Critique: Dune Pt. 2

You know what's funny is that even though the covid hysteria has been gone for a while - Hollywood still seems reluctant to churn out movies the way it used to. I've noticed there hasn't been dick to go see at a fuckin theater for a while. Maybe those rich fuckwads are all concerned because they think the superhero movies aren't as much of a drawl as they to be. Or maybe it's just because all us normal people who have to pay out the ass to go to the movies  are tired of seeing the same old rehashed bullshit in a cape? Nah, that can't be it.

Onward.

If you have not heard of Dune then you probably lived under a rock and if you get offended by that truth then the rock probably hit you on the head when it crushed your house. For Fuckssake this book was written in the late 1960s. It was so popular that it spawned a series of books. The bad news is, other than the first one (Dune), the rest of the books were hot garbage and you can throw that shit clear away and only focus on the first one which was about 10,000 pages long.  Seriously that author was proof that lightning can strike only once and that someone with a good idea should not try ti branch out sometimes.  It would be like if the guy who invented steak also invented blenders ans then decided we should blend the steak into a smoothie.

Anyway, that book is really fucking long so maybe you want to watch the movie(s).

Way back in 1984 David Lynch made what has been the definitive edition to this story. Starting Kyle McLaughlin and STING. I like Sting, his name is a noun and a verb. Beat that, bitch!

There was one in 2000 that was awful and starred nobody you've ever heard of. So don't bother.

Which brings us to today. Denis Villenueve has now taken this 10,000 page monstrosity and if the rock you live under allowed for cable you saw that shit show up on HBO back when you weren't allowed to leave the house that got dropped on you. If you haven't seen it yet.. fuckin seriously how many times do you have to hear you should watch this shit before you finish reading what I wrote?  To be honest with you, Bob, I can only drop so many obvious hints that you should have already watched some of this by now. If you haven't done it then you're probably just a fuckin asshole who's trying to piss me off before you say, "what? What did I do?"

Goddamn it man.

Anyways, part 2 is in the theater. Let's dive in.

Like the 1984 version, this movie starred a person with a one word name. It's Zendaya which isn't as cool as a name like Sting but she has better tits. And she won't be watching me.
Main character is Timothy Chalemet who is young and has curly hair and the women probably love him. He's also the guy from SNL that when YEET SKRRT. which is probably his finest moment.
The first movie spent much of the time trying be the 1984 version with better graphics. They also pronounced words different. Probably for the sake of being different.

This new one however. They did some badass shit.   The graphics were cumtastic and they did something the 1984 version didn't- They had more character development. I know, I threw up in my mouth by typing it. But when you have a 100,000 page book broken into 12 hours of cinema you actually have to expect it to have some fucking development. It's not too much to ask, think of, or expect. 

You know the best part of having to sell a kidney to go to the theater now is ther they have reclining seats for these long ass epic movies such as Dune. It makes perfect sense because I think about the fact that I sat through all of the lord of the rings in an old school movie seat and it reminds me that it was more fun to piss blood than it was to sit in those chairs. The bad news is I'm running out if body parts I can sell to afford the movie going habits that I have.

This one is worth losing something important for to see. Not like a testicle or anything but something that doesn't matter as much. Like your fuckin liver or something.  You should go see it. The acting is good, the characters are good. The special effects are fucking awesome.
The story is fucking amazing. Now remember, if they try to make the rest of the story into movies its going to be as rough as raw doggin a tiajuana whore who still has needles in her arm. But this one is good. Like an expensive hooker kind of good. It's really long so you don't have to worry about anyone like your wife bitching at you for not raking the yard like you promised to do back in October. You lazy piece of shit. Do your fucking chores.

5 out of 5 skulls. 

The Return.

What up motherfuckers?! Yeah, I’ve been gone a while. You might be asking yourself, where the fuck has this motherfucker been? The answer is..

None of your goddamned business, bitch. No seriously though, its not. Fuck you, no I’ve been busy. Shit man, winter can be a bitch like that. You go up, do some snowboarding, drink a little, take a nap once or twice and the next thing you know you’re masturbating to the most fucked up porn you’ve ever seen in your entire life and its April. What the fuck just happened? 

Who cares though, lets talk about something great.

Lets talk about real life. Can you handle that shit? You’d better get ready because its about to happen, bitches!

I’ve been in the REAL world. Real life. its fuckin dark and scary but I returned and in by doing so, I can help you understand real life too. And since I bring you the truth, as in that’s my pretend job on the internet that makes me millions of theoretical internet dollars..  Let’s get this shit rollin down hill. Ready?

Are you tired of people looking at your bitch ass like you’re a piece of shit who hasn’t lived in the real world?

Are you a little shit that wants adults to treat you like an adult?

But you’re so, like, grown up, and stuff. What the heck? Well its time to learn the secrets of being an adult. Until you do these things there’s no way you can convince anyone you’re actually a grown ass adult. They are simple things. So take notes.

How to Know You’re an Adult

by the critic

Rent a Car

That’s right, rent a car. It’s not as easy as you think. Renting a car is a fine way of establishing yourself as completely grown. Look first, you have to be a certain age. Typically like 25 fuckin years old. On top of that shit, you have to have a credit card.

By themselves, those things will not establish you as an adult. Anyone can have a credit card, and not all 25 year olds are adults. This is a fuckin fact. God knows I wasn’t one. Yet eventually I rented a car.

Renting a car is fucking great. You get this car, typically its something you would never own or think to own. Like a Toyota. Or a Nissan. Seriously, with all the cool fucking cars and wicked ass rad jeeps in the world, why the fuck would you want a Toyota. Yeah, its true. Sorry, Prius fucks.

But you’ll get this car and it may be the shittiest, slowest, dullest car in the world but you can drive that motherfucker like you stole it. Drive it hard. Like you’re Vin Diesel or something. This ain’t no fast n furious shit though, this is real life.

And this real life will cost you. When I rent a car, I try and make sure I rent it for a week or so, this usually costs a couple hundred bucks. But a couple hundred bucks to buy your freedom of having a badass luxury midgrade sedan? Fuck yeah. Camry’s for motherfuckin LIFE. So rent that car, pay the piper and drive that shit hard. Why? Because while you’re proving you're a responsible adult by having a credit card and making it to a certain age to where you can shell out a shit load of money to rent a car, you can balance that shit with adolescent behavior by driving it like you’re 12 on a go kart track.

Go on Vacation…Alone.

No bullshit. Vacation alone or with a significant other is a big step into adulthood. Seriously, going on vacation with a family member and/or parent.. that shit isn’t the same. Its simply not. With a family member, especially one who is older than you, you will always have that someone who you can ask for help in making or completely leaving decisions up to. When you go it alone, there’s just you. That’s not a bad thing.

Do as I did. Go to Mexico and go that shit alone. It’s a  fuckin trip. That shit is so easy too. A few grand in greenbacks and you’re on your way to one kickass vacation. There’s booze, there’s Mexican hotties, and there’s a whole lot of choices on what the fuck you’re going to do the entire time you’re there that only you can make.

That’s fucking grown up, dude. Seriously. When to sleep, where to sleep. Whom you’re going to sleep with. Food, booze. Decisions.

Vacation by yourself is even a great time to rent a fucking car. Two birds with one fucking stone. Besides, taking a vacation with your moms is pretty lame, son. Grow the fuck up already.

Move

Fucking move. Seriously, just get the fuck out of town. And by out of town I mean out of town. Cross country, cross state. Across town won’t fuckin do it. I’m not talking about must moving out of your bedroom and into the basement at your moms house you pansy little bitches. I’m talking about the real deal. And don’t pussy out and spend money and get movers. That’s too fucking easy. Get a U-Haul and do that shit yourself. There’s nothing like having to drive a U-Haul across state in a fuckin snowstorm. While you’re doing it, there’s awful music because it’s not like even if this shit was equipped with a cd player, you would be able to use it. When was the last time you had a CD? Seriously. So you’re cruising the stations on the radio trying to find a random good station. If you live in a bum fuck no where state like me, then you get a whole lot of shit that’s not in English. Fuck.

Then you’re trying as hard as you can to drive careful because you know, all your shits in the back of this truck. Then add a snowstorm on top of that.

It doesn’t get more real than that shit. Its legit adult shit.

You might be saying that I am wrong. That these are not the quintessential things that will make you feel grown up and shit. But you’re wrong. There’s nothing more adult than these three things, I guarantee you that.

“But critic, what about having kids!?” Fuck you. FUCK YOU I say. There’s nothing adult about fucking or having fuck trophies. ie. Kids.

But how can I defend this stance? With facts, motherfucker.

In 2012, there were 29.4 births for every 1,000 adolescent females ages 15-19, or 305,420 babies born to females in this age group.^[1] Nearly eighty-nine percent of these births occurred outside of marriage^[1].

Where do I get random factoid shit like this from? No, its not the never wrong Wikipedia.. this time its from the U.S. Government. The Department of Health and Human Services, to be exact. Don’t believe me? Look that shit up.

The point is, boys and girls, there are things which are typically thought of as very adult or grown up things to do. Like having kids or drinking. But these things will not make you an adult nor make you feel “grown up”. No, there are few things in this world that you can do that will make you lean back in the moment and say, holy fuck, this is shit my parents did when I was a kid. I’m fucking grown up now. Fuck me.

I’ve done these things. I know.

Fuck me.

Kick ass movies that should be in your house.

I’m pretty fucking obvious with my titles. What I should have named this blog was “Titty sprinkles and catnip” Then all you motherfuckers would be like oh shit what is this? But no, I did the obvious thing because I’m not a tricky asshole. I’m just a straight up asshole.

So the title says what we’re going to talk about. That’s right, bitches, I’m going to do straight up real life critic shit. Are you shocked? You should be. Lets get this monkey fuck on.

I’m not just “A critic” I’m THE motherfuckin critic. So that means I have not only the right and the privilege of telling you what to do and or think, but I get to do it with a condescending tone that makes me seem like a bigger asshole than I really am.

That’s not really true. I couldn’t ever write just how big of an asshole I am. Be grateful we’re not face to face on this shit.

So kickass movies. What makes a kickass movie? It’s a movie that kicks ass. And sometimes also ass kicks. That’s what we’ve got today. Look, the reality is, between DVD, Bluray and Netflix, there is no fucking excuse for you to NOT have these movies in your home.

They’re glorious and gory. They’re fuckin entertaining, they’re fun to watch, and just an all around good fucking time. So why wouldn’t you own these movies? Maybe because you’re a pussy.

Well suck it up bitch tits, it’s time to let your balls drop and start acting like a real man.

Starship Troopers

Who’s in it? A whole lot of people who don’t matter. There’s a hot redhead, Dina something or other. IMDb that shit if you want more answers. There’s Michael Ironside who you’re like who the fuck is that? Its Jester from Top Gun. And there’s Denise Richards. She did this movie, she did Wild Things (which you loved) and then she did Charlie Sheen. Apparently his winning spelled the end of her career. But she had a nice spread in Playboy. The movie also has NPH before he became Barney. Post Doogie. It was a strange time for him.

Why’s it fucking cool? This movie has gratuitous violence in it. There’s violence for the sake of being violent. There’s death. A lot of it. There’s blood. By the barrel full. There’s a line: “It sucked out his brains.” There’s sex. Some. And there is gratuitous nudity. There’s no need for all the nudity in this movie. It only enhances the movie.

This shit came out in 1997. If you haven’t seen it, you might just say fuck watching it, I might as well jump off of a fucking bridge now. You don’t have to be that drastic though. Just climb out from the hole in which you live in and get with the fucking program. Don’t rent it because you’ll just be wasting your time. Go buy it. It used to be on Netflix too. I don’t know if it still is because the cunts at Netflix change their shit like every 45 seconds.

For the ladies? There’s lots of chiseled, hard guys. There’s a shower scene where you get some man ass. Enjoy. There’s a guy who looks like Rob Lowe but isn’t Rob Lowe.

It’s a fucking great movie that is senselessly violent and bloody and naked. Go get it.

Rambo

Hey good news, bitches. There’s a lot of fuckin Rambo movies to choose from. Four of them. What’s impressive about these movies? They improve with age. As does Sly Stallone. This motherfucker. I’m pretty sure he’s more ripped now than he was in the first Rambo movie. He was cut back then, but the bastard is just huge now.

Who’s in it? Stallone.

Why’s it fuckin rad? By now if you don’t know the story of Rambo you really should do us all a favor and off yourself. He’s the guy who came back from Nam with the worst case of PTSD in the history of medical science.

It doesn’t help that the US Government treats him.. well like they do everyone else. Only Johnny here lets them know to fuck off with a bazooka and explosive arrows.
This isn’t just a blow em up shoot em dead kind of movie. It’s also a strong case for fuck you and fuck you too kind of movie. Let’s say you’re like a friend of mine who refuses to watch older movies, then just pick up the newest one which was released in 2008. It’s wildly entertaining even if Johnny Rambo is kind of a depressing downer.

In the end, he get’s ahold of a .50 cal and fucks shit up more than your wettest wildest dreams could ever imagine.

For the ladies? As I said, ladies, Stallone is chiseled from fucking Italian marble. If you can’t get your drool on looking at a guy like that then you never will.

The Expendables

Who’s in it? Stallone, Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, motherfuckin Chuck Norris, Terry Crews, Steve Austin, Van Damage, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Randy Cotoure, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Liam Hemsworth… pretty much every badass in Hollywood. Especially when you consider Expendables 3 will add Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, Milla Jovovich, Mel Gibson, and reportedly Kurt Russell. Fuckin shit. This makes this the coolest casted set of 3 movies in the history of fucking ever. Times infinity.
And fuck you if you disagree.

Why’s it awesome? This movie is a nonstop thrill ride of everything you wish you could do in your life. I mean seriously. You didn’t grow up hoping you’d become a Walmart cashier. But it happened. You didn’t hope you’d end up working in an Apple store where you think you’re shit doesn’t stink and the company has you so brainwashed you can’t imagine any other piece of software or operating system on the planet. But it happened. And you most certainly did not aspire to washing dishes for a living. But you’re doing it, aren’t you.

No, you grew up wanting to be a gun slinging, awesomeness wielding badass mercenary just like all the fucking cool ass motherfuckers in this movie. It’s not like it was a realistic dream so you don’t have to feel sorry for yourself. But seriously, dude, you could have at least tried a LITTLE harder.

But since you’re a worthless piece of shit contributing member of society and punch a time clock the way the rest of us do, you can live out your utmost fantasies in this action packed thrill ride of testosterone driven awesomeness.

For the Ladies? You might be saying these guys are all older and over the hill but Jason Statham is in it, and lets face it. Women love him. Maybe it’s the bald head or the English accent. Maybe its every woman saw the Italian Job and he will be forever known as “Handsome Rob” – whatever the case.. bitches love him. Oh and they save chicks in the movie like they’re playing a part in some awful Bryan Adams song.

Dredd

There’s a couple different versions of this movie. We’re talking about the most recent one.

Who’s in it? Karl Urban. Sorry Sly, your run at kickass movies ends here, we’re not talking about the 90’s version of this movie where you mumbled all your lines. We’re talking about the new hotness.

Why’s it kick ass? If you’re one of those people who buys into the 3D shit, this movie was made to give you the biggest wood on the planet. Not only is the 3D over the top awesome, but the really neato special effects in this movie are done in slow motion due to a PLOT SPOILER drug people like to take that not only makes everything move in slow motion, but it makes the whole world sparklie and pretty. This movie is an ocular orgasm that will leave your eyeballs panting and asking for a cigarette. Furthermore, what’s great is Dredd doesn’t take off his helmet in the entire movie. So you don’t have to see his angry eyebrows but you can surely feel them as he scowls the entire movie.

Between the bangs and booms and kickassery that happens in this couple hours of gory delight, there’s clever dialog to keep you happy. There’s a sexy blonde with a gun running around with the Judge and even she thinks that she IS THE LAW.

To top it all off, for you Game of Thrones fans out there, you get to see the beloved Queen Cercei in this movie. Not only is she a supercunt in Thrones, but she’s a wicked bad bitch in this movie as well. The really great part of it all though, is she is one UGLY twat in this movie. Long gone are the lovely long locks and the permanent condescending scowl you’re accustomed to. She traded all that in for an ugly face to match the ugly personality she so flavorfully brings to the screen.

For the ladies? Well, as I just mentioned, Cersei is ugly. That should make you happy. Also, it stars Karl Urban. Though you can’t see the majority of his face in this 2 hours of slaughter fest, you can still pretend he looks like he did in Lord of the Rings. This Xena: Warrior Princess alum has all the goods to make you swoon and carry a movie as the leading man.

And you fucking love it. And pretty guys like him. Don’t lie.

Total Recall

Who’s in it? Colin Ferrell, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel.
Sorry Arnold, though your 1990’s version of the same story was good, this one, simply put. Was better. HEEYIIIEEE!!!

Why’s it awesome? Easily put, this isn’t just a simple reboot as is so popular these days in Hollywood. This was a reboot plus a reimagining. Unlike Arnold’s version of this movie, this one does not take place on Mars with a metric shit ton of mutants running around everywhere. Let’s be straight: That shit back in the day was fucking awesome. There’s no getting around it. However, when viewing this classic scifi masterpiece one can only think it is just a little… dated. That’s the best way to describe it. Perhaps its because we’re so fucking snobbish and CGI advancements have ruined these classics for us, or perhaps its just because it wasn’t nearly as good. The story itself is very similar though and poor Colin has a mind fuck the whole time and is left wondering what the fuck is going on and what the fuck is REAL.

That’s the beauty of this movie, its not just a visually pleasing action packed moviegasm. It’s a mindfuck of the epic level that is right up there with the likes of Inception.

The fucked up thing of the whole movie is apparently Kate is trying to kill Colin, or at least he *thinks* she is and thus he spends the whole movie running from her (with the aid of the far less attractive Jessica Biel). I can believe just about anything. I mean seriously, when it comes to entertainment like this, I let myself get sucked in and I can totally see how real all of this shit could be. I believe we could have a world where this kind of shit totally exists. What I cannot believe is that there would EVER be a world where a straight man would run from the arms of Kate Beckinsale into the arms of Jessica Biel. It is a physical impossibility. Fact.

Which leaves the option of Colin Ferrell reprising his homo erotic role such as Alexander, the worlds number one kickass queer. The flipside of that coin is that he doesn’t run from Katie to Jared Leto. I mean, even Jared is prettier Jessica Biel.

All that set aside, the one great thing about this movie is much of it paid homage to the original Arnold version with the most important piece of the movie that simply could not be left out of a remake. That is, of course, the prostitute with three tits. Yeah, that shit made it from original to remake and it is as glorious as my fourteen year old mind remembers it. Hell its probably better seeing as how I’ve drank a fuck load of a lot of alcohol since I was 14.

For the ladies? Colin Ferrell. He’s attractive. He’s cut. He’s Irish. Don’t lie, ladies. All men know that all women love Colin. It’s practically written into the constitution. It’s definitely written into your handbook (“The Art of Manipulation”) and we know it to be a fact of the world which we cannot deny nor change. So we simply live with it.

Pacific Rim

Who’s in it? No one. Fucking no one. Seriously, there’s no big names in this movie AT ALL. There’s a guy from Prometheus in it, there’s a guy from True Blood, there’s a guy from Son’s of Anarchy. None of which are household names or anyone of real merit.

Why’s it fucking rad? Alright, here’s how it is. Giant monsters come out of the ocean and the only real way for mankind to fight them is to build giant robots to combat against them. This is where the awesomeness kicks in. This is a special effects orgy that will blow your fucking mind to tiny little bits and leave nothing left but cheetos.

The gist is it takes two people with their minds somehow futuristically connected and together these awesome combatants fight the giant monsters that come forth from the ocean to destroy all of mankind. Buildings are destroyed, people are killed and in the process monsters are also killed.

There’s also a no named hot asian actress who wears some skin tight tron like suit for most of the movie. This has very little to do with the almost nonexistent plot line. But it’s a nice change of scenery. It’s true, there’s not much of a plot. It’s plain and simple: Giant robots vs. Giant Monsters. How could this be a bad thing? It’s a visually pleasing movie that will blow your tightywhities off and make you scream for your mommy. And more.

For the ladies? This movie is pretty much one giant sausage fest. There’s next to zero women in it which won’t make you think about how sexist it is, but rather how happy you are to see so many dudes having a pissing contest to see who’s cock is the longest. Women love looking at men trying to decide who’s cock is the longest. Some women test each cock out (people like me call them “nice girls”) – but that’s besides the point. While guys will be drooling over the awesome destruction that is being wrought over the entire earth, you ladies can drool over the swinging dicks that populate the screen and run the giant robots. And its not like these are fat guys either. As everyone knows, fat dudes don’t sell movies and they certainly don’t control robots. They’re not even computer nerds, because in this world that would make too much sense.. No, they’re pretty men who have rockstar like personas. You’re fucking welcome.

And there you have it. Is your dvd/bluray collection complete? I’m guessing not you fucking sissy lala bitch. So put on your big boy pants and go to the fucking store and use that credit card that’s nearly maxed out and get on the fucking bull. It’s about time you start acting like a man, and in doing so you need your movie collection to reflect your manliness. Besides, if you’ve a bitch woman in your life, then I’ve even provided you with all the reasons you need in order to justify it to the Mrs. And the real kicker here? I gave you six movies titles, but in reality there are 12-14 movies to choose from. That’s almost a quarter of the amount of shoes in your old ladies closet. Now go get shit done.

The Ugliest Female Celebrity 2013

It’s that time of year again, bitches. Time where the critic puts you to the test to decide who is the ugliest female celebrity. You decide, you pick em. You vote em, I blog em. It’s a lovely thing where you give to me and I give it back like we are consenting adults in a fantastic orgy of awesomeness. So lets get down to business.

This isn’t my first rodeo, and its not yours either. We’ve been running this gambit since 2010 and it just keeps getting better. Some of the faces you know, some you’ve seen before. None, however, have ever won. Every year after every winner we crown, we then retire them. Why? Because it would be no contest for Hillary Swank. Year after year, that chick just continues to prove how heinously ugly she is. So since we’ve done this before, we know our credentials are sound.

Every year I try and change things up a bit. Because, well, lets face it… if we didn’t, things would just get fucking dull and boring. And if there is one thing we do not abide by here at the critic, its dull and boring. So this year’s voting was done in a new way. Rather than poll everyone I could on the The Critic's Facebook Page – This year I only asked a select few. These are the die hard loyal fans of the critic. I know, you’re saying right now, “But critic, I am a die hard loyal fan!” And that may be true, but these fans have done more than you. They’ve engaged me over and over again in intercourse conversation- and therefore I chose them as our voters. I like to call them:

Like a fine wine, these motherfuckers have meticulously picked apart our agonizing list of uglies to help bring you the truth in their own fashion. How is that like a fine wine? Well, its not. But to look at that many ugly girls it takes a lot of alcohol and a fine wine can help you get through the agonizing selection process. It’s a stretch, I know, so fuck you, that’s why.

Before we get any further, Let’s rehash the past a little bit and say goodbye to the former queens of the past, shall we?

2010 Winner:

Hillary Swank

The chick who is so ugly she successfully convinced the world she was really a boy in a movie. And an ugly boy at that. She’d win every year if she were still in the race, so this retired Queen sits atop her throne with hideous elegance.

2011 Winner:

Donatella Versace

A celebrity in her own mind, but a queen bee of ugly in the minds of everyone else. This fashionista proved that designer clothes do not make someone better as she overwhelmingly defeated the competition to the top of our list.

2012 Winner:

Sarah Jessica Parker

Her rise to the top was a turbulant one. From a high showing to not making the list the following year due to late entry, this Queen of the Ponies finally made her reign known to the world when she finally topped our list last year. Her four legged centaur like Queenship comes to an end, and we bid her the fuck farewell this year. Saying goodbye isn’t always easy, but in this case it certainly is.

Before we continue to the list, I’d like to address the fact that I do in fact realize that if you’re like me, you know that this list is a month late. Typically we launch this list every July. Why July? Because I fucking said so. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. This year we’re running late because, as I stated in my last blog, everything is a month behind since I moved out of my tree house and into a yurt. Once shit gets behind, it just gets behind. Deal with it bitches. I still give you the goods.

And now, lets not delay the hideous awfulness anymore. It’s officially time for:

In a world where every magazine, news station, and idiot celebrates the awesome beauty of the ladies of Hollywood, we’re here to tear that shit down. Sorry bitches, but we all can’t praise you for no particularly good reason.

Miley Cyrus

That’s right, I finally gave in. This chick has been mentioned every year and every year I tell you.. not on my fucking watch! I’ve defended her relentlessly, but NO MORE! Eventually you just have to give the people what they want and that’s what I’ve done this year.

There are a couple reasons she made the list though, which I think are noteworthy. Firstly, she’s fucking retarded. So if you want to base this shit off of “ugly on the inside” – here you go. This ones for you. Also, I find it ironic that this year she was named the sexiest girl alive by Maxim.

Dear Maxim,

You got it wrong.

-critic.

Yeah, firstly, how did they get it wrong? Well lets look at her mouth. She might look good with a dick in it, but seeing as how you’ll never know.. all we can say is.. the bitch has too many teeth. Her mouth looks like its straight out of criters.

Secondly, she’s not the curviest girl in the world, and therefore with her hair cut she looks like another ugly female celebrity: Justin Beiber. They both must have planned this godforsaken haircut after watching VH1’s where are they now, because both of these idiots adopted their style from another idiot long before their time. Vanilla Ice. Yeah, the style died out like 20 years ago for a reason, kids. Let it stay dead.

Amanda Bynes

This one really is for you fucks who say, “Beauty comes from within” and all that bullshit. Let me tell you something about that, my mom always used to say “beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight to the bone” And that’s the real truth. But this chick used to be pretty, and seeing as how this year we’re only using somewhat “relevant” celebs, this year she fits the bill. You have a successful pretty girl who in her prime of her career pulls a Charlie Sheen and goes off the fucking deep end. Chick’s got issues, its true. She’s fucked up. But the ugly within part is true too. Saying shit on twitter like “I’m only friends with hot people” – Good news bitch, we’ll be friends someday when you descend into hell where you’ll burn for eternity. The same hell which I will inherit once I die. Because as we all know, Satan is just waiting for me to show up so he can retire.

Furthermore, bitch, you’re not that hot anymore. The drugs, the donuts, man, you let your shit go. And it’s a goddamned shame. Because she was hot at one point in time, and she just .. isn’t anymore. Poor bitch, your ugliness straight from the bone came out and took over your skin. Welcome to the list, whore.

Susan Sarandon

This isn’t the first time poor Suzy has made the list. 2 years ago she made the list as an honorable mention. As we discussed then, she’s always looked 65 even when she was 25. But for a twenty five year old, she looked like a damn find sixty five year old. I’ve noticed something about this pinko commie cunt, and that’s the older she gets, the bigger her tits get. Unfortunately, the more gravity has taken effect on them. Sorry, Suze, but the reality is, you’re too fucking old to dress like Britney Spears. You never quite had the best of goods, but you really don’t have them now.

I fear the day that this senior citizen decides to do a full frontal scene just to make us all want to burn our retinas out. On that day, I may have to take a rusty spoon and dig out my own eyeballs.

There’s nothing worse than an ugly chick who acts like she's hot. EXCEPT an OLD ugly chick who acts like she's young and hot. Awful. Simply awful. And I’m a tit man too.

I couldn’t do it, not even for the money.

Kristen Stewart

Kristen is a continual visitor of this list. Thus proving that she hasn’t done anything to change her hideous looks. I myself would vote her the ugliest celebrity out there, but my vote doesn’t rule this blog. This one time a year I don’t get to play dictator. I was watching HBO not long ago and the movie “Snow White and the Huntsman” came on. I saw this movie in the theatre. It was…ok. Just ok. If you cut about 2 hours out of it, then its better. Those two hours of worthless in the middle, yeah, those are good for a nap. But the one thing that really bothers me about this movie is I’m watching Charlize Theron repeatedly say “Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all” and the mirror says,

SNOW WHITE, BITCH!

Who is played by Kristen Stewart. And every time I hear that, I think, NOPE! NOOOOOOPPPPPEEEE!!! First off, lets say you disagree with me and you’re like, ‘oh critic, K-Stew isn’t ugly!’ ok, lets say for just a minute that you’re right and I’m wrong and that she is in fact pretty. (for the record, I am not wrong, you are, she’s ugly) But for fun, in this make believe world where she is pretty, SHE STILL IS NOT AS PRETTY AS CHARLIZE THERON. No way, no how. Even the scene where Charlize is dying (coincidentally I am crying) She is STILL prettier than Kristen Stewart.

Not to mention the bitch can’t act. Seriously, I’ve seen pieces of cardboard that have more personality than her. I saw on youporn’s celebrity section that had some movie where Kristen showed her tits. I don’t remember the movie, go to Mr.Skins.  - she shows her tits, and I looked, I won’t lie. Bad news though. Even with a shirt off.. she’s still not attractive. You have to be seriously ugly as a woman to not make this guy here pop wood when he sees your tits. Shit, a light breeze can make me pop wood.

She’s that bad.

Madonna

This bitch is not only ugly, but she makes me angry. This is a chick who was once upon a time, a pretty woman. And a whore. But a pretty whore.

I FUCKING LOVE PRETTY WHORES

They’re like the bread and butter of my sex life. Easy girls who are pretty are the best. The very best in the world. Madonna was the perfect example. Pretty. Successful. Whore. Fortunately for me, I never had sex with Madonna, and I wouldn’t now, of that you can be sure. Her vagina is so used and worn out, I’d fall in. God knows what you’d find down there too.

Its so far stretched out and massive that it actually has its own zip code. It did have its own area code till the guy that fell in finally died of old age.

Because lets face it, not only has she gotten hideous, but Madonna has gotten OLD. Jesus, she has gotten old. She’s not as old as some things. Like for instance: dirt. Dirt is older than Madonna. Fire. Fire is also older than Madonna. But the pyramids are actually 6 years younger than her. Her vagina is actually older than fire, but not dirt.

Man, it just makes me so mad that this bitch didn’t take care of her shit and she got ugly. Its like adding insult to injury. How ugly is she? Well, anymore she looks like Skeletor is trying on a skin suit. That pretty much sums it up.

Toni Collette

Poor Toni. As you can see here, this chick like every other one on the list thus far, can have a good picture taken of her. Have you noticed a trend here? Yeah, we’re showing you the magic of airbrush versus the reality of ugly. Pretty rad huh? Yeah, I fucking said rad. Let that one soak in.

Toni could have been a pretty girl if not for her dog face. The reality is she’s the kind of girl who looks ‘Ok’ at best when her make up is professionally done. Did you see her TV show? The United States of Tara? It was ok. In this show, she played someone with multiple personality disorder. This is where the cooky entertainment came from. One of the characters was a guy named buck. Basically she wore no makeup when she was Buck. This is the proof that you need.

This chick is really ugly enough to be a dude. No, not some pretty dood like Prince or Jude Law when he had hair. No, she was not just a dude but an UGLY dewd. Poor bitch. She is a helluvan actress, I gotta give it to her. But sometimes talent can’t out weigh looks. And her looks are deplorable on an epic level. Woof-woof, Toni. Love you, but I wouldn’t touch you if you were my only option for pussy.

Lady Gaga

Here’s a bitch who gets noticed every year. From honorable mention all the way up to second place, but our constant bridesmaid has not had the stock to jump to the top of the list. However, her stock did rise a little bit this year as she has moved up one slot from fifth place to fourth. This chick just can’t catch a break. Know what it is about her? She’s like a female version of KISS.

She can be best described as weird. Just simply weird.

But you know what really annoys the piss out of me about this chick? She’s really not all that ugly, per say. She’s ugly because she does it to her fucking self. She tries to make herself ugly. I should applaud her for this. And I do. However, the viewers, the readers, and the critic’s private reserve has continually disagreed with this sentiment and she continues to be called ugly. But why is she ugly? Because she does it to herself.

There’s no other explanation. This is a chick who tries to be ugly. Like a modern day Courtney Love or something. Except Courtney did it with drugs. And it was the 90s. Shit was weirder in the 90s.

Gaga, its not the 90s. And no one finds your shit attractive. You know you have it in you to be continually airbrushed, fucking DO IT. It worked for Britney Spears, it can work for you. Seriously girl. Try. Just try. Nothing is more ugly than a woman who doesn’t even try. So ladies, if you’re not trying with your guy or with the guy you’re trying to make yours… get a fucking clue.

Oprah

Oprah is a rare exception on our list this year. She’s been an honorable mention before and I’ve avoided saying too much about her because she has more money than the rest of the world combined (sorry Bill Gates) and under advisement from my lawyer, I’ve avoided her like like the plague. BUT NO MORE!

Goddamn this is one ugly bitch! And she not only owns 13987423498723 houses, and a tv network, but now she has the number one movie in America too. That’s right, this ugly lady from the abyss continues her quest of world domination by breaking into cinema. Note to self, don’t watch that movie. Ever. In the history of the world. Times infinity. Pi.

Here’s the crazy thing about her though, most of the ladies on this list have looked good in their lives AT LEAST once. Not the big O. Not even with the help of all the airbrushing and photoshopping in the world can this lady look good. In fact, with airbrushing you not only see just how ugly she is, but you see the true evil that courses through out her entire being. That’s all I’m gonna say about her.

I wouldn’t fuck her with Kicking People in the Taco's dick.

Nicki Minaj

Up 2 spots form number 4 last year, Nicki continues to make her climb. She fell short this year by two points. What points you ask? Of the people polled, I gave them the list and they numbered them 1-10. Then after all of the Reserve voted, I added each number for each lady thing and took the scores GOLF RULES. So lets mock this, Oprah may have gotten 2 2’s 5 8’s and 1 1, but her tally was the third lowest. Therefore she came in third, and Nicki has come in second. That’s right bitches, I used some science and MATH to do this blog. You should be impressed that I put this much effort out there for you. Send brownies. But Nicki is another entry much like Lady Gaga. She purposely TRIES to look like shit. I mean, seriously, I find it hard to believe that she would try to be as ugly as she is, but she does. What’s worse is, underneath all that bad make up, awful clothes, and shitty hair.. there’s really a truly ugly girl. At least Gaga has a minor, very minor semblance of a decent looking human under all the weirdness. Not Nicki. What’s under it all?

Mrs. Potato Head.

Seriously. I suppose the gimmick of making ones self uglier works when you are truly naturally ugly kinda works.  Because everyone assumes there’s really a human being under all the nastiness. But with Nicki, there really isn’t. Though she may try to look pretty with photoshop and airbrush, there’s really no helping her.

If you like her music, you could say the one saving grace is the fact that no one makes music videos anymore so you never have to actually SEE her. But that’s a stretch. Even her voice sounds ugly if you ask me.

 

 

Whoopi Goldberg

Shocked? Well you shouldn’t be. Is she a celebrity? Fuck yeah. Loved her ass on Star Trek, and Captain Planet when I was a kid, but even then there was no hiding how hideous this chick really is. Her standup was great back in the day. Truly great. But now what does she do? The View.

FUCK THAT SHOW

Have you seen it? Of course you have. Basically its just old ugly bitches sitting around discussing their personal opinions like most celebrities do. Only, they preach that shit to you. They preach it like it’s the gospel of the Lord and you’d better listen, you’d better agree. Why? Because if you don’t you’re a false idol following, cow worshiping, heath devil pagan.

God forbid you should have a fucking opinion in your head that matters. No, Whoopi is as bad as they come. She’s never been attractive, but her ugly insides show true on the view as she pecker slaps you repeatedly with her worthless opinion.

Man Code #4932671B: Only give a shit about a woman’s opinion if A. She’s your source of getting laid. 2. She’s hot.

Whoopi is neither. So her ugly ass can take her over inflated View of herself and shove it up Barbara Walters ass.

You earned this Whoopi. As much from your attitude as your looks.

The people have spoken.