Driving

It’s a new fucking year. Hell its almost February. Hell it might actually be Feb before I manage to get this shit put up. Who knows? What I do know is for the month of January I’ve been doing a lot of things, and I should tell you about them. First, I did a lot of sleeping. Secondly, I played a shit load of video games.

I’d wake up and say, hey, self! We should write a blog today! FUCK YAH WE SHOULD SELF!! Ok, Its fucking ON! Wait self. What’s that self? Its.. its.. our Xbox. Shit. Well just ONE game… Next thing you know I’ve been at it for 9 hours, the sun is gone and all I can think of is, “When did it get fucking dark outside?”

Winter is sort of like this for me. I find the winter months in the land locked hell hole to be unbearable. Its too fucking cold to go outside, and I’m too fucking uninterested in being fucking cold to be fucking outside in the cold fucking weather. I just used fucking a lot in that sentence. That’s how you do it with profanity. It drives home a point. Speaking of driving, that’s what we’re going to talk about today. But first we have something more important than driving.

Its 2012, and as promised, I, your Presidential Candidate from the Truth Party, am here to bring you some truth on how to survive this year, as I promised I would in my last blog. Yeah, I didn’t forget bitches!

Surviving the zombie apocalypse which will take place this year is a serious business, there have been many books written on the subject matter, but only one that  you really need to read. Its my personal bible. THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE, written by the genius Max Brooks. Todays tip for survival comes from a section on terrain types. Open your bibles to page 133.

Forest. When hunting, watch for freshly eaten carcasses. Try to determine if the predator was an animal or a zombie. Also, use the trees to extend your visibility: Each one can serve as a lookout post or sniper platform. Set fires only as a last-ditch effort.

There you have it. Remember, the critic is the one presidential candidate you can trust. He keeps his promises.

Now we’re about to talk about drivers. They’re everywhere and through hard study of them, I’ve become an expert concerning them. Ready to cock this shotgun of truth and blow a hole in 2012? Fuckin a, lets do it.

I learned how to drive. I drive often. Like daily. Even on those days where I play way too many video games for way too long, I still manage to drive. Why? Because I eventually need food, and the critic does not cook. Also, sometimes I run out of Mt. Dew. So yes, I drive a lot, and I live in the concrete jungle, the heart of evil, right next to a fucking mall, so I see drivers. A fuck ton. And I drive along side them, and scream at them, though it never does any good. But if it did, I would educate them all. Much like I’m going to educate you… right now.

Drivers, they’re everywhere, and if you’re like me, you know they all suck. They are the worst thing in the world that you have to deal with on a daily basis except for herpes. At least you can control your herpes, but these fuckers you have to deal with in your car you can’t just put medicine on and let them flare down after a particularly bad night at the local whore house. No, these motherfuckers you can’t help legally, and the only way you can really think would help them, you, and society in general, is by putting a bullet through their fucking forehead and finger painting with their brains.

But you can’t do that, and we can’t talk about that here. Hit up the email if you want stories. That’s bad, very bad!

Bad drivers come in all shapes sizes and sexes. That’s right ladies, I’m not just going to sit here and berate you as a shit hole driver, but the simple fact is, you’re worse than men typically, but there are some guys who are the fucking worst.  We’ll start with him.

The Let Me Drive! Guy

This is the guy you see who is a total dick. I don’t mean he’s a dick like the critic is, where he makes fun of the other people and thinks about world domination and how he’d like to kill the fucker in the car in front of him. No this guy is driving with his wife, daughter, girlfriend, mistress, grandma, mom, whatever. The drive is going good, but he’s probably yelling at the bitch who is behind the wheel about what a moron she is. He’ll likely beat the shit out of her later and follow that up with roses, but that’s besides the point. Inevitably at some point during her poor driving and his asshole riding, he’s gonna tell her, “Look bitch! Just let me drive!” She in turn will be like, “Chad, please, its fine, I’m fine, just be calm..”

But Chad isn’t calm, and he’s not going to put up with this shit any longer. What does he do? He reaches for the wheel like the cunt rag he is. This causes a swerve and me, in my deluxe Nazi Slaying Jeep, I start screaming. FUCKING CUNTS GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!

Look, Chad.. if you want to drive, don’t let your bitch get behind the wheel. Yah she sucks at driving, she has a vagina. Don’t be that guy. Either let her drive or don’t but you can’t half ass it and try to kinda take over driving like the USA did with Iraq. Ok, you’re still in the drivers seat.. but I gots da wheel. For now. Till I say so. K? Good. *spit* This guy deserves a double tap with a shotgun.

Your Grandma

She might have been a decent driver at one point in time, back when people still had horses and buggies and shit. But now she’s old and she shrunk. I suppose this goes for your grandpa too, but he has something your grammies doesn’t. Since he is male, he was a better driver before he got bad. Grandma was a shitty driver to start, since she was a woman, and therefore it only deteriorated.

Look, I may be living in a land locked hellhole, but I didn’t start here. I started in the state of Florida, the state of Retirement. Its not the land of beautiful people like you might think, it’s the land of OLD people. Why should we not let these people drive? Because they’re dangerous. It’s a straight up fact of the world that if you CANNOT SEE OVER THE STEERINGWHEEL .. you’re dangerous. Like having sex with a hooker in Taiwan. Its that fucking dangerous.

Not only can Grandma not see, but she can’t find the accelerator either. Because every fucking old person on the road has a serious fucking problem when it comes to the goddamned speed limit. Or maybe its just that their eyes have gotten so bad, or the steering wheel so big that they misread the signs. Hey, it happened on an election ballot in Florida once upon a time. That’s two Florida references in just a couple short paragraphs. Fuckin A.

The I’m Too Scared To Merge! Guy

This is the guy who infuriates me more than anyone else on the road. Minus women who drive a Prius. There are certain catch phrases I find myself screaming in the car the most:

1. MOVE OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY
2. GET OFF THE FUCKING ROAD
3. SPEED THE FUCK UP
4. MOVE YOUR FUCKING PRIUS

Those are the main ones. The guy who pulls out on to the interstate driving at 40 miles per hour when the speed limit is clearly marked at 75 MPH clearly needs to have all his fingernails pulled off one by one until he learns where the gas pedal is. I mean really, not only is this dangerous, but its also something that gets in my way and pisses me off, and when that happens, people get run off the road and I flash my super awesome middle finger. Inevitably the guy next to me flashes one back until I brandish a weapon and then he gets scared and I drive off feeling better. So the next time you’re merging, you might want to remember to STEP ON THE FUCKING GAS.

Women

Yep, I went there. You’re bad drivers. Its not your fault, its society’s fault. We have accepted the fact that you suck at driving and that there is no hope, and so much do we ignore it that we actually try to make the gentler sex feel better by making her have lower rates on her insurance which is just fucking outrageously stupid. I know more women who have been in accidents than men. I know more women who suck at driving than men. It’s a proven fact, if you have a vagina and breasts, there is a 87% chance you will suck at driving.

Why do women suck at driving? What do they have to work with here as role models for one. Look at what the youth of this world looks up to. Look girls, you’re never going to learn a thing from this cunt who is too busy texting her doctor for more herpes medication (more vd references! SCORE!) calling some random guy to put his cock in her ass, while intoxicated, and trying to decide where she will park and get out and flash the world her over used and highly abused vagina.

They have too much to do. Duh. Look the modern woman is an anomaly to men around the world. We can’t fathom having to put on make up, change our outfits twenty times before leaving the house. We do not understand accessories. We can barely wear matching socks half the time, we’re never going to understand why you have to match the head band to the scarf, which matches the highlight tones of your nails, which have the same shine to them as your belt which matches your shoes, that go perfectly with your pants which compliment your ass because your shirt is just long enough to where it hugs just above the belt line which accentuates your hips just right to give you that perfect shape. Not to mention the fact that your bra has to be colored matched to not show, unless you’re a whore or a stripper who wants the world to see her bra, or the outfit calls for the bra to be seen.. which set of panties you have to wear to make sure there are no lines, yet seem modest but sexy at the same time.

We don’t get that shit. I own 3 shirts. Fact. I wear them at least 4 times before washing them. Unless it rains, then I’m getting another 2 uses out of them first. Simple fact of the matter is because you have so much shit going on, it makes it virtually impossible for you to make it to work on time, and thus, the advent of the rear view mirror, side mirror, or beauty mirror comes into play. You have to use those precious moments extra after you leave home to talk on the cell, to finish your make up, drink your coffee, eat your breakfast and STILL drive at the same fucking time. Its amazing you survive one commute, yet you do it daily. You are superhuman annoyances to the rest of us who just want to make it to work safely so we can be pissed off about the fact that we’re not retired for the next 8 hours before we have to once again take our lives in our own fucking hands and brave the streets where you are, in your car, making life a scary place.

There is a solution though. If its going to take you that long to leave home, why don’t you just start getting ready sooner so you can actually focus on not killing all of those around you. Its like I always say: Women; can’t live with em… can’t shoot em.

Cats

Who the fuck lets their cat drive anyways? What the fuck is wrong with these people? I see this shit at least once a week and it infuriates me to no end. The asshole who lets his cat drive is the same asshole who makes all those fucking cat pictures where they speak like retards and thinks that its cute. The only help for this guy is to put him out of his misery.

The Critic

That’s right, though I’m not above the law, I fucking should be. I need my own lane on the road because of all the rage I have. It can’t be stopped. If I drive for ten minutes you can bet your ass that inside me burns the heat of a thousand fires of hell, the fury of which cannot be dowsed by any amount of water. Once I'm finished on a long drive, I need at least 7 hours to recuperate and settle down, or else someone is going to die.

What bugs me the most is people just not getting out of the fucking way like they should. If you can’t do the speed limit, that’s ok.. I have a 1966 Jeep Nazi Slayer with a zombie slaying bumper on the front, and a top speed of 55 mph. I understand the whole not going fast thing. Know what I do when I drive that thing other than slay Nazis and zombies? I stay out of the fucking way of other people. It’s common fucking courtesy. I’ve got a little bit of it. Because the rest of the time, I’m trying to bomb my way as fast as possible, because lets face it, the faster I go, the less chance I have of seeing a woman driver who is really just on the road with one mission and one mission only: TO FUCKIN KILL ME.

If you know one thing about me, you know that I absolutely love brownies. If you know two things about me, there’s the brownies thing, and then there’s the fact that I hate cops. Look, I don’t want these motherfuckers in my way either. So what if I go a little bit faster than the posted speed? As far as I’m concerned, its none of your fucking business how much faster I decide to go. People who drive slower and do not get out of the fucking way are the ones who need tickets, not the guy who is trying to make everyone else’s commute faster and easier with less stress. So fuck you slow pokes. Know what I want to ask a cop every time he says “Do you know how fast you were going?” –“Not as fast as you did to catch me, are you gonna write yourself a ticket?”

But the fact is, I pussy out every time. Because I don’t want to go to jail and become some bad man’s bitch. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s some pretty fucking sound logic.

Now remember the laws of the land and drive safe, bitches.