The Scariest Place on Earth

There is one place that we all know. We’ve been there. We’ve seen it. And we fear it. This place is so Goddamned terrifying not even Chuck Norris would want to go to it. It fucking gets worse though, because its fucking everywhere. This is not only uncool, terrifying, and depressing, but it’s down right grotesque. Brace yourself bitches, we’re about to travel into the world of horror for todays lesson in truth. I will be your guide, but remember, you must lead if they get me! Grab a lantern, motherfuckers, this shit is gonna be dark.

I’m a skinny little bitch with no muscle mass to speak of what so ever. This means, I’m afraid of most things. Being afraid of a lot of things has empowered me to do a lot. Such as, be qualified to rate the scariest things on earth, AND not only that, but to identify correctly which places are scariest, and thus bring you the truth about the scariest fucking place on the face of this fucking planet. I won’t tell you what the scariest place about other planets are just yet, mainly because the government keeps trying to find me and keep me quiet about that bullshit. Don’t worry, when my subterranean bunker in Antarctica is complete, I will broadcast to you truths which are unimaginable, and it will blow your little fucking brains. Till then, we’ll just deal with the shit you can handle. Crendentials? They’re fuckin sound as a Goddman rock. And if you don’t agree, I’ll fucking throw that rock at your mother fuckin skull, bitch!

There, now that we’ve settled that little dispute.. I love you. For real. No I’m not lying. NO I don’t have another blog I’m seeing. Its all you baby. Promise. Swear. Now gimme that sweet sweet nectar.

As far as scary places go, theres a few you should know about before we get to the scariest. This may come as a shock to you, because you’ll soon realize just how terrifying this place is after I talk about these other quite terrifying places.

Starbucks. This place is where the devil cums and his semen is sold. When you go there, you don’t realize that the Devil’s cum is also a byproduct similar to cocaine. Its addictive, its craved, and its sold as an ungodly high amount that has no nutritional value what so ever, even if it’s a double whip low fat chai grande mocha lacha chatta caramello frappie yappie bitchie … with fucking sprinkles.  So hey, fuck you starbucks, not all of us want to drink Devil Semen! Those of us who see you for what you really are, a false idol following cow worshiping heathen devil pagan store of satanic ritualistic orgasmic liquid goodness, we, the chosen few will deny you! RENOUNCE YOU! FUCK YOU IN YOUR FACE STARBUCKS!!!!

Old Navy. This place fucking scares the shit out of me. Its easy to avoid though.. much like starbucks, you just fucking plain don’t go there. Ever. In the history of the world. x2. +infinity. pi.

Here’s the deal with this place. I’ve seen the commercials.. people are shiney, bubbley, happy, and wearing headsets. They are so fucking enthusiastic to work at old navy that I just want to shoot myself in the face with a nail gun. But it gets worse. I went there. ONCE. ONE FUCKING TIME WAS ALL IT TOOK!

All it took for me to realize that the fucktards who work in this store are exactly like they are in the commercials. I swear, this guy walks up to me and he has this grin, which looks like some hot blonde supermodel just fucked his brains out in the back room. Which you know didn’t really happen.. because he is obviously a faggot. Whatever, I digress. He tosses some shit over his shoulder while saying “Hey Timmy, will you take this to the back for me!” *toss* Timmy responds, while on the move, and with a fucking headset like his spent too much time on XBox live, “Sure thing Bobby!” As he catches it, winks at me and says, “Hi, welcome to Old Navy!” I promptly left. No one should be that happy. Ever. So fuck your fucked up commercials Old Navy, and fuck your real life stores! You won’t get the hard earned money that I might someday make. Ha! Whose laughing now, cunt!

Now you’re probably thinking, “holy shit, the critic has done it again! I must avoid these places!! but what could POSSIBLY be worse?!” Oh, shall I keep you in suspense but for a moment longer. Remember, the dangers of these fucking places are astronomical, but what you’re about to see its pure evil incarnate on the face of the planet. Beware, for you’re about to find out..

I am not 100% sure you can handle it, but I have to tell you, because you have to be warned. The scariest place in the entire world.. is….

 

Public Restrooms.

That’s right babies, you heard it here and you heard it right! Public fuckin restrooms are the scariest places on the face of the entire planet. Like a plague they cover the earth in their collective filth. Each one is nastier than the last. You’ve been there, you know it, and now that the truth is coldly staring you in the face, you’re starting to get scared. But we’re just getting started, this slippery slope of unspeakable madness may push you to the brink, so put your dinner away. Why?

Because this shit ain’t pretty.

Firstly I should cover that I’m writing this from a mans perspective. I have never been in a ladies room. Hell I don’t ever want to go in one ever. The Men’s room is far terrifying enough for me, I don’t need to find out what the other side has to deal with, so you can keep your dark secrets ladies, please don’t tell me, I really really don’t want to fucking know.

But if you think you have it bad, then lets start with our first order of business which you should understand. Urinals. They’re heinous and freaky. They also pose one of the greatest threats to a man when he enters a public bathroom.

For all you chicks who have no idea what I’m talking about, I of course will provide visuals of this terror made structure. You see we have these targets we get to piss on, which is nothing new for us.. but they are there in mass. Multiple units where multiple men can piss all at the same time. There are rarely dividers separating them, which makes the pisser have to decide WHAT TO DO! How does one survive this experience? Its not easy boys, but I’m gonna fucking tell you how, just now, so you know. Restroom related deaths are on the rise, its time you take action and not be a victim.

When pissing, the biggest danger is the person next to you, and the threat they carry just by breathing the same stench infested air you are. There are several types of people you can see here. This poses the question of: Should you notice? Does it make you a fag if you look around? The answer is: it could. Yes. The fact is, you can’t, no matter how badly you want to, look at the guy pissing next to you and say: Wassup? Despite the several interesting characters you will see there.

There's this guy, who looks worried. Like he’s scared to talk to you, and he should be. Just like you, he knows he is in a terror filled environment, and thus this is making it hard for him to piss. Ignore this fellow, you don’t want to end up like him one day, and karma is more of a bitch than the last girl I slow danced with. Can you imagine? You’re in the worst place imaginable to do something you’d rather do on a tree on the side of the road, yet you can’t piss because of the sheer terror that is coursing through every fiber of your body just because you never know who is standing next to you.

Because the guy standing next to you is the really pissed off guy. He’s so angry for no fucking reason other than he’s a major cock sucker. He looks like he would kill you if you turned your head to look at him. Why? Because he is also homophobic. He’s so terrified that if you don’t keep your eyes to yourself, he’ll physically turn his entire body, possibly mid stream, to fucking punch you in your fucking face. OH YES HE WILL! So you don’t talk to him, because you cant. You could die.

Finally for the urinal danger zone we have the guy who looks relatively happy to be there. He’s not scared of anyone, hell he looks like he is even more skinnier of a bitch than I am, and he’s half grinning like he knows a secret that you don’t. He does know a secret: there’s something awesome happening in his head now that you can never understand. So you can’t talk to him or look at him for fear of the fact that he’ll not only kick your ass and piss on you, but he might actually start giggling, pull out a machete and chop you to pieces while singing Jesus Loves Me. Fuck this guy, be most careful of him.. he’s not right in the head.

So lets break it down.

If you stare at your dick = you’re probably playing with yourself and will get your ass kicked.

If you’re staring at another mans dick = you’re gay and will get your ass killed.

If you strike up a conversation = you’re gay and will get your ass killed.

If you stare at the wall = you’re obviously terrified to be there and will get your ass kicked.

THE SOLUTION

Look the fact is, the pussy who is scared to piss is going to get his ass beat, so you don’t want to be him. The angry dickhead is too much of a dickhead for even ME to be, plus you have to have muscle to back up that kind of attitude, so if you’re like me you can’t pull it off, and will end up getting your ass kicked. Therefore the solution is clear: you must be the psycho! That may seem harder than you think. Firstly, you have to be confident and strong. You don’t have to be a physically huge guy, but you have to scare the fuck out of that guy. How the fuck does he know if you’ve got a machete hidden in your coat? Makes sense, doesn’t it. Here’s what I do, and its worked for me, as I’ve not been killed in a public pisshouse yet.

I march up to the urinal, unzip and then I say “Wooaaaahh!! This little pink hockey puck thing is freezing!!” Then I slap my hand against the wall, and looking up as if to thank God and then back down at my junk I say: “Oh my GOD! I have such a huge fucking DICK! FUCK! This thing is like 12 inches fucking LIMP!” Then I’ll look at the asshole next to me, who is visibly scared and say: “Dude check out how fucking BIG my dick is! Holy FUUUCCKKK!!”

This scares the piss out of even the “I Can’t Piss!” guy next to you. It shows them that the real danger in the public restroom is YOU! Be the aggressor and you WILL survive.

Speaking of the Urinal *cakes* – They smell awful. Horrible. They’re supposed to be there to make the bathroom smell BETTER right? MYTH! They make them smell worse. You know it, I know it, and the American People know it!

Pissing in a urinal would be so much better, far more enjoyable, AND SAFE! If all restrooms looked like this:

But they don’t. Fact.

So now that we’ve covered the first reason that Public Restrooms are not only scary, but dangerous, and thus the danger makes the scary.. its time we move on to our NUMBER 2 reason. Yah, I went there. Pretty shitty of me huh? The filth and bad jokes just drop out of my head and make a splash with you all. Ok I’ll stop.

FUCK YOU I WILL NOT! I WARNED YOU IT WOULD BE GROSS SHIITY HORRIBLE!

Now we know the dangers of urinals, but the stalls are just as dangerous. And more disgusting than the urinals. Plus side is they don’t have the awful smelling “cakes” in them. Down side, someone just sat there and you don’t know him or where he has been.. but what he did was certainly illegal in the lower 48.

When preparing for battle, it is important to KNOW YOUR FOE. The stalls prevent that. You don’t know who is on the other side, but you know that whatever he ate last night you NEVER eat it in your entire life. It could be the asshole, the psycho, or the I can’t peepee guy. Or it could be worse! It could be a terrorist, or it could be Darth Vader. Darth in the stall next to you is the worst possible scenario of all time. First off he’s a heavy loud breather. That alone makes you self conscious. But as we all well know, once you sit down to do your business in a public restroom, right when it becomes too late, you notice something. This:

All you can really think of is: fuck. So like a dumbass you have to ask the guy in the stall next to you. Worse, he’s touching what you need. Does that creep anyone out just a little? It fucking SHOULD!

What I try to do is pretend I’m not really there when someone asks me. Or that I’m deaf. “Excuse me, sir.. can you pass me some TP?” *crickets*

Works great until Darth Vader is in the stall next to you. He’s got the force remember, and the loud mouth breathing, and he doesn’t speak normally, he speaks with authority! When he says give him TP you’d better fucking do it, or you’ll end up choked by an invisible hand around your neck. “Give me your TP.. it is your.. DESTINY!”

The worst part is, in these last couple pictures you’ve seen pictures of random thrones. This is not what a throne in a public bathroom usually looks like, is it? No, its certainly not. You open the stall door, and its obviously in an act of full desperation. And you see this:

Its fucking true and you fucking know it. But you can’t hold it anymore. Its now or a level of embarrassment that you cannot live with. In a recent poll, 9.67 out of 10 guys said they’d rather shoot themselves in the face than have to admit they shit themselves no matter what the scenario is. So you brave the stall, because after all they have that dispenser that holds the toilet seat covers.

Which are NEVER FUCKING THERE! And when you really gotta go, you don’t  have time to lay out TP to sit on. Worse, if you don have time, there’s not enough TP to spare to sit on. You have to take your chances with whatever they guy before you may have left on there.

Then you get to look around and try to enjoy your time there. Well since you didn’t bring the paper with you, you might as well read all the shit that people actually take the time to write on the stalls. Or the pictures. Ladies, do you get this too? Do you know what guys actually take the time to draw? Shit like this:

No joke. Who fucking does that? Who the fuck was so bored that he decided to draw a picture of a cock on the side of a stall? I don’t know his real name, but it was the asshole who is ready to kill you because he thinks you looked at his dick. I’m 100% sure of it!  Really gets quite ridiculous as to what people do to bathrooms, vulgarity, racial hatred. All the kinds of shit that I find truly entertaining because it reminds me just how stupid the rest of the world is compared to me. I’m not saying that to glorify myself, I’m saying that to put down all you fuck rag idiots who enjoy writing on a wall that DOESN’T FUCKING BELONG TO YOU. So hey, fuck you dick wad. Maybe you deserve the fucking psycho guy to chop you up with his machete. Fucks sake man.

Know what you never see as bathroom graffiti? Something totally awesome.. like this:

Seeing this would make my day. Hell it might even make my entire week.

This is brilliant graffiti, and its also a critique which since that’s kind of my thing, I support this graffiti-er. Good job man, that fucking just plain kicks ass.

The plain and simple fact of the matter is, public bathrooms are gross, nasty, and horrible. They are the scariest place on earth without a doubt. You could end up meeting anyone there, even Darth Vader, and all of them you wished you’d never met. You get to read all kinds of bullshit people write, and you get to look at pictures of cocks that people seem to like to draw. You could be killed. You’ll more than likely get your ass kicked.

The easy solution is to just avoid them at all fucking costs. Use a tree, use a bush, use whatever you can, but stay away from these houses of disease and infestation. On the plus side, I hear the good people at Apple are making a new shitty product to try and clean up the public restroom experience.

Yah you can have fun with that.. shit.

What about bums? They like to sleep there and take showers in the sinks! You could be mugged, mobbed or attacked by them. Look, if there are one group of people I do not trust in this world, it would be gypsies. If there is a second though, its bums. Bums will fucking kill your for your wallet so they can take your cash and go buy another pack of cigarettes, it’s a fucking fact.

Oh, and other terrible things happen in public bathrooms. Remember George Michael who is famous and rich as fuck, got busted by the 5-0 in a public restroom ass slamming another guy. So unless you want to watch that too, its safer to avoid them.

So, in conclusion, bitches, I advise you avoid public bathrooms at all costs. Imminent death awaits you there, I will take my chances pissing in public. I’d rather be arrested for pissing on a bank than be anally raped by George Michael, or have a bum steal my wallet. Or have the angry asshole attack me. Or the psycho. I’ve given you some tips on how to survive the Public Restroom Onslaught that awaits you on every street corner, but your safest bet is to just not have to go. One or 2, they’re not safe for you. Be careful going in public though, in the continual effort to suppress my freedoms, the man has put up signs all over warning people of me and my  behavioral traits. Assholes.