The Return.

What up motherfuckers?! Yeah, I’ve been gone a while. You might be asking yourself, where the fuck has this motherfucker been? The answer is..

None of your goddamned business, bitch. No seriously though, its not. Fuck you, no I’ve been busy. Shit man, winter can be a bitch like that. You go up, do some snowboarding, drink a little, take a nap once or twice and the next thing you know you’re masturbating to the most fucked up porn you’ve ever seen in your entire life and its April. What the fuck just happened? 

Who cares though, lets talk about something great.

Lets talk about real life. Can you handle that shit? You’d better get ready because its about to happen, bitches!

I’ve been in the REAL world. Real life. its fuckin dark and scary but I returned and in by doing so, I can help you understand real life too. And since I bring you the truth, as in that’s my pretend job on the internet that makes me millions of theoretical internet dollars..  Let’s get this shit rollin down hill. Ready?

Are you tired of people looking at your bitch ass like you’re a piece of shit who hasn’t lived in the real world?

Are you a little shit that wants adults to treat you like an adult?

But you’re so, like, grown up, and stuff. What the heck? Well its time to learn the secrets of being an adult. Until you do these things there’s no way you can convince anyone you’re actually a grown ass adult. They are simple things. So take notes.

How to Know You’re an Adult

by the critic

Rent a Car

That’s right, rent a car. It’s not as easy as you think. Renting a car is a fine way of establishing yourself as completely grown. Look first, you have to be a certain age. Typically like 25 fuckin years old. On top of that shit, you have to have a credit card.

By themselves, those things will not establish you as an adult. Anyone can have a credit card, and not all 25 year olds are adults. This is a fuckin fact. God knows I wasn’t one. Yet eventually I rented a car.

Renting a car is fucking great. You get this car, typically its something you would never own or think to own. Like a Toyota. Or a Nissan. Seriously, with all the cool fucking cars and wicked ass rad jeeps in the world, why the fuck would you want a Toyota. Yeah, its true. Sorry, Prius fucks.

But you’ll get this car and it may be the shittiest, slowest, dullest car in the world but you can drive that motherfucker like you stole it. Drive it hard. Like you’re Vin Diesel or something. This ain’t no fast n furious shit though, this is real life.

And this real life will cost you. When I rent a car, I try and make sure I rent it for a week or so, this usually costs a couple hundred bucks. But a couple hundred bucks to buy your freedom of having a badass luxury midgrade sedan? Fuck yeah. Camry’s for motherfuckin LIFE. So rent that car, pay the piper and drive that shit hard. Why? Because while you’re proving you're a responsible adult by having a credit card and making it to a certain age to where you can shell out a shit load of money to rent a car, you can balance that shit with adolescent behavior by driving it like you’re 12 on a go kart track.

Go on Vacation…Alone.

No bullshit. Vacation alone or with a significant other is a big step into adulthood. Seriously, going on vacation with a family member and/or parent.. that shit isn’t the same. Its simply not. With a family member, especially one who is older than you, you will always have that someone who you can ask for help in making or completely leaving decisions up to. When you go it alone, there’s just you. That’s not a bad thing.

Do as I did. Go to Mexico and go that shit alone. It’s a  fuckin trip. That shit is so easy too. A few grand in greenbacks and you’re on your way to one kickass vacation. There’s booze, there’s Mexican hotties, and there’s a whole lot of choices on what the fuck you’re going to do the entire time you’re there that only you can make.

That’s fucking grown up, dude. Seriously. When to sleep, where to sleep. Whom you’re going to sleep with. Food, booze. Decisions.

Vacation by yourself is even a great time to rent a fucking car. Two birds with one fucking stone. Besides, taking a vacation with your moms is pretty lame, son. Grow the fuck up already.

Move

Fucking move. Seriously, just get the fuck out of town. And by out of town I mean out of town. Cross country, cross state. Across town won’t fuckin do it. I’m not talking about must moving out of your bedroom and into the basement at your moms house you pansy little bitches. I’m talking about the real deal. And don’t pussy out and spend money and get movers. That’s too fucking easy. Get a U-Haul and do that shit yourself. There’s nothing like having to drive a U-Haul across state in a fuckin snowstorm. While you’re doing it, there’s awful music because it’s not like even if this shit was equipped with a cd player, you would be able to use it. When was the last time you had a CD? Seriously. So you’re cruising the stations on the radio trying to find a random good station. If you live in a bum fuck no where state like me, then you get a whole lot of shit that’s not in English. Fuck.

Then you’re trying as hard as you can to drive careful because you know, all your shits in the back of this truck. Then add a snowstorm on top of that.

It doesn’t get more real than that shit. Its legit adult shit.

You might be saying that I am wrong. That these are not the quintessential things that will make you feel grown up and shit. But you’re wrong. There’s nothing more adult than these three things, I guarantee you that.

“But critic, what about having kids!?” Fuck you. FUCK YOU I say. There’s nothing adult about fucking or having fuck trophies. ie. Kids.

But how can I defend this stance? With facts, motherfucker.

In 2012, there were 29.4 births for every 1,000 adolescent females ages 15-19, or 305,420 babies born to females in this age group.^[1] Nearly eighty-nine percent of these births occurred outside of marriage^[1].

Where do I get random factoid shit like this from? No, its not the never wrong Wikipedia.. this time its from the U.S. Government. The Department of Health and Human Services, to be exact. Don’t believe me? Look that shit up.

The point is, boys and girls, there are things which are typically thought of as very adult or grown up things to do. Like having kids or drinking. But these things will not make you an adult nor make you feel “grown up”. No, there are few things in this world that you can do that will make you lean back in the moment and say, holy fuck, this is shit my parents did when I was a kid. I’m fucking grown up now. Fuck me.

I’ve done these things. I know.

Fuck me.