Stalkers.

I dedicate this next blog to a fellow I know. He is a stalker and he knows it. He freely admits that his favorite past time is to break into the home of a pretty single girl, and watch her bathe. His favorite pickup line is, “Can you tell me if this smells like chloroform?” He is truly a creepy stalker from the pit of doom, and so, it is to you, Attmay, that I dedicate this blog. Note: His name has been changed to keep my ass from getting sued. Enjoy!

Stalkers are dangerous obsessive people. How do I know? Because I fuckin know shit, alright? Strap in, bitches, its time to rodeo this shit to a stand still.

So you’re asking yourself how I know so much about stalking and stalkers, perhaps you find this a bit concerning as we get ready to dive into the abyss of truth. Well allow me to explain, once more to you, as I have done to the cops so many times in the past. as I have explained to my priest. as I have told the FBI. Fuck it, never mind. I have officially stalked people, more than one, and continue to do so often. I have been stalked, therefore I know what its like, and I know the signs to look for. Its scary, I’ll tell you about it.

I met her, it was a Tuesday. She was a delightful lass, with summer in her hair and the ocean in her eyes. Instantly I of course, became attracted to her. Then she started to speak, and do you know what I realized? This woman is smart, funny, attractive… she is an intellectual on the same brain wave that I am. I, the critic, have met someone who could be… the girl of my dreams. But lets not get ahead of ourselves, self.. lets get to know one another first. Of course self. And so we did, I asked her out, and she said YES! Amazing! The Critic scores a date! So I picked her up, she looked amazing, she smelled amazing. I won’t name any names, because that is an unprofessional thing for an experienced writer such as myself to do. Plus I’ve been sued too much. I do, however, happen to have a picture of her still, so I’ll use visual aids.. because its not a real blog with out them, in my mind.

So, we’re sitting at dinner, and things couldn’t be better, we smile, we laugh, all the signs of a good going date are there. I, being the supreme gentleman that I am, would never assume more than a good time with a pretty woman, but the next thing you know, she’s inviting me back to her place. Thinking we’ll just have a drink, maybe watch some Grey’s Anatomy, and talk and laugh some more, I of course accept. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing I know, we’re both panting from exhaustion, still smiling of course, and the night cap was a wondrous event.

I won’t lie, I was not proud of what happened.. to an extent. I mean to say, it was not my intent, but it happened, I mean, I’m not ashamed of that, but that it happened so fast. Right. You believe me, I know it.

So a few things came up, and it took me a few days to get back to her, as sometimes in my line of work as a superhero can be taxing, and she did seem a bit relieved to hear from me at last. I was elated she was interested in seeing me again, our second date… it was much different.

So, once again, I opted to pick her up from her place. She greeted me with a smile, but it didn’t seem quite right. Nevertheless, we hugged, exchanged pleasantries, and off to the restaurant we went! We sat down, ordered a drink. Then we ordered our meal. That was when the interrogation began. The smiles faded and suddenly I was worried. What have we done wrong, self? I don’t know self- this is your fault though! No it certainly is NOT! It sure is, whatever she’s bitching about, its cause you did it. Apparently it took too long to reach back out to her. I desperately explained that my job, as a kryptonite bleeding superhero takes a lot out of me, and I was just busy is all, but she wasn’t buying it. Was there a reason I chose to wait so long other than the truth? No, of course not, I am not that kind of fellow! But here I was, being belittled and yelled at, and I hadn’t even received my sarsaparilla yet. What the hell. Then, something happened. She smiled, sighed and said “I’m glad that I got that off my chest! I love you!”

what.

This date officially sucks, and I’m ready for it to be over. I dropped her off at her house, tried to tell her I was tired but she forced me into the house. I did not know what to do, and I was being held prisoner! She hand cuffed me with these grotesque medieval shackles and I was forced to perform for my life. I should have won an Oscar. I left as fast as I could as soon as she was asleep.

I avoided her the next day, but 2 nights later she appeared on my doorstep in the middle of the night. First off, I don’t even know how she found out where I lived, but I’m a bit scared. I shooed her away with a shotgun, she laughed, calling me silly. I threatened the police, she called out love, and sped away in her car. Every night for the next 4 months she was outside of my window, trying get in. Trying to peek in to see if I was awake. She would call at the glass, “I know you’re there! I see your car in the driveway, cr1ck3e!!” I was huddled in the hall, where there were no windows. I was crying.

I would see her random places I did not expect. Like public restrooms, restaurants, the park, my window, my basement, closet, at the hair salon, in the strip club. At football games, hiding in a cabinet. All sorts of places. Always with this crazed look. Thankfully, eventually, she moved on with her life and I was safe.

I came out of it alive and safe, but you might not. That’s why its good to know what you’re up against. The following is a tutorial to educate you so you too can survive.

Having a stalker is kind of like having paparazzi follow you everywhere. Before I became a successful doctor of the truth, I was actually famous archeologist, and this led to having a lot of stalkers. The story I just told you, was only one of my stalker stories. There are many. However, paparazzi are much more obvious about it. They follow you just like a stalker, yes, and they take your picture a lot like a stalker, yes.. and there are generally many of them at one time, which if you’re a hugely successful archeologist like I was in my former profession, well this too is similar. They make you uncomfortable. Same.

Sometimes they’ll break into your home and steal videos of you, or your clothes, or your laundry, or your identity. Its really all too unfair a thing to have to go through, but what can be said is it is quite unpleasant, but if its happening to you you’re probably pretty damn awesome.

Know Your Foe

There are certain things to look at when starting to date someone new. The way they dress, their mannerisms, their car, their  eyes. What kind of job do they have? Do they have a beard? Why? Do they look like they would scare children? Why? Do they like cats? WHY?! Lets explore.

Dress Code

Dress code is a simple one. Trench coats are a dead give away to someone who is creepy unless they are a lawyer or stock broker. If they aren’t and the sport a trench, well then they’re a stalker. Fact.

Furthermore, if they look like this guy here, like they’re ready to rip it open and show you their genitals at a moments notice.. well that sort of mannerism is also a dead give away to the fact that they are indeed a stalker.

The Car

What kind of car they drive is important. Seeing a creepy guys car is easy to spot a mile away. Here it is. A single person, driving a van. What do they need a van for? They don’t other than kidnappings. I know, you’re thinking this doesn’t really happen in the REAL world, but it does. Ford makes a mighty fine van that can be used for all sorts of things. But in the private sector, in suburbia?  No. You see them as transport. You see them as work vans, but you never see them owned by a random guy. Its not like you buy one for power. Or speed. Or to snag a hot date. Or to haul shit. If you want to haul shit, you get a truck. If you want a date you get a flashy car, like a Lambo, or a Jeep.

The worst is when you see an illustration like our first picture, come to life. YES IT DOES HAPPEN! I really wish you’d not argue with me like this, its frightfully discouraging. After all we’ve been through, you can still find it in you to disagree? That’s ok, I have the truth on my side, bitch! I took this from a spy cam I have set up in town my office window.

Beware of these people, now that you know for fact they exist.

Creepy Eyes

Creepy Eyes are a dead give away, folks. If that’s not obvious, I don’t know what is. Another thing you need to do, is WARN YOUR CHILDREN! Just like with ghetto ice cream vans and free candy… someone like Mark Wallberg from FEAR can meet your daughter and then you’re screwed, because the maniac is coming after your family.

Stalkers don’t have an age limit, and they are normally janitors at the local park, pool, or public school. Remember that one, kids. These fucks are scarier than your bff breaking up with you because she saw you kiss Billy at lunch. AND YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFYING THAT IS!

But to you who read this and are an adult, you should know that we’re not targeting kids here, its you who we stalkers go after too. If you meet a guy who looks and seems normal.. except those eyes.. Think twice. The eyes are they gate way to the fucking soul, if they are creepy looking, then you can bet your soul is darker and more twisted than my tiny black heart.

CLOSE YOUR

DAMN WINDOW

BLINDS!

 

Enough said.

Finally, remember, stalkers are resourceful and resilient. In fact, with the times we live in, they can find you easily and readily. Thanks to Facebook. You think you’re safe to use a site such as Facebook. Hell, I use Facebook, so do you. If you didn’t you’d probably never know about my blog. Thank you for using Facebook. But the simple truth is, you can’t hide.. when your every move is on the interweb. They know what you’re doing and where you are.. why? Because you check in. Because you tell the world you’re going to Miami for vacation. Because you catalog your entire life online, you have, in turn, made a stalkers job easier. This day and age is easier for so many professions. Cab drivers and delivery men.. because of GPS. And stalkers as well.. because of Facebook. I was going to insult Myspace, but even someone as socially uncool as me knows that no one actually uses Myspace anymore, so I avoided it.

Remember these things for your safety. Don’t end up with mass amounts of popularity driven stalkers like me. Trust me it is flattering not very much fun to deal with. Now, go forth, armed with the truth, and watch every shadow, listen to every footfall behind you. Because that person is probably following you.