Fly the Flag

As we embrace the new year which is now upon us in full swing I have for you something new to embrace.  But we have time before we need to get to that. I have a few announcements. After nearly 2 weeks, I have finally lost my hang over from New Years Eve!! I’m quite excited about this, and you should be too. Why? Because I said so. In other news, I’ve joined the ranks of NO ONE ELSE in my defying of Apple products and now have myself a REAL alternative. The Zune. It IS real! Not like that fuck rag Santa who didn’t bring me SHIT on Christmas. Fuck him. Asshole.

Furthermore, I’d like to say thank you to all of you who wished me a happy anniversary on the writing of this here dandy blog site. That includes.. No one. Not a single one of you said happy anniversary. I have cried myself to sleep for the past 4 days. Thanks a lot. And for that, it is time I insult each and every one of you until I feel I am dually satisfied and that justice has been served. Be warned bitches.

Think back ages ago when you were a young lad or lass and found yourself in the high stress situation of … high school. That place sucked for most people, though some people ruled the world and then found out just how shitty life was outside of high school.. and those same people have since committed suicide. Congratulations on making it to the other side. There was a word used to describe some people in school. This was a title that if you had it, you knew you were not going to be going to prom, or ever get laid. This word was the bane of all high school existence and hell, it probably still is. That word, I’m sure you’ve heard it before, is:

Now its time for the bad news: You are a nerd. You probably were back then, and even if you were a football playing, cheer leading, partying english ditching failure… you’re still a nerd. Lets talk about how I know.

I can spot a nerd a mile away. Its like they are all flying a big bright flag that screams: HEY LOOK AT ME!!! *snort* I have also watched Revenge of the Nerds, so I have had visual aids. I’ve also met you. Each and every one of you. Well not all of you. One or two. The rest I spy on while you’re in the bathroom plan on meeting someday. Enough of this inquisition NERD! Lets get down to business.

What makes a person a nerd? Is it their love for certain things? Movies, TV shows, genres, books, school subjects? Their profession, occupation, life style, favorite sex position, food, cheerios, and monkeys?

I vote yes, you nerds, I vote yes! And so let us explore that which makes you fly your Nerd Flag with pride!

We’ll start with some easy and obvious things.

Star Wars

Star Wars. Its nerdy, but if you don’t like it, you’re probably a false idol following cow worshiping heathen devil pagan. Also since the dislike for Star Wars is in fact un-American you can be tried for treason, water boarded and beaten with sticks for disliking it. The simple fact is, Star Wars is not only a staple of society, its manufactured glory on dvd, and now bluray! Never mind the fact that George Lucas is a pompous asshole who thinks he’s greater than God. Also, the simple fact is- if you talked about your love for Star Wars during your tenure in High School, you were treated as a nerd, an outcast, a social reject, and of course, a virgin. But lets face it, Star Wars is fucking awesome, its cool, and there’s not a goddamned thing wrong with it either. Everyone likes Star Wars and that includes you, you damn NERD! But what’s not to like? There’s the story of a puny kid who is trying to save the world from an evil dictator, but then, OH NO! he finds out that the evil dictator is.. HIS DAD! This is a major shock to the first time viewer. But not only is he his dad and an evil bastard, but he’s also the baddest motherfucker around! Now, here is where you find the lameness. If I were hanging there, arm chopped off and bloody from a royal ass kicking from my pops and he says “Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son!” Know what I’m saying? FUCK YEAH!!! I mean, seriously, I’d probably ask him if this is gonna get me a lot of play too, which if you can use *the force* you can really get whatever you want right? That’s the sadistic part of the story.. being able to do what you like because you can use “the force” .. Imagine that in practical every day life application:

cr1ck3e: So, would you care to get naked and freaky?

Hot Girl: In your DREAMS! Asshole!!!

***cr1ck3e waves a hand*** You want to ride me tonight.

HG: I want to ride you tonight..

cr1ck3e: We should go get started then.

HG: Lets go get started!

Next day, she’s having brunch with her bff, “Omg this creep forced me to have sex with him!” “What?! YOU WERE RAPED!?” “No, no, not really.. I mean he used THE Force.” “Ahh hell, I hate it when jedi’s get drunk.”

And this is why Jedi Powers aren’t real. But we all wish they were, right nerds? So there is the awesome force, there is the awesome Darth Vader, and the pussy Luke Skywalker who, through no abilities of his own, manages to kill his pops and save the day. But never forget the real nerdy part of all of this, remember is STAR wars, which means its in fucking outer space bitches. HELL YEAH! So that means, you got it, fucking rad ass space ships.

The heroes of this story ride around in the oddest looking ship there is, the Millennium Falcon. For anyone who has ever owned an awesome vehicle like the Falcon, you know it takes hard work, effort, and a bit of luck to have something so radical. This is why guys can associate with Han Solo so well. You bitch, moan, and fuck with your ride all the fucking time, but when it works, it fucking WORKS. Basically, going back to the coolest people on the planet blog, from way back when.. owning the Falcon is like owning a Jeep. She’s a space jeep, only she’s fast. So she’s like a Jeep with a v8. Makes perfect sense right? Sure it does.

So to sum it all up: If you like star wars, you’re a nerd. If you don’t like it, you’re a traitor. Star Wars is awesome, badass, enjoyable and cool as fuck, so though you may be a nerd for liking it, you’re totally justified by its awesomeness. If you’ve never waited outside of a movie theatre for at LEAST a couple hours to see a  SW movie then you’re one of the lamest people around. Or too young. Fact is, everyone likes Star Wars, and therefore, everyone in this light, is a nerd. Now you don’t have to feel so alone.

Star Trek

Star Trek takes that cool space ship shit to an entirely different level. First off, lets toss a couple facts out there for you. If you like ST you’re definitely a nerd. You’re so nerd you’ll never be touched by the opposite sex. Ever. In the history of the world. Times 4. Plus infinity. pi. FACT: Star Trek fans usually marry within their own circle. ie. Star Trek fans marry other star trek fans because normal people can’t handle this star trek mania. If you’re a real fan, you’re called a “trekkie” which translated into English literally means: Super Geek Nerd. That’s hard core.  That’s also you.

But ST, like it or not, is a staple of American society and has been since long before you were born. Which if you think about it, its pretty fucking impressive. Few franchises last over 40+ years, but this one has managed to. Lets make a list! Why should we? Because they may my blogs look WAAAAAYYY longer than they really are, because I double space!

Star Trek on TV:

1. Star Trek 1966-1969
2. Star Trek the Animated Series 1973-1974
3. Star Trek: the Next Generation 1987-1994
4. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 1993-1999
5. Star Trek: Voyager 1995-2001
6. Star Trek: Enterprise 2001-2005

Star Trek on the Silver Screen:

1. Star Trek: The Motion Picture 1979
2. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan 1982
3. Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock 1984
4. Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home 1986
5. Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier 1989
6. Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country 1991
7. Star Trek Generations 1994
8. Star Trek: First Contact 1996
9. Star Trek: Insurrection 1999
10. Star Trek: Nemesis 2002
11. Star Trek 2009

Holy fuckballs bat bitch, that’s a lotta shit! Yes, its nerdy, but its one hell of a money making cash cow, don’t you think? I mean, look at all that jack that was made for all those years. Fact: Making that kind of money on any subject matter, nerdy or not, should automatically cancel out just how nerdy it really is. And in this case it does. Now  lets divulge into what else is cool about Star Trek, you nerd! I know you’re saying: Um like EVERYTHING! Right. I get it.

Once again we have bad ass space ships, only for the most part they aren’t industrial rough looking pieces of shit that you have to hit with hammers to get to go to Warp 9. They’re pretty, they’re stream lined aerodynamic fanciful works of art. EVEN THOUGH there is no air in space and they don’t have to be aerodynamic at all, the obvious answer is: Mind your own fucking business, I’ll make my space ships look how I want. But these ships are fucking cool, and fucking FAST! So, to put that into non nerd lingo, they are not v8 space jeeps, but more like v12 space lambo’s.

Star Trek’s down side was its creator, the visionary Gene Roddenberry, was a green peace loving hippie. So 99% of the time, the conflicts that came up where not settled in an old fashioned gun slinger badass way. The conflict would heat up and get TENSE! And then.. they’d talk it out. EVEN THOUGH this fast badass streamlined prettifull ships were loaded with weapons, they never used them. How sad. Well never say never, sometimes they used guns and shit, but it was rare. This is why green peace loving hippies suck. Every now and again we got to see the use of guns and bombs and shit, but it wasn’t regular enough to satisfy the appetite of destruction loving warmongers like myself.

Alright nerds, you’re all giddy and hard, now lets talk your justice. If you were born sometime between 1900 and PRESENT, you’ve seen Star Trek. Chances are good you liked SOMETHING about it. And chances are even good that you probably watched it and thought, this is so fucking cool it’s a shame its not fucking real. And then you got mad because its not, and may never, or at least will not be in your pathetic life. You wish you had thought it up, you wish you were a part of it, and you wished it wasn’t exile nerdy so you could talk about it with your friends who also feel the same way. You all wish you could be apart of Star Trek.

So final analysis is this: Star Trek, though nerdy, is a brilliant idea, entertaining story, and one hell of a money making machine. Bow down nerds. Everyone likes star trek, but not everyone will admit it.

Video Games

Everyone knows video games are not nerdy. Here’s the proof.

Justice is served.

Fact: If you don’t own a Wii, Playstation, or Xbox – then you’re probably dead. Everyone owns one. Super nerds own all of them. I once knew a super nerd who prided himself on owning every gaming system ever made. And apparently, he played them all. All the time. Yes, he never got laid.

Here’s another fact: I’m using a Microsoft program to write my blog. Neither Xbox or Wii set off my spell checker, but Playstation does. That goes to show you how much MS hates Sony. Moving on.

Dragons, Magic, Swords and Shit

Summarized in one word: Fantasy. What makes this nerdy? Well its fantasy, duh. And Fantasy is nerdy. Why spend your time watching shows, movies, or reading books about something that takes you away from the awesomeness that is the real world in which we live in, duh? Or, nerd, why would you ever spend any spare time doing anything other than watching Baseball? Faggots.

Anyways, there’s some justification here. Everyone wishes they had magic- and they do so on a regular basis. Example: “I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with all this work..”

Furthermore, everyone has either read or watched the Lord of the Rings, which is nothing but magic swords dragons and shit. And you all liked it. Admittedly, I could not read the books. Its one of the few books that I started and went, “oh fuck this” and just tossed it aside and watched the movie instead. That said, there’s something totally awesome about swords and using them as a weapon, which no one hardly does. Why would you use one when you could use a gun? Because they’re personal, they’re messy, and they’re terrifying. If you point a gun at someone, they might be scared, but you’re just a thug. You come after them with a fucking sword, they know that you mean fucking business because you’re one crazy lunatical maniac. In my experience when killing people, I find that the kill is always more enjoyable when they’re terrified as fuck before they die. I mean… Swords are awesome, and if you don’t like them its because you’re a tree hugging liberal who wants to take away all weapons from all people. But remember, anything can be a weapon, and you can’t take away everything, you pinko commie fuck!

And seriously? Dragons? You don’t like them? Why not? They’re lizards that fly and shoot fire. Fuck not believing in them! I not only believe in, but have one as a pet. I named him Giggles. Giggles the Dragon. We seriously fly around all the fucking time frying shit. Not like that gay luck dragon from The Never Ending Story. No no, we do real damage to the country side. And he can cook a mean fucking pit bbq. No shit.

So the final word on this, every one who ever said you’re a nerd for liking fantasy, is really calling themselves a nerd too, though again like star trek will never admit to it. But we all believe in magic, and dragons. You may not believe in swords, but that’s understandable, I guess. They are a bit of a stretch. Me killing people with one? You can totally see it.

Harry Potter

Since we barely scratched the surface of the magic, I thought I’d be more specific. Yes I did this on purpose. I have a plan you see! Its called make this shit up as I go along and see what happens! dramatic composition of fact to vocal climax for maximum visual and mental stimulation. So here we go on the Pottage. Is HP nerdy? Absolutely, especially if you read one or all of the books, or twice. Or have watched the movies, religiously, or stood in the cold outside the theater along with a few thousand of your closest friends to see it on opening night. If you answered yes to one or all of these, the only real thing to say is: Holy fuck you’re a nerd!!! But once again, we have a conundrum. This Harry Potter franchise has made more money than you can count on both fingers and toes COMBINED! And once again we look at that and go GODDAMN! Lets make another list, that’ll really make this blog look like my longest one yet!

Just kidding. There are seven book, and 8 movies, because they had to split the last book up into two movies to get more money tell the whole story. The amazing thing about the world of Potter is its been such a success that they have even created a THEME PARK in Orlando, FL for this mania. This is such a hugely successful story that it took one broke chick and turned her into the wealthiest woman in Britain. Not only is she wealthy, but hell, she’s also pretty attractive. Even if you’re a chick you know you look at this JK Rowling and say, “You know, I’d prolly hit it.”

Its also made Daniel Radcliffe, the actor portraying Harry, insanely rich and also popular amongst the nerds girls all over the world! What does gobs and gobs of money do for you when you’re a fat ankled British kid with nothing really going for you? Have you ever heard of a Three-some? Experience one? (stop lying) Well, this kid has like 12-somes. Regularly. Suck on that, jocks.

This story took magic to an extreme. It combined the world of non magic people (called muggles) and magic people (called you wish you were like us and not a muggle) and COMBINED THE TWO! This is a new kind of fantasy set in modern times that does not have harsh backlashes of teenage angst. Its all about killing the bad guys that’re out there, and Harry does a Smashing good job of it, chaps!

There’s something else truly amazing about all of this. We all saw the first Harry Potter movie, and we were like “Fuck that little bushy haired girl is annoying as fuck! What’s her name again?” Hermione. Yah, well that chick actually grew up! I KNOW! And she turned out to be pretty attractive, and the really good news is, now that she is legal, you can look at her and say “God Damn! Hell ya I’d hit it!” Without sounding like a pedophile! Seriously, I find it somewhat disturbing to hear a 30 year old guy say “I’d hit it!” in reference to a 15 year old. 18, ok. I’d say that too.. but 15? C’mon man…

So the final hype on all this is: Harry Potter, a children’s book series that children and adults alike can both read. Nerdy magic turned modern awesome. Dragons are real, Emma Watson is hot (and legal!) and JK Rowling could turn a straight girl lesbian. (which is impressive because there’s really no good looking Brit’s you know) Nerdy? No way, dorks! This shits cool as it gets. Oh, and Harry doesn’t sparkle in the sunlight.

Science

Science is like the blood stuffs of the earth. Its so freaking awesome and complicated that it does in fact take a serious nerd to understand it! That is, unless you’re a good teacher. Enter this one time hero of 8th graders around the globe: Bill Nye the Science Guy. This guy took all that shit that you didn’t understand, made it make sense. How the fuck did he do that? No one really remembers.. But what we do remember is that we got that D up to a B and coincidentally were not grounded thanks to Bill Nye the Super Hero of Science! .. guy.

But lets face it, Bill Nye was nerdy. He was also a fucking HACK! Everything he did was stolen straight from the pages of history that was laid down by Mr. Wizard way back in the day! I remember Mr. Wizard, I used to watch that shit on Nicolodean back in the day. What I did not realize at the time is that it was all reruns, but that goes to show you how awesome Mr. Wizard really was. Sure Bill Nye got you through 8 grade science, but Mr. Wizard froze shit with liquid nitrogen and then smashed the fuck out of it. Owned. Some of you might be wondering what happened to Bill Nye eventually. Well the sad truth is, the ghost of the long dead Mr. Wizard came back and killed Bill for trying to steal his legacy. This is why you failed biology.

Hey, check it out! Its Halle Berry!

You’re welcome for adding this.

It was just a distraction..

Because Science sucks…

But we have to talk about it…

Before I can end my blog…

Necessity.

She kinda looks confused in this picture. “Why am I here?” I don’t know, Halle, I don’t know.

What the fuck is up with every science teacher I ever had insisting on wearing a pocket protector? If there is one way to detract people from being interested in the subject you teach, its to name it science. But you’re not doing yourself any favors with that goddamned pocket protector, chief.. and you expect me to stay away for a full hour? Dream on bitch. I’ll just copy Jimmy’s homework and pass the class and get this bitch outta the way, since Bill Nye is dead and all.

So, to conclude this section out, science is nerdy, totally, definitely and undeniably so. If you like it, you’re not only a nerd, but a hero. Why? Because science is responsible for all kinds of important shit. Like birth control. Condoms. The morning after pill, or as I call it: “OOPSPILL!”

So hail these nerds, you sluts! WE NEED THEM!

So now as we conclude this, the first blog of mine for 2011, lets recap what we’ve learned. 

• Star Wars is in fact, not nerdy
• Star Trek is, but is also cool at the same time
• Science sucks
• Mr. Wizard’s ghost killed Bill Nye
• Emma Watson is hot AND legal
• I have a dragon named Giggles
• Space ships rule
• Killing people with swords is awesome
• Using THE force to get laid isn’t rape. Kinda.

The simple and final fact is, you nerds.. is that everyone is a nerd. You may have been called it, and you may be a bigger nerd than some, but to a certain extent- everyone you meet is a nerd. They either play video games, watch movies, like star trek, star wars, harry potter, Emma Watson, magic, swords, light sabers, the force, boobs, brits, books, snakes, science, pocket protectors, or dragons.

And they might just like Football too.

Beam me up, Scotty.