfuckers, Tebow and Herny became obsessed with the saints. So much that they swore an oath (before God of course) that someday, when the time was right…

And that time is now, bitches! Tebow has been spreading the word and good faith of God for the past couple years. Hell, he’s become as famous for that as he has for being a quarterback! So the PR.. that shit was set up brilliantly. Then, he gets picked up by whom? None other than the New England Patriots.. who his good buddy Aaron plays for.. And not only that.. but this is a team in Boston, folks. The stars had lined up. Timmy The God Warrior Tebow and Aaron the Muscle Hernandez together at last… and in Beantown. Fate had come to pass… Only problem is.. Aaron got busted. But that’s ok, because assume Aaron doesn’t get set free, Timmy will probably smuggle him out of jail.. dressed like a priest or something.

You can’t stop the saints, fuckers.

This news of Hernandez and his gang related ways, especially the tattoos, well that leads to problems for some players.. such as Colin Kapernick. Tattooed players get segregated. Dark times for the NFL approach.

People will begin to wonder if there is a connection between Colin and Aaron. Hell, they almost could be twins. This scares a lot of teams into losing to the 49ers this year. Out of fear that they’ll get capped, players lay down and take it from the niners. Scary times.

Speaking of the 49ers.. they do quite well this season, but they’re not as much of a surprise as last year and ultimately lose out to the Seahawks in the playoffs.

Speaking of the Seahawks, they’re going to have a great year! They’re going to make it all the way to the Superbowl this year. No bullshit. They’ll come out and stomp most of their opponents with relative ease, cruise to a 13-3 record and head all the way to the big game. But will they win it? Wait and see…

But before we go to the other side, the AFC, lets talk about a couple more interesting stories which you’ll wanna know.

The Lions improve this year and go 8-8. Reggie Bush is having another great year when suddenly (but not surprisingly) he gets hurt. So bad in fact, that his career looks over. The injury is… his legs get ripped off. Three years from now he makes a glorious come back as the first player to play… with bionic legs. He will suffers from “break downs” on his legs though.

Dallas. Ooohh Dallas. Despite a minor incident where the team bus gets lost in the woods and you have to forfeit a couple games.. you’re able to bounce back pretty well from the Tony Romo scandal. That’s right. The scandal that rocked the nation. This isn’t a Hernandez like crime though. This is a crime of.. passion.

That’s right. Its been a long time since Jessica Simpson was hot.. and even longer since Tony homo Romo dated her. Since then his tastes have gone.. well, downhill. Just like Jessica Simpson. Tony is involved in a major scandal with a bit of goat love. That’s right. He fucks a goat. But he is lucky because that shit is legal in Texas! So Tony gets off… over, and over and over again.

The Vikings will win ten games this season. Christian Ponder will throw one pass all year.. it will be an interception. Adrian Peterson will rush for 3,846 yards. Thus crushing the previous record and Eric Dickerson will bow down before him.

 

The Carolina Panthers will not have a great season, but Cam Newton will. The will improve on last season though and end up 8-8. Cam Newton will throw for 10,000 yards. He will also catch 9,827.2 of those yards himself. He will rush of 1,469 yards and account for every touchdown the team earns all season. The coach will be fired, and Cam will get said coaches salary added on top of his.

The Saints will return to their winning ways this year. They’ll shock and awe opponents with lots of points, but a shoddy defense will lead to an early exit in the playoffs. Good news though. They’ll knock off Atlanta in the first round of the playoffs, thus proving that Atlanta, whilst good during the regular season.. sucks in the playoffs. Fuck Atlanta.

Fuck them in their goat ass the way Tony Romo likes it.

Ultimately though the Saints will lose to the Seahawks in the playoffs. Maybe next year. Drew Brees will have some Jimmy John’s and life will go on the way that it’s supposed to.

Now its time for the AFC. The Bills will beat the Jets this year.. Twice! But no one else. Mark Sanchez will be laughed out of New York City, and Rex Ryan will beg a better team to take him on as a defensive coordinator. Poor Rex.. he’s just not that good. As for the Jets.. they’re worse. No one can save them. Not even Geno. Its going to be a rough couple years. Fuck the Jets. And the Bills. Fuck them both with a rusty fucking spoon.

The Titans still suck. Sorry. Indianapolis will miss Manning this year. Last year was a Cinderella season if ever I saw one. Sure goddamn Andrew Luck is fucking great, but the rest of the team just isn’t. This was the same problem that Poor Peyton had all those years. He had to make the magic happen. The magic will sputter this year because people will have their number.

Baltimore, though valiant, will not be spurred to greatness by a retiring Ray Lewis this year. So they’ll be just.. OK. Not great, just ok. They’ll make the playoffs and wash out early.

The Steelers suck. Ben Rothisburger will manage to miraculously go another year without raping a girl in a bathroom of a club, but no one on the team is really sure how. They’ve lost a lot of steps over the years and this year will be no different. 8-8 for those cocksuckers. One guarantee is… the critic will wipe his ass on one of those retarded yellow towels.

The Oakland Raiders will go 0-16. That’s a given, anyone could predict that shit. Oakland sucks ass. And they will for a very, very long time to come.

The Browns will go 1-15. Guess who they beat? Yup, you nailed it. Oakland.

Poor Hollywohio. That place is so fucking false its not even funny. You’d think they could do something right, but with a name like the Cleveland Steamers, how could they ever be anything more than shit?

In the wake of the Aaron Hernandez scandal, Gronk always being injured and Wes Welker going to Denver, the Patriots are in real trouble. Or so they thought. The real trouble will come with they play Miami and Cameron Wake rips off Tom Brady’s arms and beats him with them. It will be gruesome but glorious. Miami wins 72-3 in that game

The Patriots will not be completely down and out from that point. Without their star Tommy boy, things will really fall apart for them. Firstly, Giselle will publically beg Ryan Tannehill for a threesome with he and his hot wife.

They decline because Lauren Tannehill is hotter and Ryan doesn’t want to lower his standards. Poor Gisele is all alone with an armless Tommy.

But, never  fear, Patriot fans! Your Savior arrives! That’s right, Timmy Tebow now in town leads the Patriots to a wildcard birth! People in Boston won’t stop Tebowing.

In an act of Devine Retribution, Tebow leads the Patriots to a 41-35 Overtime victory in the playoffs.. over the Broncos. People in Denver fume. Sadly, though, the Patriots run ends at the hands of the 15-1 Dolphins. The Dolphins one loss comes at the hands of the fucking Houston Texans, whom they have never beat. Fuck you Houston. I’m pretty sure Kubiak got video of the entire Phins teams Vinegar Strokes.

You might be asking what Vinegar Strokes are. Allow me to enlighten you.

Fucking Vinegar strokes. Luckily for the Dolphins, Andy Dalton goes down midseason and Boomer comes out of retirement to lead the Bengals to the playoffs where they beat the goddamned Houston Texans before falling to the Phins who gloriously run to the SuperBowl where they smash the fuck out of the Seattle Seahawks, winning 49-7.

And there you have it. The most likely of events to happen in this upcoming NFL season. It’s totally legit.. and thank God training camp starts in like a week. Fuck.