That Time of Year

Its that time of year again. Fall is upon us and in full swing as the temperatures drop and my anger at being some place that is not only a land locked hell hole, but cold to boot rises. So it is then, now, that I prepare to enjoy my summer a bit longer, and take a vacation to some place much warmer. This poses a serious problem for me. Normally I would pop out a blog or two in the last week of every month, but i will be gone this time. So I needed to get busy. So I got busy, and took a nap. This is what I do best.

The other day, the cold had zapped my ipod so terribly that I thought it was broken. I couldn’t even get it to charge. Honestly, i was a bit upset, for I did not want to go out and buy a new one. Then I got to thinking. Self, I said… Self, what if we don’t buy a new ipod! But self, we said, Self, we NEED the ipod! It has out loads of music on it, and how can we be complete without music? We cannot, self. We’re fucked, and doomed to buy a new ipod, for we must have music.

Then a single word came to my head. ZUNE. Really? A Zune? Why not? Its not as expensive and I bet it works! So I asked around. Apparently, the zune is like Santa Claus. Everyone has heard of it.. but no one has actually ever. EVER! Seen a Zune. I at least, did some research, and found a picture of one, which I have for you here. You’re welcome. Apparently, they are in fact REAL and someone out there uses one. His name.. is Bill Gates. He’s the only one.

Someone once asked me why I hate apple products so much. Its not that they are bad products. I have to tell you, no, its not the product itself. Its the grotesquely over priced dollar signs that come with whatever product they’re pushing that are a turn off. Like if you’re getting ready to go down on a chick and she tells you she has Herpes. There’s no coming back from that. You can no longer enjoy said activity. Apple products are like Herpes on a hot chick. What a buzz kill. But the person you see here told me that Microsoft products are better. I’m inclined to listen. If you don’t want to listen, then you’re likely blind. Or dead. But I couldn’t find a zune to play with to find out if they are any good, much less better than an ipod. The moral of the story is however, that when I got home, my ipod started to charge, and i was once again able to play all my music, AND angry birds. No zune for me on this upcoming vacation. Though I am reading an educational and interesting testimony of the truth which I think you’ll like, and I will review it and give you the facts of it upon my return to the land locked hell hole. That is for another day though. So for today, I'd like to address something that comes with this wonderful time of year.

Elections

Its election time here in America and the candidates are in full swing trying to persuade us to get their vote. I’m going to discuss this today, because I want to. And I write what I want. The end.

What right do I have to talk about this? What experience in this area do i have, i mean.. really. None. Well no, that's a lie. When i was much younger, I actually ran for the president of the school. You see, the thing is, I was defeated. It was a devastating loss, and a huge blow to my ego. I  became a recluse for about 47 years after that. I grew a beard, and my hair got long. Then I started mailing bombs and I… well Nevermind. Needless to say, my knowledge into the political realm is based in a terrible loss at an early age, and so I’ve been studying nonstop for all that time, and I’m ready to make my political entry into the world. Watch out Sarah Palin, I’m coming for you! No really, not anything mean like, just wondered if you wanted to go out sometime? I really like you. Like LIKE you.

I’ve been asked to post something political for a while. Here it is. Enjoy!

As I said, it is this lovely time of year that we find every politician trying to get our attention, trying to steal our votes. They kiss hands and shake babies, and they want YOU to vote for them! This leads to catchy slogans, posters, radio ads, news spots, and television commercials. Everyone does it, Republicans, Democrats, Tea Partying Rich White People, and Even the ENGLISH! Yah, freaky, huh? I know it. I KNOW RIGHT!?!?

Right. 

Seems one of the biggest things that these advertisements contain is a righteous and awesome slogan. Lets take for instance, the last presidential election, where, John McCain ran on, “I’m a War Hero, and Sarah Palin is FUCKING HOT!” That didn’t work out so well, which I’m still baffled to this day as to why it didn't. His opponent, our fearless leader, used two words. Hope, and Change. The real change was supposedly not that he is a black man. Though I’m not convinced. That aside, it was a catchy tune and it got stuck in the head of enough idiots Americans to get his righteous self elected! Kudos for Hope and Change! I wonder, as I look back on that election, if that's what he calls Michelle's boobies. Hope and Change. I once dated a girl who called hers Arizona and Colorado. I’m not sure why, to be honest, but it was awesome. I myself preferred Arizona, because that was the left chesticle and I am right handed. Being a young lad at the time, I could not fathom the idea of using BOTH HANDS AT THE SAME TIME! It was too much effort, and I had not the skill to perfect that move. Oh well. Arizona. Le sigh.

So Obama wins over McCain. You can say it was for hope or change or the fact that he was black, or you could say it was because of his awesome ability to use advertising to its fullest potential. Look at the posters. His big dumb head in red WHITE and blue. Irony? Oh yes. McCain didn’t put up his picture. Not sure why. He should have though, and also, he should have had Sarah pose in that awesome bikini I showed here on my blog some time ago. (Right here would be the perfect time to say it was such and such entry, but in honesty, i can’t remember. But she was in a stars and stripes bikini, holding a gun. Hot. ahh fuck it, I'll just repost.)

There, reposted. You’re welcome.  Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, Sarah Palin being hot. McCain did not embody this in his advertising. Sex sells, but not if you don’t sell it. So now we get to deal with her being a member of the tea party. Which is kind of ironic if you think about it, since, she's one of the fore most popular female politicians right now and she's a girl. And what do little girls do at a young age? THEY HAVE FUCKIN TEA PARTIES! I can hear it now. Oooahh. Yah. My running mate will be a MAVERICK.. his name, is MISTER BEAR! *clapclapclapclap* Meanwhile, bull dyke lesbians in politics.. roll their eyes. Mr. Bear says to fuck off, Hillary!

So fuck off.

After the posters, we have the awesome power of political persuasion. It seems every person runs on the same ticket though, when you break it down. It reads like this: Vote for me, because I rule, and my opponent flosses his or her teeth with the hair off a llama’s scrotum. The time is now though, I think, that I, dr. cr1ck3e, phd. embrace my true political power. Its time, I run for office. Which office? Yes, that one. The main one. El Presidente de Estados Unidos. Lets start with a slogan!Check that out, it could totally be a bumper sticker, tee shirt, or poster. That is an excellent way to start. I will also go about with a different approach than Johnny Mac. I will not call everyone “my friends” because, in honesty, they’re not my friends. Nor will they every be. Chances are, they don’t even like me much, nor do I like them at all. Its a wicked game of chess we play, but we smile at each other even though the thought of inviting them to dinner turns my stomach inside out. 

Now for the really great banners, and a kick ass slogan. Because his opponent is Satan. Vote for cr1ck3e. YES! You see, this embodies every political slogan of all time. Vote for me, because I rule and he sucks. I mearly have the bravery to put into words what every candidate is afraid to. I call the person who dares run against me, the shittiest thing I can think of, and that's Satan. That's just how I roll. It will get the attention of the entire globe, soon, I will have supporters in every corner saying, you know, I think if he’s telling the truth here, we really should vote for him, because lets face it.. i mean.. I for one don’t want the devil to be MY president!!

This will scare the living shit out of every idiot pig fucker American into voting for me! Huzzah for the power of persuasion! Here lies a problem for many a candidacy for office. Your history. As we all know, I have a colorful history that includes but is not limited to; a lot of shit. Thanks to facebook and the real power of the internet, my opponent will find unflattering things about me. And he will them use him in his advertising.

Damn it all, you stupid asshole! How did you find this?! **This is the dialog heard by my advisers as I see these advertisements pop up everywhere. All is in ruin, my political campaign is in serious trouble. Then, some whip from Harvard says look, fuck the Scottish Terrorist thing. It was a long time ago, and we can swing this to our favor! It shows that you’re willing to do ANYTHING to get the job done that needs to be done. This is the kind of drive that America needs in a President. We can still do this, PLUS lets talk about his history in politics, show how he has helped the shaping of the world with the power of his words, and the strength of his determination! Yes! This campaign is not dead, we’re just getting fucking started now! So new advertising emerges, and this time its not criticizing the person I will eventually defeat, no no, its capitalizing on my greatness.

 

Its beautiful, its well received and the campaign is back on track! Thank God! Its not over yet, Satan, this bitch is just getting warmed up. You may have been able to confuse that hoe Eve, but you’ll not get me, and I won’t let you hurt the mass amounts of uneducated dip shits American people! Now that we’ve got this train rolling, the questions of, what experience does said cr1ck3e have?! emerge.  So, we answer them about my long life of political helpfulness, and not my high school defeat.

Truth is, as you can see from this picture, that I started my political career, my successful one, with radio commentary in the 1930’s. This was before the days of television, obviously, but it was here that I honed my speaking abilities and over all bravery, for one does not have to face the crowd when speaking on the radio.

It wasn’t long before my speaking was highly requested. I went from place to place, even other countries to speak to them about the importance of liberty, justice, nascar, boobs, and self respect. And also, why they should always always always, listen to Americans, for we are always right no matter what any other place in the world has to say about it. People listened, and they believed! This picture was taken in the 1980’s. I’ll admit, this crowd totally loved me.

Through out the years, my speaking grew ever more easily. The crowd could see themselves following me, which makes this candidacy make even more sense. Here, you see me with unkempt hair, this was in the 1960’s and I wanted these people to see me as one of their own, so I just rolled out of bed and threw on a suit and spoke to them about going to the moon.

After winning the stoned hearts and minds of  hippies everywhere, I focused my attention on the war raging in Vietnam. It had to end, so in the 1970’s I was able to persuade then president Nixon, to end this tyrannical war that was plaguing society. After he announced in a speech, which included “the purpose of announcing that today we have concluded an agreement to end the war and bring peace with honor in Vietnam and Southeast Asia, thanks to my colleague, dr. cr1ck3e, phd.” This photo was taken when I was getting on Air Force One, with President Nixon. We had done it!

The ability to work a crowd into a frenzy for country, not just political party, but COUNTRY is one that is note worthy of any politician, and as you can see here, using a great deal of speaking emotion in the 1940’s I really perfected the art of doing this. This brought change to the world. Hope and Change. Really.

 

So now that my political past has been fully revealed, and the support is growing, what I need now are people endorsing me wherever they go.

So I started by having shirts made. This seemed a good way to catch every day folks eyes. Walking down the street and they are inevitably thinking of the upcoming elections, and hmm whom do I choose? Well look there, there’s a person who believes so much in that powerhouse politician cr1ck3e that she has a SHIRT! I WANT A FUCKING SHIRT! and it spreads. Not like wildfire. Wildfires only happen in California, where the beautiful people are. Where the celebrities are.

  So I asked myself, which celeb endorser should I get to follow me? Well any of them really, because dipshits American’s are obligated to follow the example set by retards celebrities. So I found the hottest smartest most desired highly thought of sexiest intelligent idiot celebrity I could find who, naturally was already a follower, and wanted a shirt and would wear it all over Hollywood. My thanks to Megan Fox, not only for believing in the changes that can be made by me for this country, but being awesome in bed a good friend.

Though the campaign is now in full swing and things seem to be working out great, there is always a possibility of failure, that the devil will win the election, and all that is good and right in the world, and.. you know, me, will be defeated. So, like every politician, I have a sound, sturdy, back up plan.

That's right my friends, the ultimate 2012 survival plan by yours truly, is becoming a pirate. Many people have said to me, why be a pirate? In fact, I know a few people who plan to run to the hills. Not I, matey. Nay mine plan starts with commandeering a ship. And then I put together the remainder of my crew. You see, the crew has already started to form, already I have one fellow who only has one eye, and another willing to lose a hand. No one wants to give up a leg yet. We’re working on it.  But why be a pirate? Well since society will likely collapse in 2012 (if I’m not elected) then, the only way to deal with said lack of society, is to revolt against all society in general. There are also perks to being a pirate which are not available to the rest of the public. 

For instance, Pirate chicks. Pirate chicks are only interested in Pirates. I’m sorry to all the guys out there who fancy themselves as something OTHER than a pirate. You see there’s something truly magical about a pirate chick. They’ll drink, they’ll fight, and they.. well something’s we’ll keep private. Pirate chicks rule, and if you can’t see that with your own two eyes, then lemme poke one out and give you an eye patch. it is only THEN that you will see clearly.

Booty

1. Pirate treasure, plunder or other ill-gotten gains.

2. Butt, ass, specifically female posterior.

(courtesy of urban dictionary.com)

That’s right bitches, booty means treasure. Bet you thought I was talking about Kim Kardashian or something, didn’t you? 

Well maybe I was! The simple fact is, not only do Pirate chicks love pirates, but the non pirate chicks with nice booties love a pirate who appreciates booty. its a delicate balance of life and power, pirates use their power to obtain.. booty.

You can guess on your own which booty that is. The simple fact is, booty obtains booty. Its part of Man Code, and it is part of Pirate Code.

Now you’re probably thinking to yourselves. Fuck sake, this man is a genius! (duh) Only, why would he be telling us his plans that sound so amazingly great? Now I wanna gather my buddies up and start a pirate crew of my OWN!! AND sail the Caribbean and obtain.. booty. So why would he give away this secret of wisdom?

Well its simple, my friends. I tell you because I am certain that your pirate ship will be weaker than mine. AND I have already found some booty. AND!!! Goddamn it, I need some competition to blow the fuck out of the water. So if you really want to go against me, you’d better be ready, ye salty dog, fer I ain’t tae’n no prisnars. Yar!

Those who wish to become part of the crew, tryouts are always on going. Please send your emails.

Thank you, and happy voting!