Kick ass movies that should be in your house.

I’m pretty fucking obvious with my titles. What I should have named this blog was “Titty sprinkles and catnip” Then all you motherfuckers would be like oh shit what is this? But no, I did the obvious thing because I’m not a tricky asshole. I’m just a straight up asshole.

So the title says what we’re going to talk about. That’s right, bitches, I’m going to do straight up real life critic shit. Are you shocked? You should be. Lets get this monkey fuck on.

I’m not just “A critic” I’m THE motherfuckin critic. So that means I have not only the right and the privilege of telling you what to do and or think, but I get to do it with a condescending tone that makes me seem like a bigger asshole than I really am.

That’s not really true. I couldn’t ever write just how big of an asshole I am. Be grateful we’re not face to face on this shit.

So kickass movies. What makes a kickass movie? It’s a movie that kicks ass. And sometimes also ass kicks. That’s what we’ve got today. Look, the reality is, between DVD, Bluray and Netflix, there is no fucking excuse for you to NOT have these movies in your home.

They’re glorious and gory. They’re fuckin entertaining, they’re fun to watch, and just an all around good fucking time. So why wouldn’t you own these movies? Maybe because you’re a pussy.

Well suck it up bitch tits, it’s time to let your balls drop and start acting like a real man.

Starship Troopers

Who’s in it? A whole lot of people who don’t matter. There’s a hot redhead, Dina something or other. IMDb that shit if you want more answers. There’s Michael Ironside who you’re like who the fuck is that? Its Jester from Top Gun. And there’s Denise Richards. She did this movie, she did Wild Things (which you loved) and then she did Charlie Sheen. Apparently his winning spelled the end of her career. But she had a nice spread in Playboy. The movie also has NPH before he became Barney. Post Doogie. It was a strange time for him.

Why’s it fucking cool? This movie has gratuitous violence in it. There’s violence for the sake of being violent. There’s death. A lot of it. There’s blood. By the barrel full. There’s a line: “It sucked out his brains.” There’s sex. Some. And there is gratuitous nudity. There’s no need for all the nudity in this movie. It only enhances the movie.

This shit came out in 1997. If you haven’t seen it, you might just say fuck watching it, I might as well jump off of a fucking bridge now. You don’t have to be that drastic though. Just climb out from the hole in which you live in and get with the fucking program. Don’t rent it because you’ll just be wasting your time. Go buy it. It used to be on Netflix too. I don’t know if it still is because the cunts at Netflix change their shit like every 45 seconds.

For the ladies? There’s lots of chiseled, hard guys. There’s a shower scene where you get some man ass. Enjoy. There’s a guy who looks like Rob Lowe but isn’t Rob Lowe.

It’s a fucking great movie that is senselessly violent and bloody and naked. Go get it.

Rambo

Hey good news, bitches. There’s a lot of fuckin Rambo movies to choose from. Four of them. What’s impressive about these movies? They improve with age. As does Sly Stallone. This motherfucker. I’m pretty sure he’s more ripped now than he was in the first Rambo movie. He was cut back then, but the bastard is just huge now.

Who’s in it? Stallone.

Why’s it fuckin rad? By now if you don’t know the story of Rambo you really should do us all a favor and off yourself. He’s the guy who came back from Nam with the worst case of PTSD in the history of medical science.

It doesn’t help that the US Government treats him.. well like they do everyone else. Only Johnny here lets them know to fuck off with a bazooka and explosive arrows.
This isn’t just a blow em up shoot em dead kind of movie. It’s also a strong case for fuck you and fuck you too kind of movie. Let’s say you’re like a friend of mine who refuses to watch older movies, then just pick up the newest one which was released in 2008. It’s wildly entertaining even if Johnny Rambo is kind of a depressing downer.

In the end, he get’s ahold of a .50 cal and fucks shit up more than your wettest wildest dreams could ever imagine.

For the ladies? As I said, ladies, Stallone is chiseled from fucking Italian marble. If you can’t get your drool on looking at a guy like that then you never will.

The Expendables

Who’s in it? Stallone, Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, motherfuckin Chuck Norris, Terry Crews, Steve Austin, Van Damage, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Randy Cotoure, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Liam Hemsworth… pretty much every badass in Hollywood. Especially when you consider Expendables 3 will add Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, Milla Jovovich, Mel Gibson, and reportedly Kurt Russell. Fuckin shit. This makes this the coolest casted set of 3 movies in the history of fucking ever. Times infinity.
And fuck you if you disagree.

Why’s it awesome? This movie is a nonstop thrill ride of everything you wish you could do in your life. I mean seriously. You didn’t grow up hoping you’d become a Walmart cashier. But it happened. You didn’t hope you’d end up working in an Apple store where you think you’re shit doesn’t stink and the company has you so brainwashed you can’t imagine any other piece of software or operating system on the planet. But it happened. And you most certainly did not aspire to washing dishes for a living. But you’re doing it, aren’t you.

No, you grew up wanting to be a gun slinging, awesomeness wielding badass mercenary just like all the fucking cool ass motherfuckers in this movie. It’s not like it was a realistic dream so you don’t have to feel sorry for yourself. But seriously, dude, you could have at least tried a LITTLE harder.

But since you’re a worthless piece of shit contributing member of society and punch a time clock the way the rest of us do, you can live out your utmost fantasies in this action packed thrill ride of testosterone driven awesomeness.

For the Ladies? You might be saying these guys are all older and over the hill but Jason Statham is in it, and lets face it. Women love him. Maybe it’s the bald head or the English accent. Maybe its every woman saw the Italian Job and he will be forever known as “Handsome Rob” – whatever the case.. bitches love him. Oh and they save chicks in the movie like they’re playing a part in some awful Bryan Adams song.

Dredd

There’s a couple different versions of this movie. We’re talking about the most recent one.

Who’s in it? Karl Urban. Sorry Sly, your run at kickass movies ends here, we’re not talking about the 90’s version of this movie where you mumbled all your lines. We’re talking about the new hotness.

Why’s it kick ass? If you’re one of those people who buys into the 3D shit, this movie was made to give you the biggest wood on the planet. Not only is the 3D over the top awesome, but the really neato special effects in this movie are done in slow motion due to a PLOT SPOILER drug people like to take that not only makes everything move in slow motion, but it makes the whole world sparklie and pretty. This movie is an ocular orgasm that will leave your eyeballs panting and asking for a cigarette. Furthermore, what’s great is Dredd doesn’t take off his helmet in the entire movie. So you don’t have to see his angry eyebrows but you can surely feel them as he scowls the entire movie.

Between the bangs and booms and kickassery that happens in this couple hours of gory delight, there’s clever dialog to keep you happy. There’s a sexy blonde with a gun running around with the Judge and even she thinks that she IS THE LAW.

To top it all off, for you Game of Thrones fans out there, you get to see the beloved Queen Cercei in this movie. Not only is she a supercunt in Thrones, but she’s a wicked bad bitch in this movie as well. The really great part of it all though, is she is one UGLY twat in this movie. Long gone are the lovely long locks and the permanent condescending scowl you’re accustomed to. She traded all that in for an ugly face to match the ugly personality she so flavorfully brings to the screen.

For the ladies? Well, as I just mentioned, Cersei is ugly. That should make you happy. Also, it stars Karl Urban. Though you can’t see the majority of his face in this 2 hours of slaughter fest, you can still pretend he looks like he did in Lord of the Rings. This Xena: Warrior Princess alum has all the goods to make you swoon and carry a movie as the leading man.

And you fucking love it. And pretty guys like him. Don’t lie.

Total Recall

Who’s in it? Colin Ferrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel.
Sorry Arnold, though your 1990’s version of the same story was good, this one, simply put. Was better. HEEYIIIEEE!!!

Why’s it awesome? Easily put, this isn’t just a simple reboot as is so popular these days in Hollywood. This was a reboot plus a reimagining. Unlike Arnold’s version of this movie, this one does not take place on Mars with a metric shit ton of mutants running around everywhere. Let’s be straight: That shit back in the day was fucking awesome. There’s no getting around it. However, when viewing this classic scifi masterpiece one can only think it is just a little… dated. That’s the best way to describe it. Perhaps its because we’re so fucking snobbish and CGI advancements have ruined these classics for us, or perhaps its just because it wasn’t nearly as good. The story itself is very similar though and poor Colin has a mind fuck the whole time and is left wondering what the fuck is going on and what the fuck is REAL.

That’s the beauty of this movie, its not just a visually pleasing action packed moviegasm. It’s a mindfuck of the epic level that is right up there with the likes of Inception.

The fucked up thing of the whole movie is apparently Kate is trying to kill Colin, or at least he *thinks* she is and thus he spends the whole movie running from her (with the aid of the far less attractive Jessica Biel). I can believe just about anything. I mean seriously, when it comes to entertainment like this, I let myself get sucked in and I can totally see how real all of this shit could be. I believe we could have a world where this kind of shit totally exists. What I cannot believe is that there would EVER be a world where a straight man would run from the arms of Kate Beckinsale into the arms of Jessica Biel. It is a physical impossibility. Fact.

Which leaves the option of Colin Ferrell reprising his homo erotic role such as Alexander, the worlds number one kickass queer. The flipside of that coin is that he doesn’t run from Katie to Jared Leto. I mean, even Jared is prettier Jessica Biel.

All that set aside, the one great thing about this movie is much of it paid homage to the original Arnold version with the most important piece of the movie that simply could not be left out of a remake. That is, of course, the prostitute with three tits. Yeah, that shit made it from original to remake and it is as glorious as my fourteen year old mind remembers it. Hell its probably better seeing as how I’ve drank a fuck load of a lot of alcohol since I was 14.

For the ladies? Colin Ferrell. He’s attractive. He’s cut. He’s Irish. Don’t lie, ladies. All men know that all women love Colin. It’s practically written into the constitution. It’s definitely written into your handbook (“The Art of Manipulation”) and we know it to be a fact of the world which we cannot deny nor change. So we simply live with it.

Pacific Rim

Who’s in it? No one. Fucking no one. Seriously, there’s no big names in this movie AT ALL. There’s a guy from Prometheus in it, there’s a guy from True Blood, there’s a guy from Son’s of Anarchy. None of which are household names or anyone of real merit.

Why’s it fucking rad? Alright, here’s how it is. Giant monsters come out of the ocean and the only real way for mankind to fight them is to build giant robots to combat against them. This is where the awesomeness kicks in. This is a special effects orgy that will blow your fucking mind to tiny little bits and leave nothing left but cheetos.

The gist is it takes two people with their minds somehow futuristically connected and together these awesome combatants fight the giant monsters that come forth from the ocean to destroy all of mankind. Buildings are destroyed, people are killed and in the process monsters are also killed.

There’s also a no named hot asian actress who wears some skin tight tron like suit for most of the movie. This has very little to do with the almost nonexistent plot line. But it’s a nice change of scenery. It’s true, there’s not much of a plot. It’s plain and simple: Giant robots vs. Giant Monsters. How could this be a bad thing? It’s a visually pleasing movie that will blow your tightywhities off and make you scream for your mommy. And more.

For the ladies? This movie is pretty much one giant sausage fest. There’s next to zero women in it which won’t make you think about how sexist it is, but rather how happy you are to see so many dudes having a pissing contest to see who’s cock is the longest. Women love looking at men trying to decide who’s cock is the longest. Some women test each cock out (people like me call them “nice girls”) – but that’s besides the point. While guys will be drooling over the awesome destruction that is being wrought over the entire earth, you ladies can drool over the swinging dicks that populate the screen and run the giant robots. And its not like these are fat guys either. As everyone knows, fat dudes don’t sell movies and they certainly don’t control robots. They’re not even computer nerds, because in this world that would make too much sense.. No, they’re pretty men who have rockstar like personas. You’re fucking welcome.

And there you have it. Is your dvd/bluray collection complete? I’m guessing not you fucking sissy lala bitch. So put on your big boy pants and go to the fucking store and use that credit card that’s nearly maxed out and get on the fucking bull. It’s about time you start acting like a man, and in doing so you need your movie collection to reflect your manliness. Besides, if you’ve a bitch woman in your life, then I’ve even provided you with all the reasons you need in order to justify it to the Mrs. And the real kicker here? I gave you six movies titles, but in reality there are 12-14 movies to choose from. That’s almost a quarter of the amount of shoes in your old ladies closet. Now go get shit done.