Aliens.

I can’t believe I haven’t fucking thought of talking about this before now. But apparently, one has to wait until the time is right. That time is now. We spend a lot of time here at the critic talking about the zombie apocalypse which will occur this year, but there is another, greater threat which we need to address. Illegal Aliens. They’re coming, they’re unwelcome, and since this is always a hot presidential topic and my campaign is heating up.. now’s a good time to address this shit? Are you fuckin ready? NO YOU’RE NOT GODDAMNED READY! No one is ever ready for heavy shit like this, which is why I’m going to bring it on slowly. First we’ll talk about…

That’s right, bitches. With this installment comes another campaign promise fulfilled. Here we are ready to tackle the art of survival once again and todays passage from our bible comes from page 144. So open your bibles. Hurry up already!

11. Underwater Battles

Never forget the possibility of ghouls stumbling into nearby water before you declare an area secure. Too often humans have repopulated “cleared” zones only to be attacked days, weeks, even months later by zombies who have just recently found their way back to dry land. Because the undead can exist, operate, even kill in a liquid environment, hunting them may require occasional underwater warfare. This can be extremely hazardous, as water is not the natural environment for humans. The obvious problems of breathing and lack of communication, mobility, and visibility make an underwater zone the most difficult for hunting the undead. Unlike escaping by water, in which you have the advantage over them, searching and sweeping this ALIEN environment will tip the balance firmly in a zombie’s favor. This does not mean that an underwater hunt is impossible. Far from it. Ironically, its difficulty has been known to keep hunters more alert and focused than in more familiar environments. the following general rules apply to any successful subaquatic hunt.

Now its time for the homework assignment. Read and learn the next points that will help you be safe. There will be a quiz on Tuesday, bitch.

So now its time to get real ladies. Let us talk about aliens and their illegal presence. How do I know anything to make me an expert on this? Easy, I have credentials.

I’ve been studying aliens since I was first abducted in 1974. They made a movie about it, called fire in the sky. Maybe you’ve seen it. It was terrifying. Not the alien part, the fact that I was found in public nude was terrifying. Why the fuck did the aliens want my clothes? I’ve no fucking idea, but I’ve not gotten a date since then, and THAT bugs the shit out of me. It could have also been that thing with the goat that did it. Fuck you, I know what I’m talking about, just you wait and see!

Aliens are assholes. Especially the illegal ones. And they’re all illegal ones. No, my friends, I’m not talking about those cunts who snuck across the border from Canadia. I’m talking about real live aliens.. coming down from the sky and “making contact” with us.

Like I said before, we spend a lot of fucking time talking about the zombie apocalypse, but we don’t ever talk about these invaders. This is something you really need to think about for a minute. Everyone wants to make contact with some kind of life out there. Some intelligent life form. We’re actually excited for these fuckers to get in their cool ass space ships and fly to us and say.. why hello humans.

WHY?!

Am I the only one here with a brain? Have you ever stopped to think about how BAD of an idea this really fucking is? Fuck no you didn’t, and you obviously never paid any goddamned attention to the movies either. As we all know, most movies are based on books, and books are the best source of true information in the world excluding wikipedia. So the rule of thumb here is, if its in a book: Its fucking true. Learn that.

Now there’s a common trend with most alien stories. Alien’s like to abduct shit. If you’re a moron that means kidnap. Its like they get to fly here and say “I’ve got candy, help me find my puppy!” And before we can say “my mom said no..” they grab us and throw us in their predator van and drive off! Then SOMETIMES if we’re lucky, they let us go, and in my case, nakedly. If we’re not lucky, we’re gone forever. What do they do with us up there? Typically its molestation. That’s right, they are molesters and will burn in the pits of hell for all eternity because of it. Why does a molester freely let us go? Because they know no one will believe us. You say I’m crazy, and well, yeah ok, I know I’m crazy, but you also know this shit makes perfect sense.

They like to steal. That’s right, these cocksuckers come here, and not only are they fucking uninvited, but they they take shit that doesn’t belong to them. This is like your friend Tito who always takes a snickers from 7/11 every time you’re there. It’s not his, and while you paid for your shit, this piece of shit klepto  just does it like its no big deal. Aliens are like this. The come here and they take shit that doesn’t belong to them. Like cows. Who the fuck would want to steal a cow anyways? Fuck these assholes, if this isn’t enough to tell you that they are not, nor should they ever be welcome here.. then stay tuned, I’ve got more proof for you, twat!

Ever watch an alien movie? There are many to choose from, lets hit up a short list, and this will further illustrate just how fucked up and what dickwad aliens really are.

Alien, Aliens, Alien3, Alien Resurrection

I’m gonna slam these four together since they’re all of the same franchise. Here you have space explorers who find aliens that latch on to your face and lay eggs inside of you. Sounds like molestation. Then you think you’re fine, you’re eating dinner and BAM! The pain strikes! What pain is this? This is the pain of the fucking alien bursting out of your fucking chest like its one of those fake cakes at a bachelor party and it’s a stripper ready to snag some hard earned dollar bills through shaking her ass and showing her tits. Let me warn you now: IT IS NOT A STRIPPER! This fucker grows up into an even better kind of alien. The kind that has no emotion other than that of murderous rage. What’s worse? Its fucking good at it. So unless you’re good friends with Ripley, I’d suggest keeping away from anything that wants to latch on to your face. it might be an alien, it might not. Better to not take chances.

Predator, Predators, Predator 2

Here’s a nice lil guy with a cute face that comes to the earth for one reason and one reason only. To make friends.

NO IT’S NOT! He comes here to fucking kill us all! Only he’s a sadistic fucker and wants to do it one at a fucking time! Once again we have another asshole who feels murderous rage, because why? Because we’re fucking here, and he’s superior. He’s got superior weapons, tracking, and fucking skills. Unless you’re Arnold. And lets face it, you’re not.. Unless you really are Arnold, and in which case if you’re reading this, WHAT UP MOTHAFUCKA!

Seriously, this is the guy who is looking to steal your wallet in an ally, not because he needs the money, but because he’s just a fucking asshole. You don’t want to see him, you don’t want to deal with him. Most of you pussy fuckers don’t even want to acknowledge his existence. Yet you’re ok with aliens coming to the earth? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Alien vs. Predator, AVP2 (Requiem)

Yeah, this franchise was awesome.. in the first movie, but the second one sucked. Mainly because they said it was in Gunnison, CO. I’ve been there. Have you? If you haven’t let me explain what you’re missing: ________________________

That’s right. Nothing. Because Gunnison sucks a Rhino’s cherry. So fuck that place. But it took place in a jungle. Which isn’t Gunnison. But whatever, I digress. Here we have the total disregard for the human’s once again as these two come to earth for one reason and one reason only: MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!! Yah that’s right, human’s are such insignifiCUNTS to these fuckers that they feel the need to defile OUR planet with their sport. Well fuck them! If they aren’t welcome alone, they aren’t welcome together, goddamn it! Still want visitors from another planet to show up? Because this merry go round is just getting up to speed, better hold on tight!

Antarctica

Yah that’s right, I said it. This place is the bane of earth. Alien’s go there to fight each other, its cold as fuck and there’s really nothing there worth going for. Every movie that takes place there, something bad happens. People kill each other. Aliens kill people. People freeze because its fucking awful. You know. I know that this seems a bit out there, but you know I’m fucking right. Fuck that place. It’s a breeding ground for bad shit which includes aliens. I say again: fuck. that. place.

Mars Attacks!

Yeah, here’s another prime example. Little men come to our planet, they run around with a recording saying “We’re you’re friends, don’t run!” at the same time they are FUCKING SHOOTING US AND KILLING OFF ALL OF US! Seriously, why the fuck would anyone want to meet aliens? The only logical explanation is: You are suicidal.

And if you are, can you do us all a favor and just off yourself.. some of us enjoy life and don’t want to be molested and or killed by aliens. Thank you, and piss off.

War of the Worlds

Another perfect example of why we want aliens to visit us. So they can use their advanced weaponry and machines to capture and kill us, and stomp around like they fucking own the place. Are you starting to see just how much aliens are assholes here? Yah, they don’t own the place and they stomp around like they do. Nice guys. Its like inviting someone that you hate and in turn, hates you.. to a party. They’re not going to be nice to your shit. That’s what aliens do.

Independence Day

Can’t really talk shit about this one. I mean, cmon… how much would you bitch? That said they wanted to kill everyone else too. It’s a catch 22. I know.

Now if you’re like me and you’ve read all this, you’re probably quick witted and have already thought of a retort. Which is ok, because I’ve already thought of a retort to your retort, motherfucker! That’s why I am the critic.

E.T.

Yah that’s right, another unwelcome visitor. They were probably looking for some people to molest or cows to dissect but simply ran out of time. And one was too retarded and got left behind. This is ET. Look, you say he was nice, he was friendly, which may have been true, but what did he want the whole goddamned movie? To get the fuck off of this rock. PHONE HOME GO HOME fucking shut up already. Its your fucking fault you’re here, why do we have to listen to you bitch, and if you can make a bicycle fly and shit, why didn’t’ you fly your ass up to your ship as it was flying away? Fuck this guy. He’s the worst kind of jerk. He’ll go to your party, smile, talk, eat your food, drink your beer, and then on the way out and give you a wink and be like, “Your party sucks dick bro. Never coming to another one. Bet no one else does either.” Well fuck you, man, and fuck you ET! I happen to like it here (well not the land locked hell hole but you get what I mean) I happen to like it here and have no plans on leaving. Furthermore if you land your ass in MY back yard, you’d better have some defenses ready, because I’ll shove a shotgun so far up your ass you’ll get the pleasure of molestation before your mutilation. Fuck you and fuck aliens.

And really, if they are smart enough to fucking get here, find us and are intelligent, you know we’re fucked right? That means they know how to kill us without us ever standing a chance against them. I don’t care how we manage to win in all these movies and countless others that I didn’t mention (like Battle: Los Angeles.. which kicked ass)

In the end, its always nice to see us win, but really, we don’t have a fucking chance. Regardless, I for one am taking the Starship Troopers approach. I for one will be armed and ready when the invasion happens. Will you?