Superheroes!

Todays topic comes from a letter from a loyal fan. I shall share the letter with you now:

Dear cr1ck3e,

Write about Superheroes, you fucker!

Sincerely,

I Live in a Desolate Place

Dear Desolation-Dweller,

ok.

-the critic

It seems to me that the most popular fab in Hollywood these days is without a doubt Superheroes.. This is not a new trend, every few years they get “rebooted” even though the last reboot wasn’t all that great. Except for Aquaman, and you have South Park to thank for that one, because of the “Sea-Man” reference. Thank you South Park, you’ve saved us from another mindless superhero movie which, for the most part, usually kick ass. Lets face it, regardless of your age, race, or creed, you were raised on superheroes- whether they came from the comic books, cartoons, or movies.. superheroes are, always have been, and always will be the shit. Therefore, today, we will discuss the many faces of Hollywood Superheroes! But first..

You might be asking yourself, how will the pirate formally known as cr1ck3e an expert on the subject of superheroes? Next thing we know he’s going to tell us he is from another planet, faster than a speeding bullet, rich, and has neat gizmos to fight crime with.

You would be wrong.

I am not rich, nor powerful, or have cool gizmos. But I did know a guy once who.. well never mind. I am proficient at understanding superheroes though and have taken the time to dissect a choice couple, and through strenuous research and development, have found myself as a learned expert on the subject. My thanks to the nerds around the world who have written on Wikipedia to make me look smart, and to Hollywood- without you, no education could be complete.

Superman

Superman has had many faces. He is the man of steel and the bravest alien that looks like an American hero you’ve ever seen! Superman has one weakness: kryptonite. This is a rock which has been a few different colors throughout the story of Superman, but its most popular color is green. So here you have a guy you can shoot a bullet at and it’ll bounce off of him and he’ll call you a bitch, but you throw this green rock at him and he’s DEAD AS FUCK! Superman can fly, that’s fucking awesome. He goes into outer space, which makes you envious. Now lets get to the Hollywood interesting stuff. We’ve seen 3 major Superactors as Superman through out time. There was the guy in the 50’s on TV, the guy in the 80’s in the movies, and that new guy a couple years ago who no one knows who he is. Lets forget that last guy happened and look at the past and the future.

On TV in the 50’s the guy who played Superman was a fellow by the name of George Reeves. The show had a popular run, even though Georgie Boy wasn’t too fond of it, but a paycheck is a paycheck. In the end, we find out that George really wasn’t “Faster than a Speeding Bullet” – he committed suicide by a shot to the head.. or DID he? Watch the movie Hollywoodland, its pretty decent and makes you go hmmmm!

Then with the emergence of the 1980’s the Man of Steel went to the movies, and was played by a fellow named Christopher Reeve! Whaaaaat? Coincidence? Perhaps, but an odd one at that. Chris met his untimely demise too, which makes you think that this is a role that is perhaps the most cursed role of all time! As we all know, his Pony which apparently bleeds kryptonite, didn’t quite jump a fence, he fell off and went CRACK! Quadriplegic. For the rest of his days. He died sometime later, but was still young. Tragedy.

Then there's the guy no one knows about. Fuck him.

But there's rumors now that there will be yet ANOTHER Superman reboot in the Hollywood. Who will play The Man of Steel? God only knows, but I think its safe to say there really should be only one candidate for the job: Keanu Reeves. Look at the facts, his name already matches, and he knows Kung Fu. He has also flown like Superman before. The down side to this would be, Keanu would croak in some untimely fashion and, well, I really don’t want that, because he seems like a cool guy, for an idiot, and hey, some day there might be a Bill n Ted’s 3. WILD STALLIONS!

As a Superhero, one must learn to hide their true identity. Superman was really great at doing this. First, he didn’t wear the cape. Then he acted nerdy. But since everyone knew what Superman looked like, he’d have to do something like grow a porn star mustache or something.. but since that’s a lot of trouble to shave all the time, he simply hid.. behind glasses. Because, in case you didn’t know- glasses are the ultimate disguise. Trust me, if you’re wearing glasses, no one can recognize you- its impossible to do.

“Clark” was in love with Lois Lane. Lois Lane was in love with Superman. And Superman was in love with his tights. Scary I know, needless to say, this relationship was going no where. Poor .. um.. love triangle. The end result? Dewd never gets the girl. Which is probably a good thing, can you imagine what would happen to poor Lois if they DID actually have sex?

Ironman

Ironman is gonna be a short one, because he’s a badass and I don’t have much to rip on. Here's a fellow who is not only smart, but insanely rich, which is a common thread among superheroes. Bad shit happens to him and blah blah blah, he makes a fucking awesome suit to fight crime in. He looks kinda like a robot. He flies, has rockets and is a total badass. I mean seriously, if I am walking down the street and I see a robot with rockets pointed at me, I’m pissing myself, straight up. Who would want to fight that sort of thing? Only the ultra super villains which though I can be sometimes, I’d lose verses rockets.

Ironman’s real name is Tony Stark, a rich ass bastard. There’s one redeeming quality of this egomaniac: He’s so in love with himself and his awesomeness, he does not hide the fact that he is in fact Ironman. You’ve gotta respect a fellow like that. There are hints that Tony actually loves Pepper Potts, but she knows he loves himself too much to ever really love her, and even though he is filthy rich, she plays the tease and poor Tony is left playing with his joystick. You’ve got to appreciate her though, she doesn’t just marry him and bang him for his wealth… a real lady that one.

Batman

Batman has been played by more actors than I think any other superhero. He has been made a faggot, a badass, and weirdo, and a mumbling incomprehensible crime fighting machine who sounds like he has throat cancer. Lets start off with his early life. Back in the day, before you were born and I was only 700 years old, there was a TV show for Batman, and the actor who portrayed him was a fellow named Adam West. Adam West is now the Mayor of Quohog. In that show, the caped crusader was a fairy fuck who had a boy toy named Robin. They fought crime, yes, but what the didn’t fight was the fiery passion that was between them. They made it perfectly clear that they were the only ones for each other and no bitch with tits and a vagina was ever going to come between them. Not even for a threesome love triangle. Poor chicks everywhere, you never stood a chance.

How did Batman get such awesome shit? He is rich of course, and tired of watching the corruption of the land brought him to the important decision to fight crime for the good of man kind. This goes to show you that Batman is really an awesome guy, because if I were rich in a city that was corrupt, I’d probably just move to the Caribbean and live peacefully on a yacht for the rest of my days. But not Batman! Gotham City is lucky!

In the movies we’ve seen a wide variety of people playing this masked man of crime fighting power, starting with Michael Keaton. If you ask me, he was swell as Batman, but a really shitty Bruce Wayne, because lets face it, with a mask on, he looks cool, with the mask off, he looks just as goofy as he did in Beetlejuice, and there’s no coming back from that.

After that, we saw the role taken up by the great Val Kilmer, who though an amazing actor really didn’t look pissed off enough to be Batman. He was really pretty and had pouty lips like a 5 year old girl, but he did get to fool around with Nicole Kidman’s character, who was really hot. I can’t remember her name because she didn’t matter.

Moving on.

Val only did one movie, and for us comic fans who were excited for Batman to live on, we were also very devastated with the return of Batman’s gay lover- Robin. Robin first emerged with Val, but he wasn’t very important until “Batman and Robin” – which starred the rancid George Clooney as Batman. This guy was so bad, after I watched the movie I actually shot myself in the face. Turns out, I am faster than a speeding bullet, because I ducked out of fear that the bullet would scratch me. And I’m still here today. So take that. This movie was grotesque and horrible. On a scale of 1-10 for shittiness, it scored a 37.2. So the bottom line is: Fuck you Robin, and fuck you Clooney. We don’t need your antics. It did have Batgirl too, which was a gay subplot, but it was played by Alicia Silverstone. And she’s hot.

Moving on to a more modern day and out of the gay 1990’s, we’ve found that super asshole Christian Bale is now Batman, and that works perfect. Why? Because just like Clooney and Kilmer, he is a self important dickhead who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. If you ask me, he’s on the same path Val Kilmer went down, which leads to being broke, sad, and out of work. But he brought a new element to Batman which is pretty.. ok. When he is in the mask, he speaks so gutturally, you cannot even understand him. Which I find to be pleasant, because sometimes when you’re watching a movie late at night the explosions and music is so loud you have to turn down the volume so you don’t piss off your neighbors, but then they try and talk and you can’t hear them.. this plays to our advantage because then you’re like “SWEET! I CAN’T UNDERSTAND HIM ANYWAYS!” so you don’t need to pay attention at all. This is a major plus.

The brilliant thing about Batman is he, Bruce Wayne, is a rich fuck AND public figure.. but since he ALWAYS wears a mask as Batman, he does not need a clever disguise when he is Bruce Wayne.. Though just to keep up with appearances- and so the other Superheroes wouldn’t make fun of him.. he did wear glasses once. No one knew it was really him. Swear.

The bad news is, no matter how rich or awesome he is, Batman never gets the girl. Poor schmuck.

The Flash

He’s just damn cool. He’s a science experiment gone wrong and he runs really fast. I wish I had this skill, I’d dine and dash all the time. I’d take 1.3 seconds at Walmart to get corndogs. The down side: Women are never pleased with someone they call “The Flash.”

Ouch.

There are no movies about The Flash, even though he’s the coolest superhero of all time. Maybe someday Hollywood will pull its head out of its asses.. but probably not.  There was a TV show once upon a time. It was awesome back then.. I can’t remember who was in it. Some guy. He played The Flash. It was awesome. Nuff said.

Spiderman

The Spidey movies sucked if you ask me, which I know you’re not. But since they were popular and shit I’ll say something. Tobey Maguire acted like a pansy, Spiderman was cool, but whatever. Kirsten Dunst looked pretty ok. There, I said it. Want more? I also don’t like Pink Floyd or the Eagles. Now you’re in shock, I know. Deal with it.

So Spiderman is really a poor kid who has an affinity for heights and arachnids. This breaks free of the norm. Peter Parker makes all his money by taking pictures of Spidey. Coincidence? Nah, its called using the grape, bitches!

So Peter loves Mary Jane, who kinda loves Peter, but hates Spidey. Spidey loves attention, and most of all: Himself. Mary Jane can’t be with Peter while he’s still sporting tights, because he has nicer legs than she does. Unfulfilled love. Imagine him in the sack though, that’d be one sticky mess. Ewww. I know, I went there. Spiderman/Peter Parker also felt the need to be like every other superhero, and he too could sport glasses. This kept his identity secret!

For as we all have learned, your secret identity is to be your secret and yours alone. Except almost every superhero has at least ONE confidante. But whatever. Spiderman’s a wimp. I think a 3 day old kitten could take him in an arm wrestling match.

 

There is one final superhero I’d like to cover before we wrap this crap up. And that is the most real and true and AWESOME superhero of all time.

Chuck Norris

We all know why he is the worlds greatest crime fighter. We all know that he was born in a log cabin that he build with his bare hands. We also know that he has a vacation home on the sun, can kick start a car, and also that behind his beard is another fist. So what more is there to say?

Here’s a guy who built his career off of being a badass, and it was an easy thing for him to do because he IS in fact a badass. He’s like a 27x World Champion Karate master, the only Westerner to hold a 9th Degree Black Belt in Tai Kwon Do and he’s also Walker Texas Ranger.

He’s also older than your grandpappy, bitch! That’s right, Chuck is in his 70’s but only looks like he’s 32. How does he do that? He pisses out the fountain of youth, that’s how!

And if that’s not enough to make you jealous, check out his wife.

Why is she smiling? Because she’s hot and she is married to Chuck Fucking Norris. Which means she has sex with him, which is the highest honor among women in the world. If you’re a woman and you say, “What? No one told me that..” Then maybe you need to read your hand book a little more closely! DO IT NOW!

 

Superheroes are awesome, talented, valiant and they look good in glasses. All this is true. But superheroes are also flawed to the core, which is why we like them so much. We can relate, because they are awesome fuck ups. Every superhero is amazing at saving the day, but no matter what any of them do.. none of them can save their own personal life outside of the mask. We love them because they’re just like us. They suck at life just as bad as we do.

Can you see the correlations all coming together here? That’s right boys and girls, I, cr1ck3e, should be a superhero. My skill would be bleeding kryptonite. So I could just go around cutting my arteries and spraying my blood everywhere. This is easily done, because I already bleed kryptonite. Its kinda creepy, but I dig it. I think “The Critic” is a perfect name for me too, because lets face it, I’m not going to help everyone. I have standards.

But to recap, lets talk about why I should be a Superhero.

• I love myself more than I can love you. Check!
• I never get the girl for long term. Check!
• I look good in tights. Check!
• I’m self important. Check!
• I’m rich. Check!
• I can fly. Check!
• I’m build like a brick shit house. Check!

 

Good to go. And once I’m a superhero, maybe I’ll recruit! I could use a good sidekick. But if you’re Robin, don’t bother, I’ve my eyes set on a much BETTER crime fighting partner to fuck around town with.

 

Hell yes!