Halloween

The name says it all bitches. No secret subliminal messages as to what this entry is about. Before we get into that bullshit, lets talk about something. If you’re a facebook reader, then you know what I’m about to say.

If you’re not. Hi, I’m The Critic.

As you know, I took the month of September off. Its not because I wanted to, or needed to, or whatever. Well ok, that’s a lie, I pretty much do whatever I like all the time so who am I kidding? I could give all kinds of reasons and excuses but what it comes down to is really:

That’s right, writers block. I’ve found the more bullshit I write, the less bullshit I have to write about. So ideas bitches. That’s your homework assignment. Get ideas and give them to me, you can send them here, you can send them directly to Facebook. Just fucking send them or I’ll send a Cyclops to your house to eat your babies. Count on it.

Halloween, it’s a fun time for all, but what was it originally and how did it evolve into what we find today? Lets dig deep and strap in fuckers, its time to roll.

I have celebrated Halloween my whole entire life. All 6 years of it. That’s including the time before AND after the coma. I’ve celebrated it in multiple different states as well as countries. I know how to drink, and eat candy. I also know how to dress myself, though I learned that only recently. Being an expert now on this subject, lets get to the real shit this fucking blog has to educate you before Halloween so you know how to properly enjoy it to its fullest potential.

Let’s talk about what the never wrong Wikipedia has to say about Halloween:

Historian Nicholas Rogers, exploring the origins of Halloween notes that while “some folklorists have detected its origins in the Roman feast of Pomona, the goddess of fruits and seeds, or in the festival of the dead  called Parentalia, it is more typically linked to the Celtic festival of Samhain, whose original spelling was Samuin.  The name of the festival historically kept by the Gaels and celts in the British Isles which is derived from Old Irish and means roughly “summers end”

What the fuck does all that mean? It means that there is not one explanation as to where this night of dressing up has come from, or more so that it comes from many different cultures, but what these learned scholars fail to realize is all of their ideas are probably right, and that it all stems back to the harvest time. Hence the pumpkin. But who really gives a shit? At some point we decided, as a race, globally, to stop being such ignorant superstitious bastards, and that this holiday would become a celebration of something more fun that being worried about ghosts goblins and harvesting shit.

I wonder who the first guy to say “Hey fuck this bullshit, lets dress up as dead things and eat candy!!” was. “And we’ll ask our neighbors for candy, and we’ll use a clever phrase… trick.. or treat. Which means, my friends, if they don’t give us candy… we’ll… BURN DOWN THEIR FUCKIN HOUSE!” *crickets* “WHO IS WITH ME!?” ….. a few moments pass and then the resounding cheer roars through the crowd, thus Halloween was born. How do I know it went down like that? Time travel is a hobby of mine. So fuck off.

You think its for your kids, and sure it is.. but its also for the big kids out there, it was STARTED for us big kids. Only we don’t like just candy, and we don’t wanna see masks and witches. We wanna see masks, goblins and the like for the guys. But Halloween was invented by man, and by MAN I mean MAN, MAN! Male. Have you noticed, now that you’re a growed up, that every woman's costume is some version of hoe? You’re welcome fellas. That’s right, Halloween is the one night a year where a girl can dress like a slut and other girls won’t say shit to her. Why? Because it’s the spirit of the season motha fucka!

Halloween was invented now, for one more reason to add to the list:

That’s right. It’s a sexist time of year that we all celebrate. You guys out there get eye candy that you love and need. You ladies get  to dress like your inner slut desires every day. It’s a win win situation.

Now you might be saying, wait a second critic, just hold one one minute. You’re full of shit, this is totally wrong.

You think? Well then prepare to meet the truth bitch!

You know me. You’ve been around for long enough and read enough of my ramblings to know that there is only one true way to survive the future and that is to become a pirate. Here you see on your left, a real pirate. He looks the part, sword, guns, jewelry. BOOTY!

But this Halloween look for the local bicycle to dress as a pirate and you’re gonna see a very different kind of booty, one that if you’re a guy or Ellen you’ll find much more better. Real booty, female booty. Git some.

Does this look like a pirate to you? No, its called slut clothes with a pirate hat. Guess what? I’m ok with that, but here you have the first step in the lesson of all Halloween is for is for the ladies of the earth to dress hoe like and slutty. It’s a wonderful holiday. Still disagreeing? I have more examples, don’t worry.

Another traditional Halloween costume that hits the world every year, never fail, is a witch. What is a witch? She’s a magic wielding badass who can curse your family and make your turn into a toad. She can also make you sleep for centuries. She can poison you, she can steal your soul.  She can ride a broom, lucky bitch. I’m not talking Harry Potter shit here folks, I’m talking real grotesque hags. And why are they such hags? Because dark magic is evil and it takes the life force which you possess to wield it with efficiency. And that’s what witches are after, real ultimate power.

But for Halloween you won’t see a haggish looking chick dressed like this holding a poison apple, oh fuck no, why the fuck would she do that? First off, the apple has no alcoholic value to it, secondly, your average chick does not want to look ugly, even when in costume.

Even as a witch you can look like a hoe, thus further proof that I am right.

But you want more proof, of course, because you’re a greedy little bitch, and that’s ok, because I am infused with the truth, and I’m a know it all son of a bitch. You say to me, Critic, witches aren’t  real! (which is bullshit) and Pirates aren’t real (which is bullshit, I am one) How about real things in this world! Ha, ok you twat rocket, I can play your game..

Cops are real motherfuckers who write me tickets all the time in their on going quest to restrict my freedoms and keep me quiet. It doesn’t work of course, because I’ll still keep breaking their laws which I don’t agree with and they can go take a flying fucking leap off of a building. DO YOU HEAR ME!? But they’re very real, and very scary, most of the time are over weight and the biggest assholes you’ve ever met.

And ladies, this year if you want to dress up like a cop, you can do that too, and as you can see here… you too will look like a hoe while doing it. I’m ok with it, and most of you seem like you are too, so why hide the fact that you’re not? Why keep up this game of smoke and mirrors, we all know the truth. At least I do, and I’m in the process of educating everyone. This holiday is for you. Show off the goods you slutty cop you. What? You need more? One more and then I’m done with you.

Bunny Rabbits are real. Not like that asshole bugs bunny, I mean real fuckers, the hippity hoppity all over the fucking place – especially into the front end of my car. How can you make a bunny sexy? Give me a fucking break, we’re men, and we make the rules, we know how to make anything sexy.

So this Halloween when you’re out getting your “trick or treat” on, or as I call it, “Gimme your candy or I’ll torch this shack!” – remember when you look upon a bunny walking down the street and know that yes, even this innocent costume was designed to make the wearer look like a whore. Its ok, we all do it, and you might appreciate it.. but really.. bunnies are not cute. Thank God for the male imagination.

Its ok that you dress like a whore on Halloween. Hell, I like it. I wish we had Halloween more times a year. Look ladies, the fact is, you can use Halloween as an excuse to bring out your inner hoe if you like, or you can go the more logical route. Let it fly ALL the time. Ever wonder why sluts seem so happy? Because they’re popular. Popularity makes one happy. That’s why most men suffer from clinical depression. We don’t have awesome features like boobs to flaunt all over town. We can’t use our sexuality at work to get promoted. Fact. You think it doesn’t happen still? Gimme a fucking break. It not only happens every day, but its something that men in power look for. Hell that’s why they GET INTO POWER! Happy Birthday Bill Clinton, I’m talking about you. JFK where ever you are, same. Hillary Clinton, you too (yes I know you like the muff)

So Happy Halloween my friends. Guys find your lame ass boring costumes, and ladies, which version of whore will you be this year? Make it a good one, and remember to keep those costumes- they double down for good role playing in the bedroom. Nurses, tigers, every thing in this world you can think of that’s your Halloween costume is made cut and tailored two sizes too small so you can hoe it out, if only for this one night a year. Or just dress up like a slut for Halloween. Fuckin A that works too! When I become president, we’re gonna have more than one Halloween, and it will be a National Holiday. How’s that for reason to vote for me? 2012 bitches, we’re almost there.