Easter

Easter is that special time of year that depending on who you are, you celebrate something.. likely it is something different. This is, of course, because no one in this entire goddamned planet can agree on a single thing.. except for one.. following the critic is the only way to certain survival in the coming zombie apocalypse. And so without further gilding or lily..

Today I ask you to open your bible. You open it to page.. oh lets see.. How about page 100. Dead fucking even.

“12. Avoid Urban Areas: No matter what your chances for survival are during an infestation, they will undoubtedly drop by 50 if not 75% when traversing an urban area. the simple fact is that a place inhabited by more living will have more dead. The more buildings present, the more places to be ambushed. These buildings also decrease your field of vision. Hard cement surfaces, unlike soft ground, do nothing to muffle footsteps. Add to that the chances of simply knocking something over, tripping over debris, or crunching over broken glass, and you have a recipe for a very noisy trip.”

So now you know. I hope you’ve been doing your homework you little bastards, else you’re likely going to die.. then rise, and then I have to put you down again. I’m not shy with the shotgun, and I shoot from the hip like a motherfucker. So be prepared.

Moving on.

Easter is that special time of year that’s celebrated by every last motherfucker on the planet. Except China. Granted I know there are a lot of Chinese people in the world, and each installment of the critic you see here, I desperately try to get broadcast IN actual China. That doesn’t matter though, we’re talking about the civilized world now, so lets get on with it.

I’ve celebrated Easter in one fashion or another for the majority of my anger stained life. Because of this fact, I’ve forced myself to study the traditions which you likely just carried out in your home not but a few days ago. With that knowledge comes questions.. questions that need answering. And today, I will present them all to you. Perhaps we will discover the answers together.. but perhaps not.. for only time will tell..

Those credentials sounded like I wrote that shit as some kind of professional writer would, huh?. Regrettably, the critic does not get paid for this. No bitches, this motherfucker will add all kinds of truth to you free of charge. I would say it was from my heart, the goodness of it or some shit, but lets face it, if I did have a heart, there would be no goodness in it. So with that said, lets throw a some fuck out there shall we?

Ahh that’s better. On with the motherfucking show!

Easter is a church holiday. This means some things for all of you. First off, it means that stores such as the Home Depot will not be closed on this day, because though God is celebrating, business can not take another day off a year for God. He already gets Christmas after all. So not only are cool big box retailers open, but so are things such as McDonalds. And you know how this motherfucker right here loves him a fucking big mac. So it’s a holiday.. kinda. You don’t get to take off work for it, which makes it not as great as Christmas but hey, what do you fuckin want anyways? If you want to take a day off just tell your boss to go fuck themselves like Charlie Sheen did. It’ll work out.. swear.

So because religions can’t agree on anything, Easter is first off a major knock by the Christian’s towards the Jews. As if the Jews needed more people hating on them. Well, Christians are good at it.. Mainly because of.. well Easter. You see for all of you who don’t know, you’d probably better wake the hell up and smack yourself. Christians believe in Jesus, who was killed by the Jews. That’s the Reader’s Digest version. If you want to know more, you may wish to consult your local church, or Priest, or maybe even the bible. No, you shit bag, not the The Zombie Survival Guild bible.. the real one. The Holy Bible.

Damn it man, its like I have to teach you everything.

Well to further their knock on Jews, since the Jews killed Jesus, Christians will do all sorts of things to piss off Jews. Such as.. Well the traditional meal on Easter for instance. Its ham. Since Jews don’t eat any kind of pork, don’t you think that was just a cold blooded slam on the Christians part? I know I do. Bickering, it doesn’t solve shit. Except for everything.

Now, as I’m about to go into the Jesus section, I was warned that I should not say the J-word in the same sentence as dropping the f-bomb. So we’re gonna try out a different word:

Do you feel as good as I wish I did? Ok fuck it, lets bring the pain. Remember, no Fbombs. Watch this shit. Shit, I shouldn’t say shit either. Well fuck.

In Christian Theology.. Here you have the messiah of the Christian faith, a guy named Jesus. Now Jesus was a Jewish man, who was born of God and a virgin. He doesn’t look Jewish in any picture of him that’s ever been painted, so I just picked a random one so you’d know who we were talking about here. The second picture is your stereotypical Jew, just to show off how weird it is that pictures of Jesus look the way they do. Just saying.

So Jesus was going around teaching people how to be good Jews. Better Jews than they were and furthermore, he claimed he was the messiah. This didn’t settle well with the guys in charge so they plotted against, and ultimately executed poor JC by nailing him to a cross.

Good Friday

I’d like someone, if they will, to explain to me the idea of “Good Friday” – this is the day in which Jesus was crucified. Ok lets go through the turn of events that leads up to poor choice of names.

A good Friday for me consists of maybe getting off work early.. then getting some grub.. maybe relaxing, and who knows, perhaps some beer. I would say the comfort of a woman, but lets face it.. I write and shit. Chicks don’t come after this. Get real.

But yeah, that’s a pretty good Friday for me, and I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking it’s a good Friday for you too, because how could it NOT be.

The well known religious day Good Friday.. was a much different kind of day…

Jesus got together with his friends. His closest, most trusted friends. There they hung out for a bit, then they ate and drink wine. So far so good.

Then he tells his good buddy Judas that he’s going to betray him. Judas of course denies everything and then, like a douche, he does it anyways. The bastard.

Jesus goes to pray for a bit, because that’s what the son of God does, right? So he goes off to pray and there he is met by a bunch of Romans who are there to arrest him, of course, because his “friend” gave him up to the 5-0. That’s a ..jerk.. move, this day just got worse.

From there he is put on trial, he is tortured a bit, the Romans give the Jewish leaders a chance to save him, they say NO! and he is then nailed to a cross. He then dies.

For more detail, again, refer to the bible, or if you are too lazy to read there’s a movie about it, made by Mel Gibson before he went insane.

So that’s “Good Friday” – now, can someone please explain to me how THIS is a good day? You hang for a bit, get a drink, have some food, pray and are then tortured and ultimately executed. This is not a good Friday, this is what I would call a very, very BAD Friday. Its not just me, right?

Three days later, Jesus raises from the grave and so on, and ascends into Heaven. We call that Easter. That should be called Good Sunday, shouldn’t it? I mean really, that’s a pretty awesome day, but you don’t need to make up some weird name for it. Just call it Good. That pretty much summarizes what kind of day it was.

So, the Jewish holiday is Passover, where they don’t eat pig or stuff, they put lambs blood on their door to make sure the spirit of death passes over their house, the Christian’s fight back with their own holiday of Easter, or Good Sunday.. and celebrate with, but not limited to.. the eating of pig. Its like the crusades will never end, I swear.

Now, from the ashes of a Jewish holiday rose a Christian one, and from all that comes how we see Easter in a non religious atmosphere, how the world views it (minus China, you remember)

That’s right, from all that of a story we get:

A bunny who hops around and craps chicken eggs everywhere.

What the fucking shit is going on? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with our world? How the fuck shit did we get a bunny who leaves colored chicken eggs everywhere? I read the Wikipedia article about who bunnies are sacred or some bull shit, and how Catholics will refrain from eating chicken eggs or some nonsensical bullshit. Seriously though, some twisted fucked up mind thought ok, lets take the Jewish holiday where we make sure the angel of DEATH passes over us, and combine it with the Christian Holiday of the savior of the earth dying for man kind.. and what do we get?

Fuck I don’t know, I’m really high. A bunny who craps out eggs. Haha! Yes! And we’ll celebrate it, because the bunny is a cock muncher who not only brings eggs like he’s the Santa of eggs, but he’s gonna hide them too! That’s right bitch, if you want an egg, you gotta find that shit first! And then later we’ll eat a chocolate bunny rabbit. SCORE!

This just goes to show you how fucked up of a society we live in, the world is really a fucked up place.. and so it is fucked as well. I think whomever thought up the bunny definitely had to be high. Its just not right. If you can logically explain to me how we go from those religious ideas to a rabbit shitting eggs and hiding them, I’d like to hear it. Because for me.. it just doesn’t make one goddamned bit of sense.

Regardless. Happy Easter, or Good Sunday, or Passover, or Bunny Crapping Chicken Eggs day.

I guess.