What the Hell is wrong with you?

You’re fucked up. You’ve always been fucked up, and it is most likely that you will always be fucked up. This stems from a lot of reasons. First off, you were picked on as a kid. Secondly you might not have been loved enough. There are some real reasons why you are devastatingly socially awkward and unable to make friends. And its not your fault, its his:

Who is the bearded bringer of terror? He is the insane mastermind that brought you such wonderful things like The Labyrinth, the Dark Crystal, the Muppets, and yes, Sesame Street. His name is Jim Fucking Henson, and he fucked you up when you were so young you can’t even remember. That level of fuckedupedness does not fade with time, it festers like herpes and now you’re a full blown catastrophe of epic proportions. You need help, you need therapy, you need.. the truth. Are you ready?

When I was a young lad in the mother country, I realized just how fucked up people really were. This was long before Jim Henson came along, but people were fucked in the head for other reasons. What better way to make money than to help them “treat” their problems. Besides, treating other people who are more fucked in the face than you makes you feel better about yourself and that’s what we’re all about. So, I got myself a degree in Psychology. This helps keep me out of a mental institute myself, as I know how to manipulate the system. No, that does not include the years of 1983-1996. Everyone has a break, and it was a relatively short time to be institutionalized in my opinion. And after all, this is what we’re really after here.. my opinion the truth.

Jim Henson created Sesame Street in 1969. That’s a really long fucking time to be destroying the innocent minds of the youth. It was conceived to be an educational program to help children learn. And it was just that. It has helped over 40 years of children learn that its ok, OK to be social retards, jerks, homosexuals, vampires, and talk to themselves. We used to watch Sesame Street religiously until we were 25. What? What’s so wrong about that? Everything.

The following is brought to you by the Letters:

And the numbers:

 

Sesame Street fucked you up, and now its time to delve into how. Lets examine the characters that influenced your life to be a retard.

Big Bird

He she it thing is obviously a huge ass bird who has a problem with sexual identity. Much like Pigglet, this thing doesn’t know what sex it really is. As a child you look at that and say, yes, I have a penis, but its ok to act like a girl and have a high pitched voice. The truth is, Big Bird terrified me as a kid. As we all know, the only birds that are big are those crazy golden eagles that are big enough to pull a mountain goat off a cliff. If you didn’t have nightmares about Bird, then you lived in a state of delusion. Bird is not your friend, pal, buddy or anything of the sort. He/She is a predator of the most dangerous kind who is simply trying to lure you in so you can make a good meal for it. Big Bird is the reason people like Rupaul exist. Which I guess is ok, because she’s at least a pretty woman.

Dr. Bunsen and Beaker

Sadism. First you have these two “scientists” who are constantly doing failed experiments. The outward image here is that science is cool and fun. But is it really? No, its not. I’m sorry Bill Nye, but no matter what you do, none of us will ever think that you’re cool. It’s a fucking fact of reality that if you were the science geek in school, because you thought Beaker was cool, you got beat up by the football team. That’s not cool at all. Getting beat up all the time makes you hate people and bad things stem from that. Really bad fucking things. But these two really were the birth of sadism. Bunsen was constantly doing shit to torture poor Beaker because he got off on it. Its true. He was always so happy, and Beaker being he battered assistant to the Dr. Was too afraid to go to the cops to tell them that he’d been mistreated. This does not help you evolve into a strong self esteem, and you end up the battered prison bitch of a big guy named Tiny. But are you going to tell the warden? Fuck no! Tiny takes care of you. And he loves you, he just gets a little angry at times, and its really your fault, you know better than to make him angry, you BITCH! Back to Beaker, this guy who is constantly tortured, if he’d just learn to speak, he might actually get his point across to the doc to go fuck himself. He says: “Doc, go fuck yourself, I’m not a lab rat! I fucking hate you and I’m going back to mothers! No don’t light me on fire again you fucking ass bag! One day, I swear I’m going to shoot your face off with a fucking shotgun you sick sadistic abusive fucking whore!” but all the doc (and us) hear is: “Memememememememeeemememeee!!!” Do you know someone who can’t speak clearly? I know a guy who doesn’t. Drives me nuts. I get so mad that I hit him for it. Regrettably he is bigger than me and hits me back and I cry. That’s besides the point. What’s the point? LEARN HOW TO FUCKING SPEAK! Beaker is not cool, nor is science, nor is not speaking clearly. These fucks have taught you bad habits from the get go. Know who else loved these two brainiacs? The Unibomber. For real. He knew science like a motherfucker.

Count Von Count

Never talk shit about vampires that are real, and this one is as real as it gets. Count was the man, ah-ah! “Today childrens, we count to my favorite number! 6-ah-ah! 6-ah-ah! 6-ah-ah!” He was teaching you to fear the supernatural. And you should. Vampires will suck out your blood and steal your wallet. What’s worse? The shock of it would probably make you piss yourself. So when the cops find you, they find your bloodless, walletless, and soiled. It doesn’t get more embarrassing than that, folks. This is also why you should never walk around having to go to the bathroom. If you gotta pee and there's no toilet, do as my buddy does and splash the nearest wall around. Or tree. Or car tire. I tell him that he’s a hobo, but I think he may be on to something. He is always ready for a vampire attack. Remember, if you’re with a friend and a vampire attack happens, you don’t have to run fast, only faster than your friend. Hopefully you’ll come across Abe Lincoln who will fuck that vampire’s life into oblivion. Just in case though, you shouldn’t walk alone at night. For real.

Snuffleupagus

I won’t lie, I had to google that name to figure out how to spell it. But what the fuck is up with this character? Snuffy seems like he is obviously a male, but has the prettiest boy eyes ever. Snuffy is also the imaginary friend of Bird. This means, yup, you guessed it. The fact that you’re a fucking nut job who talks to themselves is because you too have a Snuffy to talk to, but guess what? That big fucker is only in your head and no one believes in them but you. You’ve become delusional and paranoid. Probably schizophrenic as you’ve gotten older, and once again, this can be traced back to Sesame Street. Its not right what the Evil Henson has done to you, but the fact is, its happened. They make pills I think, but chances are you’re still gonna be fucked up forever.

Oscar the Grouch

Good news kids, its totally ok to be an asshole! Its totally ok to be a bum! Its totally ok to live in filth off of the trash of others. And you don’t even have to fucking be nice about it! You can tell people to give you some fucking change or you’re going to follow them and plant your box outside of their home! They will give you change then! And fucking A! Who needs personal hygiene? Sleeping in garbage is fun! Your mom told you not to do it because she’s an evil whore! What? You don’t like my personal life choices? Well you can fuck off! Its my life and I’ll make of if what I fucking want to! You don’t own me, and neither does anyone else! Now give me a fist full of ones you twat, I’m starting to sober up and that will make me become violent! You don’t want that, do you you bitches? I didn’t think so! Aaaah.. Vodka.

Do you see how he has corrupted society? Can you really deny hard evidence? There are lots of people who have followed in Oscar’s footsteps. They’re called the homeless. Every time I see a homeless person with their sign, I just want to light them on fire! Where do they find all the cardboard? And the sharpies? Every time I need a sharpie, I can’t find one. This angers me greatly. Mainly because they have one and I don’t. One time I asked a bum for a dollar, he said to fuck off! I told him he was an ungenerous ass clown and would burn for eternity! Know what he called me? A republican! What the fuck is up with that? I fucking hate these people with more passion than I have for my hatred of Apple Computers. Fuck these guys. If you give them money, you’re as big of a douche as they are, because you’re contributing to their survival. Soup kitchens? Homeless shelters? Same thing. All you’re doing its letting these people survive. Why? What purpose do they serve? None. Let them die and burn their bodies as fuel for some factory that provides jobs and Nikes. How fucking hard is it to make that executive decision. Free Health care for ALLLL!!! No. FREE DEATH TO THOSE WHO DON’T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES!! *cheer!* I should be president, I could run this bitch so well.

Grover

Grover was the man, so shut the fuck up. Grover was the only one on this show that didn’t have mass amounts issues. Other than the drugs. The idea of becoming a drug addict was first introduced to us by Grover who was always in some kind of fucked up psychedelic haze. I mean, that motherfucker could fly at times. And it was apparent when he did NEAR and FAR that he was at least a speed addict. The truth is, Meth was created by Grover, and that’s not ok. But it is a notable achievement by this blue furred monster. Some of you may be young, and not really remember Grover, who was forced to take a backseat to the emergence of Elmo who has since stolen the show.

FUCK ELMO

Elmo is not the real deal, he is a cheap impersonator of Grover. I personally do not stand for this kind of bullshit. Everyone knows that in a grudge match to the death, Grover would take Elmo hands down. So why did Elmo become popular? He had a gay lisp of course, and as we all know, with the acceptance of homosexuality in modern culture thanks to shows like Ellen and Will and Grace, we now have to let someone’s awesomeness fade so a homosexual can take his place. That’s what Elmo has done to Grover. Its not right, its not ok, but that’s how the world has worked.

Some of us however, are still old enough to remember the awesomeness of the drug addict formally known as Grover. He was awesome and he really showed drugs in the positive light that they should be cast in.  Just remember, he could fucking fly. Beat that bitches.

Bert and Ernie

The emergence of homosexuality on television did not begin with bull dyke Ellen, or even that ass pirate Will from Will and Grace. No no, its started here.  It was blatant and disgusting. You know how there is an argument of “I was born this way” and all that sort of bullshit? Like let the puppy moo? Ya, you know, born different. Dood, you’re not fucking born different. You’re born the same way as everyone else is. You are not born to be a cock munch, you chose to be a cock gobbler. That’s ok, you’re allowed. Hell I don’t have a problem with it, if you wanna take it up the tail pipe, power to you. But you’re not born that way. You get it from Sesame Street. You found yourself associating with Bert and Ernie. They were in the bathtub with the rubber ducky and you went MMMMM! That looks FUN! And then you adopted the lifestyle and chose to be that way forever. Whatever the fuck, I don’t give a shit, I really don’t, just don’t try and force feed me your bullshit, k? As any reader of my blog knows, the only thing that pisses me off about the whole gay topic is the upsetting loss of Portia. PORTIA!!!! COME BACK!!! WHY GOD!? WHY TAKE HER FROM US?!

Fuck you Bert and Ernie. You taught Portia to love Ellen. And every straight man in the world will hunt you till the end of your fucking miserable days for that one!

I need a moment.

 

I’m back, sorry, I just went and cried for about an hour. I feel better now. Moving on to our final point.

Cookie Monster

I heard they’re calling him the snack monster to match with a more politically correct point of view. Apparently they have realized that this notorious fat ass has taught all little kids in the world that it is in fact, ok to be obese. But fuck you, its too late! 40 years of cookie gobbling has already set the standard. But cookie can’t help himself right? Why? Because cookies are fucking awesome, that’s why! You can understand it. How do you take a guy who has lived off of cookies forever and make him eat something else now? You can’t its even more wrong then his teaching children that obesity is acceptable. Do you know Europeans don’t watch Sesame Street, and that’s why they’re so much thinner than Americans? That’s because as children they never had Cookie Monster influencing their eating habits. Why don’t kids want to eat their dinner? Because Cookies are better, and he can live off of them than so can they! This is all Cookies fault! Damn that fat fuck to hell!

So there you have it. The reasons you’ve been ruined. There’s still time to change your heathen ways, and I suggest it. So thank you Jim Henson, and thank you PBS- you’ve made us all retarded homosexual drug addict 400 lbs. schizophrenic land monsters who are going through an identity crisis. The American Dream. You Assholes.

Stalkers.

I dedicate this next blog to a fellow I know. He is a stalker and he knows it. He freely admits that his favorite past time is to break into the home of a pretty single girl, and watch her bathe. His favorite pickup line is, “Can you tell me if this smells like chloroform?” He is truly a creepy stalker from the pit of doom, and so, it is to you, Attmay, that I dedicate this blog. Note: His name has been changed to keep my ass from getting sued. Enjoy!

Stalkers are dangerous obsessive people. How do I know? Because I fuckin know shit, alright? Strap in, bitches, its time to rodeo this shit to a stand still.

So you’re asking yourself how I know so much about stalking and stalkers, perhaps you find this a bit concerning as we get ready to dive into the abyss of truth. Well allow me to explain, once more to you, as I have done to the cops so many times in the past. as I have explained to my priest. as I have told the FBI. Fuck it, never mind. I have officially stalked people, more than one, and continue to do so often. I have been stalked, therefore I know what its like, and I know the signs to look for. Its scary, I’ll tell you about it.

I met her, it was a Tuesday. She was a delightful lass, with summer in her hair and the ocean in her eyes. Instantly I of course, became attracted to her. Then she started to speak, and do you know what I realized? This woman is smart, funny, attractive… she is an intellectual on the same brain wave that I am. I, the critic, have met someone who could be… the girl of my dreams. But lets not get ahead of ourselves, self.. lets get to know one another first. Of course self. And so we did, I asked her out, and she said YES! Amazing! The Critic scores a date! So I picked her up, she looked amazing, she smelled amazing. I won’t name any names, because that is an unprofessional thing for an experienced writer such as myself to do. Plus I’ve been sued too much. I do, however, happen to have a picture of her still, so I’ll use visual aids.. because its not a real blog with out them, in my mind.

So, we’re sitting at dinner, and things couldn’t be better, we smile, we laugh, all the signs of a good going date are there. I, being the supreme gentleman that I am, would never assume more than a good time with a pretty woman, but the next thing you know, she’s inviting me back to her place. Thinking we’ll just have a drink, maybe watch some Grey’s Anatomy, and talk and laugh some more, I of course accept. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing I know, we’re both panting from exhaustion, still smiling of course, and the night cap was a wondrous event.

I won’t lie, I was not proud of what happened.. to an extent. I mean to say, it was not my intent, but it happened, I mean, I’m not ashamed of that, but that it happened so fast. Right. You believe me, I know it.

So a few things came up, and it took me a few days to get back to her, as sometimes in my line of work as a superhero can be taxing, and she did seem a bit relieved to hear from me at last. I was elated she was interested in seeing me again, our second date… it was much different.

So, once again, I opted to pick her up from her place. She greeted me with a smile, but it didn’t seem quite right. Nevertheless, we hugged, exchanged pleasantries, and off to the restaurant we went! We sat down, ordered a drink. Then we ordered our meal. That was when the interrogation began. The smiles faded and suddenly I was worried. What have we done wrong, self? I don’t know self- this is your fault though! No it certainly is NOT! It sure is, whatever she’s bitching about, its cause you did it. Apparently it took too long to reach back out to her. I desperately explained that my job, as a kryptonite bleeding superhero takes a lot out of me, and I was just busy is all, but she wasn’t buying it. Was there a reason I chose to wait so long other than the truth? No, of course not, I am not that kind of fellow! But here I was, being belittled and yelled at, and I hadn’t even received my sarsaparilla yet. What the hell. Then, something happened. She smiled, sighed and said “I’m glad that I got that off my chest! I love you!”

what.

This date officially sucks, and I’m ready for it to be over. I dropped her off at her house, tried to tell her I was tired but she forced me into the house. I did not know what to do, and I was being held prisoner! She hand cuffed me with these grotesque medieval shackles and I was forced to perform for my life. I should have won an Oscar. I left as fast as I could as soon as she was asleep.

I avoided her the next day, but 2 nights later she appeared on my doorstep in the middle of the night. First off, I don’t even know how she found out where I lived, but I’m a bit scared. I shooed her away with a shotgun, she laughed, calling me silly. I threatened the police, she called out love, and sped away in her car. Every night for the next 4 months she was outside of my window, trying get in. Trying to peek in to see if I was awake. She would call at the glass, “I know you’re there! I see your car in the driveway, cr1ck3e!!” I was huddled in the hall, where there were no windows. I was crying.

I would see her random places I did not expect. Like public restrooms, restaurants, the park, my window, my basement, closet, at the hair salon, in the strip club. At football games, hiding in a cabinet. All sorts of places. Always with this crazed look. Thankfully, eventually, she moved on with her life and I was safe.

I came out of it alive and safe, but you might not. That’s why its good to know what you’re up against. The following is a tutorial to educate you so you too can survive.

Having a stalker is kind of like having paparazzi follow you everywhere. Before I became a successful doctor of the truth, I was actually famous archeologist, and this led to having a lot of stalkers. The story I just told you, was only one of my stalker stories. There are many. However, paparazzi are much more obvious about it. They follow you just like a stalker, yes, and they take your picture a lot like a stalker, yes.. and there are generally many of them at one time, which if you’re a hugely successful archeologist like I was in my former profession, well this too is similar. They make you uncomfortable. Same.

Sometimes they’ll break into your home and steal videos of you, or your clothes, or your laundry, or your identity. Its really all too unfair a thing to have to go through, but what can be said is it is quite unpleasant, but if its happening to you you’re probably pretty damn awesome.

Know Your Foe

There are certain things to look at when starting to date someone new. The way they dress, their mannerisms, their car, their  eyes. What kind of job do they have? Do they have a beard? Why? Do they look like they would scare children? Why? Do they like cats? WHY?! Lets explore.

Dress Code

Dress code is a simple one. Trench coats are a dead give away to someone who is creepy unless they are a lawyer or stock broker. If they aren’t and the sport a trench, well then they’re a stalker. Fact.

Furthermore, if they look like this guy here, like they’re ready to rip it open and show you their genitals at a moments notice.. well that sort of mannerism is also a dead give away to the fact that they are indeed a stalker.

The Car

What kind of car they drive is important. Seeing a creepy guys car is easy to spot a mile away. Here it is. A single person, driving a van. What do they need a van for? They don’t other than kidnappings. I know, you’re thinking this doesn’t really happen in the REAL world, but it does. Ford makes a mighty fine van that can be used for all sorts of things. But in the private sector, in suburbia?  No. You see them as transport. You see them as work vans, but you never see them owned by a random guy. Its not like you buy one for power. Or speed. Or to snag a hot date. Or to haul shit. If you want to haul shit, you get a truck. If you want a date you get a flashy car, like a Lambo, or a Jeep.

The worst is when you see an illustration like our first picture, come to life. YES IT DOES HAPPEN! I really wish you’d not argue with me like this, its frightfully discouraging. After all we’ve been through, you can still find it in you to disagree? That’s ok, I have the truth on my side, bitch! I took this from a spy cam I have set up in town my office window.

Beware of these people, now that you know for fact they exist.

Creepy Eyes

Creepy Eyes are a dead give away, folks. If that’s not obvious, I don’t know what is. Another thing you need to do, is WARN YOUR CHILDREN! Just like with ghetto ice cream vans and free candy… someone like Mark Wallberg from FEAR can meet your daughter and then you’re screwed, because the maniac is coming after your family.

Stalkers don’t have an age limit, and they are normally janitors at the local park, pool, or public school. Remember that one, kids. These fucks are scarier than your bff breaking up with you because she saw you kiss Billy at lunch. AND YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFYING THAT IS!

But to you who read this and are an adult, you should know that we’re not targeting kids here, its you who we stalkers go after too. If you meet a guy who looks and seems normal.. except those eyes.. Think twice. The eyes are they gate way to the fucking soul, if they are creepy looking, then you can bet your soul is darker and more twisted than my tiny black heart.

CLOSE YOUR

DAMN WINDOW

BLINDS!

 

Enough said.

Finally, remember, stalkers are resourceful and resilient. In fact, with the times we live in, they can find you easily and readily. Thanks to Facebook. You think you’re safe to use a site such as Facebook. Hell, I use Facebook, so do you. If you didn’t you’d probably never know about my blog. Thank you for using Facebook. But the simple truth is, you can’t hide.. when your every move is on the interweb. They know what you’re doing and where you are.. why? Because you check in. Because you tell the world you’re going to Miami for vacation. Because you catalog your entire life online, you have, in turn, made a stalkers job easier. This day and age is easier for so many professions. Cab drivers and delivery men.. because of GPS. And stalkers as well.. because of Facebook. I was going to insult Myspace, but even someone as socially uncool as me knows that no one actually uses Myspace anymore, so I avoided it.

Remember these things for your safety. Don’t end up with mass amounts of popularity driven stalkers like me. Trust me it is flattering not very much fun to deal with. Now, go forth, armed with the truth, and watch every shadow, listen to every footfall behind you. Because that person is probably following you.